Astounded by the fact that I have managed to get here. Six days abstinent from a variety of substances. It’s been a long old journey and trudge to get here. Not to brag, but in the past couple of months I have given up dependencies to crack cocaine, heroin, methadone, barbiturates, benzos, nicotine, cannabis, and finally pregabalin.
I only wanted to stop smoking crack! Which was completely destroying me and my life and everyone around me. However, going along to some Cocaine Anonymous meetings, following what is suggested, getting a sponsor and working the first three steps, and getting connected with God, has led me here. The withdrawals weren’t even that bad.
Already my life is much different to how it was only a few months ago, where I could barely leave the house due to the utter shame I felt over my behaviour. Like yesterday I baked some bread, made a risotto and then got myself to a meeting with a new friend. Today I will meet with my sponsor and go over steps 1-3, before I am due to make a start on Step 4.
All the shame I feel over my past behaviour is at the forefront of my mind right now as I begin to embark on this step. It’s this shame that will lead me back to using or acting out in other ways, and I want to do things different these days and be a better man.
This morning I have chanted, as I do most mornings, and now just enjoying a wee cuppa tea from bed.
Whew! That sounds like you have been through a lot! Hope to see more of your posts and journey. Read around and post where you are comfortable. You will find so many like minded people here working hard to be better humans.
Welcome Gordyboy!
Congrats on 6 days ! Glad you found your way here. This is a group of very supportive and helpful people that have helped me tons in reaching my 24 days now. But like everything else on this sober journey it only works/ helps if you use it. So I suggest scrolling and reading and jumping in and participating wherever & whenever you feel comfortable. I look forward to seeing you around here
Hello
Welcome to the family. I’m glad you found us, the more the merrier. Congratulations on your sober time! I have to say you made a really strong start there. I hope to see you around here and posting about your journey or life in general. You’ll find a post for every topic imaginable on here. Just jump in and take part.
Still getting thoughts of using (well it has only been a week). Just even at the meeting last night as someone was sharing about crack I suddenly had a small desire for a lovely little crack pipe.
Another day though.
Still not sleeping properly, had about five hours of broken sleep last night. Thoughts of my step 4 plaguing my mind, but have made a start on that and wrote out most of my resentments. It is mostly how I have treated others that is troubling me. Suppose that shows I have a conscience though!
Today I am planning to go feed some ducks with my friend and her kids, following my usual chanting/praying this morning, bit more work on step 4, and need to do some food shopping too.
Wow, I do feel the nervousness in your writing, the same I feel from time to time… the fear of relapsing. When I look deep, deep within my using, it was mainly shame. It is so subtle but so strong wound into our sense of self… for million of reasons…
I started doing what I called Contract with self, where I promised to identify shame, monitoring it and disowning it and rejecting, it took a year and a lot of hard work. Shame has to be non negotiable. You do not engage with it and that is non negotiable. This was my contract with myself.
There is a beautiful book by Brene Brown about vulnerability and she talks about shame resilience. Do read it. Do not worry too much about doing a lot of things right now… that will lead you into falling into the the trap of self image. Just find million ways to love yourself and do not look for million reasons to do that, just do it. We need no reason to be loved.
Thank you. Now on day 23 I believe. Just done my steps 5, 6 and 7 at weekend. Ever since going through my step 5 the shame I was feeling has massively lifted. I feel I am now walking tall. No longer fearful of relapse either.
I just do a few simple things each day and seems to work.
Great to see this kind of positivity towards the sober life! Something tells me though you are far from out of the woods. The addition is very sneaky and can disguise itself and lay in wait. For me the suffering in the early days was a reminder that I don’t want to go back there and you haven’t met that challenge yet i dont think.
Be vigilant, be prepared and keep up the good work
I’m going through the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, with the way it is set out in there and with the guidance of a sponsor from Cocaine Anonymous. Back when Bill W and others first started AA, they took people through all 12 steps in a day, so I’m going a wee bit slower than how it was originally done!
Was able to go through my 6 and 7 following my 5 as I got all my defects of character from 4. So Step 7 is now a daily thing in asking for help from God with my defects, as I am as powerless over them as I am over my addiction! Step 4 showed me as much.
Really is a beautiful programme, and hope you have the same experience I am having if you are going through a similar process.