Hello everybody,
This is my first post. I am going to do my best to keep things concise, but I honestly have a lot to get off of my chest. Brevity has never been my strong suit, so I apologize in advance for the tangential nature of my writing and for what might be labeled by some as “ranting.” If that disclaimer is concerning, please read no further. I am looking for advice, or maybe even emotional support, but the fact that my life is an utter wreck is not lost on me. Nor is the difficulty presented by my self-defeat and emotional state. I appreciate any feedback you can offer, and hope I can get to a point where I feel confident enough in my life (and in my sobriety) to be of service to those who are where I’m currently at in my own recovery journey.
It isn’t that I don’t have anybody in my life who would allow me the safe space to vent, but I fear that I inevitably push away those who try to get close enough to be supportive in my recovery journey. On the one hand, I know that I have the tools to stay sober; I’ve been through inpatient treatment twice, and am currently in outpatient treatment with a great counselor (and admittedly great group members who are making their own strides). I also know that I truly want to get clean and stay clean. I’m 35 - when I was younger, I never considered that my days of partying would ever feel like they were over, but I also hadn’t quite ascended in my dependence on substances to a level which was considered to be addiction. I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life, but I wasn’t so old that it was as much a source of shame or depression as it is today. There came a point where I no longer had control over the impulse of using, and that point came when I was too messed up to be aware of it; I failed to make any meaningful improvements or progress in my life during my descent to my rock bottom.
My therapist said something I try to always remember in times of difficulty: anything you put before your recovery will be lost. To know that and to live by it are two different things. I want to believe I have a chance to be successful, and that begins with sobriety. I know there are programs and resources that can help with a lot of the things I’m struggling with. In my opinion (and this isn’t meant to sound ungrateful or cynical) there just aren’t enough resources.
This seems like a logical point to mention two relevant details, because they provide context:
First - I have struggled with bulimia nervosa and purging anorexia for 18 years. I was diagnosed after my first suicide attempt at 17 years old. For a while I was getting better, and some of my family and friends were aware of my illness, but my body dysmorphia is so severe that I stopped trying to get well.
Second - I’m a violinist. I play many instruments, actually, but violin is my primary focus and I’ve been playing for 25 years. Much like my struggle with eating disorders, I have crippling stage fright. I assume the basis of my performance anxiety and the basis of my body dysmorphia is self-esteem or lack thereof.
I discovered stimulants in the course of socializing in my late teens/early 20s; my diagnosis of ADD was ignored by my father because he doesn’t believe in mental illness, so I didn’t get prescribed adderall until I was 22. Cocaine was my first drug of choice. It was easy to function on an empty stomach, it made me productive, and I was suddenly stripped of the crippling self doubt I’d been so overwhelmed by in my substance free life. I used it heavily for almost a year before I looked at my life and decided that I had to stop to avert the inevitable crisis and downward spiral which were on the horizon. Over the next few years I discovered psychedelics. I fell in love with LSD, and ecstasy, and shrooms. My ecstasy dealer and I became good friends, and for a year and a half I never had to pay for it because he and I would go to the clubs downtown where we’d inadvertently advertise. People would want whatever we were on, and he made a decent profit off of our escapades.
I moved back home to NYC from Chicago when I was 22 (I’d moved back and forth a couple times by then), and finally started to take life seriously enough to stop partying so much. I saw a doctor who prescribed me adderall, and was feeling regulated enough that I no longer felt the need to take my Prozac or my Abilify. I had a decent job, and was making money on the side by performing in gigs every so often.
The next few years are hard to really remember in detail. I know I was 24 when my dental problems began. Bulimia has no mercy on teeth, and dental problems are expensive. By age 27 I had at least 13 teeth that were broken enough to say there’s no fixing them. Relationship troubles and financial problems led to me moving from NYC to North Dakota. ND was where my father went after leaving my mom for some chick he met at Sturgis. He remarried. He said I could stay with him while I figure out what to do with my life - I finally conceded defeat to stage fright but had never considered any other career up to that point. I also never got along with my father, so why I thought it’d be a good idea to move to the middle of nowhere is anybody’s guess. I was living in my car within two months of relocating here.
8 years later, I’m on probation for possession of methamphetamine. I had three charges, all on deferred imposition of sentence. Two of those cases are now sealed. I’m supposed to be on probation until April of 2026 which is when the third case would be off my record/sealed. Unfortunately I have a hearing on 11/26 for revocation of probation. It’s been a rollercoaster, mostly downhill, since my first inpatient treatment. I’ve been in three sober living homes, and one halfway house. Until June of this year, I just couldn’t stay sober. Every time I would start gaining weight I’d go off the rails and get high, knowing it never takes me more than a week or so to get back down to 135 lbs.
In June I went to inpatient treatment for the second time. I got back to town after graduating, and the next day my house got raided. I got put in jail for 30 days. I was clean, but they weren’t looking for drugs, they were looking for child pornography. I have no clue why they thought I would be involved with anything so reprehensible. They confiscated my phones and all of my computers and flash drives. I was finally cleared of any suspicion after four months, and I just got my property back last week. I was put in jail again for 16 days on 10/28 because I tried for 2 hours to provide a UA at sober living, and I deal with being gun shy. They gave me less than an hour to pack my stuff and get out, after which my probation officer picked me up and brought me to jail. My only friend paid $750 to bond me out. I’ve spent the last five days working on completing courses on edX, and I’m still clean but I’m so intensely frustrated by the constant roadblocks I’ve had to overcome in the last year. I’m afraid I’m going to prison on the 26th. I don’t know what to do. I realize that using isn’t going to get me anywhere, but my revocation petition has 12 allegations (mostly for UA refusals, which is what they call it when you stand there trying to pee with somebody staring at you for two hours). If I’m going to prison I feel like I might as well indulge one last time, but I have four months+ sobriety right now and I just wish that I could show the judge that I’m not some miscreant with no redeeming qualities. I’ve been trying so hard and I just don’t have much fight left in me.
