I just wanted to make a presentation.
I’m 35 years old living in Sweden, and I’ve been having trouble with substance and alcohol since I was a teen. I’ve been barley holding up the times I’ve been pregnant. I’ve been free from heavier drugs and illegal substances for a little over 15 years but I’ve been using alcohol to soothe the effects off that during all this time. I’ve also been struggling with eating disorders and being a frequent jojo dieter during all this time.
Last October I got a real bad cold with a heavy cough that refused to stop. Since I’m asthmatic I’ve got a cough medication with effedrin (which is prescribed here and not to common to use) for a former drug addict who had amfetamin as a favorite drug, that was heaven. And I keept using it even when I didn’t needed it to cure the cough anymore. The positive side effects of it was that I lost weight too, I felt immoral again, a feeling I’ve been chasing ever since I stopped using Amfetamin. But when the med was nearly out and I realized that there was no way I could get more legally I panicked. I panicked hard, until I found a solution in dieting pills that contained Synefrin, which actually is legal here. I bought them and used as many as I dared at a time. Still chasing the immortal feeling, it worked. But it didn’t work as good as I wanted to. And I ran out quick because I used way more than recommended. I ordered new jars, and at the time those landed in my mailbox I had been out for a few days and literally ripped up the package like a crazy person just to get the “fix” again. Even my husband who’s been married to me for 10 years made a comment about it, and he usually doesn’t do things like that. And when he did I decided that was my last jar, and I slowly phased them out.
During Christmas I had reached my goal weight, and we celebrated with my family as usual. A huge party with way to much drinking, it ended up with people arguing and getting mad at eachother like usual. I wasn’t involved in any arguments but I decided it was time to stop drinking. So I did, for 30 days. Just to fall right back in the same habits when an old friend came by with beers. I only planned to take one, onw can’t be that bad right? I did take one, and one more again eventually it ended up with a lot of beers, and some drinks,and even tobacco which I hadn’t used in years. The day after I woke up with the worst hangover for years. And I swore to never drink like that again. A few weeks passed and me and my husband decided to share a beer for dinner. We did and I was so proud for managing drinking only a half beer. Until the weekend after that, same friends came to visit, this time with a box of wine and some beers and since I already broked my sober streak I could might as well drink with them. Same thing happened again and I drank to much. Another hangover later and I swore to only drink champagne occasionally just so people won’t think I’m a drag when they invite me anywhere. I stayed totally sober for another month until the end of April when we celebrate spring here. The weekends since then have been filled with way to much champagne. And Yesterday we had a celebration for a friend who’s just gotten the dream job and is about to move. The only a glass of champagne didn’t work out this time either (ofc It didn’t) I had several bottles, a few beers, and some drinks. Luckily I didn’t woke up with a bad hangover this morning. But I slept terribly dreaming nightmares about calling AA. I know I do have a problem but I live in a very small village and I can’t go to AA here, it’s impossible to stay anonymous and I’m alone with my special needs kids all weeks when my husband is working. I did tell him this morning that I have to stop drinking like this and that I’m going to make a real try this time. The last few weeks I’ve started to follow a few recovery accounts on Instagram and I got the tips about this app reading one of the posts there. So that’s why I’m here know.
I hope everyone of you are staying safe and healthy enjoying the weekend.