I’ve struggled with addiction since I was 11 or 12, my older cousin had recently gotten out of jail and he got me into that scene, mostly unknowingly, by carelessly leaving things around the house at first, and then using in front of me and eventually offering me some.
I started smoking weed and drinking at 14 in addition to pills and cigarettes. I got arrested for stealing alcohol from a store with my ex, and had to do alcohol counseling but the counselor was really mean to me, I was homeless at the time and had a hard time meeting with her twice a week as ordered, so they took my case to court, but it was dismissed.
Then, when I was 16 a second ex got black out drunk, passed out and almost died naked laying in broken glass on a beach on our first date, and I drove drunk to a McDonald’s to call an ambulance for him. He was in a coma in the hospital 4 days and I was arrested for DUI again and charged, lost my license for 6 months but I still drove to school and work.
Almost dropped out of high school, thankful for one teacher who tried so hard to get me to graduate, she talked to my other teachers for me and got everything figured out for me, brought me clothes and gave me money for food (I was homeless and briefly unemployed). I sold drugs for a friend’s dad for a while, he paid me with some, my ex and I broke into homes that were vacant, squatted in abandoned ones. Eventually we both got sober, got an apartment together, he started abusing me and threatened to kill me so I kicked him out and got heavy into it again.
At 18 almost 19 I met my most recent ex who witnessed my seizures from drug use and who called an ambulance when I OD’d in my apartment. One thing I remember the second time I OD’d alone in my apartment was oh shit my cat can’t call me an ambulance I’m going to die here (I was seizing on the ground and couldn’t move). I managed to yell for help and my neighbor had to call police. She and her kids looked into the window and saw me and I feel so bad for those kids. They were pretty young I think.
I did okay for a few months, even quit cigarettes for a while, only smoked weed and drank when I went out which was rare. Then I found out I was pregnant so I quit everything and focused on that for the time, and was sober for almost 4 years, I even flushed the remainder of the hydros I got for my c-section to have my son. Breastfed for a year and was completely sober, didn’t even drink, didn’t smoke weed, wouldn’t even take aspirin for a headache. Barely ever drank as my son got older because it was usually only me with him, and his dad was pretty useless with caring for our son, so I never felt like I could let myself relax.
Started working nightshift and dad took on more responsibility. I started smoking weed with some coworkers after we closed the store. Then I’d stop at a gas station and drink on my drive home so I could be drunk before I got home, because I wanted to sleep, but I also had insomnia and don’t like melatonin. Dumb excuse, I know.
Got a new job thats high energy, on my feet for 10 hours a day. I like the job but I couldn’t really keep up. I started raiding my ex’s bedside table drawer that had a ton of left over medicine for adderall. The adderall helped me focus on college classes, gave me energy at work, but made me… meaner. I’d yell at my ex, be cranky toward my son when he wanted something, everything was annoying and too loud and I always had a headache. I was a shitty mom, a shitty partner, i started getting careless at work and was frantic and couldnt finish any tasks. I was unfocused and floating through life.
Some traumatic shit happened recently, including a breakup, so I started smoking cigarettes and drinking more. I’d pop 2 adderall in the morning, drive my son to daycare, smoke a cigarette on the way to work, pop another adderall at 10 and 2 with frequent cigarette breaks, get home and start drinking while cooking dinner, smoke weed after I get my son down for bed.
This past week I got covid. My work made me take the week off and I was just home with my son. I dont smoke anything around him or while he’s in the house (I smoke weed on my deck after he’s asleep). My adderall supply was dwindling and I try not to use such high doses if any on weekends when I’m home, so I decided last saturday when I tested positive for covid that I was quitting everything, maybe not cold turkey, but I would quit. Because I became dependent. I felt like a shell of a person. I was trying so hard to escape life. I counted down the hours and minutes until I could get my next whatever I was going to have. Not anymore.
I quit adderall cold turkey. I have a few times before. The withdrawals suck, i knew it. I knew a weekend detox wouldn’t be enough and come Monday I’d be dragging ass at work, if not just throwing up and barely conscious, but I had a full week off my work would pay me to stay home for.
Sunday I slept 14 hours and couldn’t regulate my body temperature, at all. Miserable. It eased up throughout the week. I didn’t smoke any cigarettes this whole time. I was kind of worried about covid and how it’d effect me so I felt like I should give myself a fighting chance.
I stopped smoking weed for 4 of those days but had a really bad time sleeping so I still smoke a bit just to sleep.
I cut back to one alcoholic drink per night as a limit, some nights I skip it even.
I hadnt smoked cigarettes that whole week, but I smoked the last 2 in the pack in my car this morning and didn’t buy more the whole day, and I hope I’ll be strong enough to resist tomorrow.
Its been 10 days, and the brain fog from the adderall is starting to go away. My house is cleaner, my mind is calmer, my relationship with my son is healthier and happier, I’m pacing myself at work and paying attention to detail better, I’m not completely clean but I think things are getting better slowly but gradually. I’m feeling better and much less anxious and paranoid all the time. I feel like I’m doing better.
I’ve been feeling out of control, I’ve tried quitting a half dozen times over the past year or so and unable to so I hope having a place like this will help me. I can’t afford rehab and the cheaper ones are booked in my area. I also don’t want to tell on myself for my current struggles, I need to keep my job and my son in my life, I need the stability and I know now I need to create it myself because the life I was starting to live was not good.
Sorry this is so long, I appreciate if you read it all. I’ll be on tomorrow, and I’ll try not to buy cigarettes.
That’s quite a journey! I think a lot of people here will understand what you’ve been through.
