. i keep telling myself im fine, that what i do doesn’t actually matter. and yet here i am, falling apart all over again. i shouldnt even count it as a relapse. but i know it is. i did it to feel … worse? better? both? it feels like everything is going wrong all at once. the only thing keeping me from letting go completely is knowing that my dogs and friends need me. i want nothing more than to do what i used to and go lay in the snow. but i cant. so instead im trying to convince myself that everything is fine so i can pretend to sleep or pass out whichever i get tonight and then drag my ass to work tomorrow and pretend everything’s fine again. im so scared. and so awake. and so tired. and so numb.
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Hey welcome.
You’re not alone.
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Hey, thanks for posting. Obviously things aren’t fine, but that’s OK. Inside the conflict you feel is likely a result of two sides of yourself. On the one side there are whatever compulsive habits are causing you suffering and hurting your life situation. On the other is your true self struggling for something more stable and genuine. This is normal. All of it. If you nurture the part of you that is true, I call it a calling voice you can make space between it and all those pushing voices we deal with in addiction. With that you gain insight and can cultivate strength and stability while weakening the pushing voices. In time your life situation will improve and you’ll gain affirmation in the true path towards peace. During this process I’d advise you to only notice your thoughts, don’t judge yourself and don’t act. You are special and strong, just trust me on that for if you weren’t I don’t think you’d be here. The road is long and thorny, but beautiful and glorious.
You deserve better than i bet you think right now and thats ok too. Take care
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Welcome.
Advice for new comers and constant relapsers
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Hi Alaska👋 Welcome to the most warm, helpful and safe place here at TS!
Your fear has propelled you to be here, so you have already achieved something wonderful today!
This can be the beginning of something truly special, if you just follow a few simple suggestions people are willing to share with you.
I am on Day 22 and feeling really good about where l am today.
Wind back the clock to Dec.27, l didn’t really
want to stop drinking. I had hit my rock bottom more than 12 months before that, so that wasn’t a motivator.
My family had all but given up on me getting sober, so there was no pressure there.
TBH, it was probably more that l just didn’t care about anything anymore, and THAT frightened me!
I didn’t care that l didn’t look my best. I didn’t care that my kids didn’t want to spend time with me anymore. I didn’t care that l didn’t have a licence, and that l couldn’t drive to work or pick my kids up from school. I didn’t care that my husband was asking me for a financial split and wanted me to move out. I didn’t care about my house, my garden, my stuff. I was lucky l could even care enough to get out of bed and make it to my place of work each day.
It was a miserable existence, and l don’t know how much longer l could have kept going like that, without something really bad happening to me.
As they say in AA, there’s nothing left for us if we keep drinking except jail, institutions or death.
There’s one thing worse than self loathing l think. It’s totally apathy of one’s self and situation.
But then l was given another chance at life with TS!
And it’s like I have woken from a very long deep sleep, and the world is exciting again!
And l’m part of it!!
There’s so much activity, and compassion,and companionship here! You just have to be willing to give it a good go.
For now, just read through the topics that interest you. It doesn’t have to be all educational and serious stuff either!
There are cooking threads,fitness, music and movie threads, gardening and plant threads, pet threads,etc.
Just get a feel for the place and the people. I am 53 and have never used an app like this for self help. I am amazed at how quickly l have bonded with these people, and they with me.
You can do it too! 
People are waiting for you with open arms and a loving heart.
All the very best on your journey 
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This is beautiful Andy. And it’s exactly how I feel about TS. It feels like a loving family of good friends.
I’m glad you’re here and TS has help you.
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This app has saved people in AA that I recommended it too. That speaks volumes!
Please stay here. Take what you need and leave the rest.
Good luck!
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Hi 
and welcome, im glad your here with us.
Your not alone on this journey 
were all here with you and for support 
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Aaw thanks Eric! But it’s all true though!
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You’re not fine, but you will be some day!
I’m glad you are here!
I wasn’t fine when I found this place more then 3 years ago. But what a relieve it was to talk with people who understand what I was dealing with.
This place has helped me to become and stay sober and be me again, the “old” me 
I wish you the same, so stick around!
Be here much and vent, read, learn and ask for help if you need it.
It’s all here for you! 
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TS has been the most helpful thing for me. Knowing that other people are in my same boat and always here to help is such a nice feeling. I have learned a lot here
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