Newly Sober: Dating Advice (?)

Life in Recovery
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I guess I’m a newbie, as it’s technically only been 5 weeks, though the mental preparation for this has been more like 5 years. I’m hearing people say you should wait for a year of sobriety to date (or more). But one thing I think I know is that no two persons are exactly alike, and what works for one may not work for another, and vice versa, and so on, etc. E.g., I doubt belief in God as depicted in popular Christianity will ever be my jam.

But I understand the value of the wisdom of those who have walked the path you’re setting out on. And so I’m asking for some of that wisdom as it relates to dating.

In January of 2020, my girlfriend died. I took some time off work. Then COVID/work-from-home happened. The trio of occurrences only lead to heavier drinking (I was already a daily drinker). Long story short: though my life has not been an unmitigated disaster (somehow!), I’ve basically taken a four-year hiatus from dating. At first it was due to mourning, then it was COVID concerns, then it was just reclusiveness. I feel like I have a lot of love to give, but I’m also worried that at this point I’m just Bambi trying to figure out how these lanky new legs are supposed to work.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated. :slight_smile:

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I’m so sorry to hear your girlfriend died and it’s been so hard for you. Unfortunately I don’t really have any good advice, just wanted to let you know I understand the way you feel. I’m struggling with similar thoughts and fears, even though it’s not been long … Don’t lose hope. :heart:

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Hey John welcome to the community and congrats on your 5 weeks of sobriety :people_hugging:
I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

I am not sure if it’s a hard or fast rule about the year but can tell you that our recovery takes a lot out of us. Sobriety isn’t simplly about giving up out addiction. We are coming face to face with ourselves after a very long time. Many adjustments to our daily habits and patterns (iem sleepung and eating) along with inner growth. I believe this is why a timeline is set in regards to dating as we are trying to find ourselves and our footing… beginning to love ourselves maybe for the first time.

You know yourself best so only you can truly know when you are ready to pursue a relationship. If you search “dating” you will find many threads that may be useful for you.

Great work on your sober journey. Do hope to see you around :hugs:

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Hey @Lawhorn and welcome to an awesome sober community. Congrats on 5 weeks of sobriety!! It seems from the quote above you are hesitant but want reassurance that dating now is a good idea.

My unsolicited advice is to focus that love on self growth and getting strong, sober legs beneath you before adding dating/new relationships to the mix

Yes, ive heard in AA not to date for the first year but thats a common advice because people have lost their sobriety so often making that choice.

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Welcome John!
The suggestion to wait a year is so that you are strong in your recovery. Relationships take a lot of hard work just like recovery. Ask yourself if you have the time and energy to put into both. Also, are you ready to handle a breakup without turning to a substance to self sooth? I’ve seen too many people relapse within the first year over relationships because they don’t have the mental stability or self love. In the end, only you know yourself and if you’re ready, make sure sobriety is always your top priority. Wishing you the best on your journey.

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Hey John, I don’t have any advice for dating rules. Just wanted to welcome you to the community and congrats on 5 weeks of sobriety. :muscle:

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Hey @Lawhorn, I’m sorry for your loss, you’ve been through so much in the past few years.
I’m in early sobriety. Although I’m establishing better habits and routines into my life, I can’t imagine bringing someone else in at the moment, for one, I feel that bringing them in when I’m still unsure about where I’m headed would be unfair on them and me… I need to put my recovery first, so I can be the best version of myself, when I do eventually feel ready to put myself out there again…
Good luck

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There’s a reason everyone says to wait. And it’s usually that dating early in sobriety is usually a disaster. I’ve found that people who think they are the exception to the rule are usually the ones who go out and prove the rule to be correct

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Here’s the thing about dating in early sobriety. It’s probably gonna add a lot of stress, best case scenario is it takes up most of your time and you have zero time to work on your sobriety (not good!)

The other thing is that you’re gonna change a lot in a year of sobriety, you probably won’t be looking for the same things in a partner after you’ve achieved long term sobriety. You will change as a human, priorities are going to change.

The last thing I’m gonna say about dating is gonna sound dickish (it’s just reality) what can you actually offer anyone when you’re not stable yourself??? Would it be fair to drag someone into your mess? Your emotions are going to be all over the place, you need to learn to live and cope in recovery.

Congratulations on 5 weeks, it’s nice to meet you. I’m very sorry about your girlfriend.

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The two situations that have led to relapse in early sobriety that I have seen, particularly for men, are working overtime and women. This is based on my mentoring men for 10+ years who are getting sober and coming out of jail.

The reason for relapse in both cases it’s that these are situations that reinforce fast or instant gratification (money and sex are as powerful as drugs and booze), and both take the primary focus in the man’s life off growing sobriety.

Congratulations on your 5 weeks. Protect your sobriety date as if it is a matter of life and death, because it is.

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Welcome John!! :clap:

First, congrats on 5 weeks of sobriety :tada: and second, I’m truly sorry for your loss…

Here’s some wisdom and life experience I’d like to share based off your ask…

I decided to date and found someone in about July of 2022. I had 4 months sobriety at the time. Started off great. No problems. All good…

Then it started slowly…like a ding in a windshield. A glass of :clinking_glasses: started to be 2 and 3 at dinner, (and finishing hers as well). I hid vodka on our trips. I hid bottles of vodka in my apartment when she was over. Long story short I was drinking again. And she had no clue. I was fooling myself. The relationship lasted 8 months. She always felt or knew something was never quite right but never could put a finger on it. Do you think that was fair to her? I definitely needed more time to work on myself. And that’s what I’m doing now. New Years Day will be 7 months for me…and honestly, yes I have complained and whined about being alone and wishing I had someone. But it’s not the right time…for me. When the time comes I’ll be more than ready to share my life with someone in a totally healthy manner.

So yes, everyone, relationships, situations, circumstances may be different but you have to be honest with yourself. I believe in the 1 year sobriety timeframe. Don’t look at it as a punishment but more of you working on yourself…presenting the best version of yourself and most importantly loving yourself. If you can’t have these facets of your life in a strong state…then how can you give yourself to someone else?

I ruined it with my x. We did love each other. But I also fell back in love with my x-demon……

I wish you the best my friend. Stay strong and follow your heart. We’re here for you :pray:t3:

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I actually think this needs to be highlighted again :ok_hand:
We can be so self absorbed about what we want…. Me me me
What about the poor person that will also be involved. I’m glad I was fresh out of a relationship when first getting sober (one I’d ruined by drinking) and had zero interest in dating but I look back at my emotions and how much time was spent finding the real me think I would have been a nightmare to date.
It’s not fair to only think of yourself in this situation (that’s my two cents anyway)

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I was dating a guy when I got sober. That didn’t end well…the next guy was really just filler. I was trying to sort out who I was sober and thought as long as I was dating a sober person it’d be ok. That was not fair to him at all.

It took working out my shit sober for a while before I could start to unpack who I was sober, who I was in relationships and what kind of life I wanted to have. Once I got sorted out…about 20 months into sobriety (I am still, of course, a work in progress)…I was able to actually give myself an HONEST chance at dating.

And go figure: I met by FAR the most high quality partner I have ever had the pleasure of being with, significantly shifted my imbalances as a partner to be more loving and less loaded down by baggage (of course…still a work in progress!), and have a three year marriage now that is filled with mutual respect, transparency, love and a genuine sense of teamwork.

I can honestly say that it is more than I even knew was capable in a relationship.

IMO: do the work now….the sober work, the personal work.

Do it now and know that the ability to make the tricky choice to dive INWARD rather than out into the sea will yield a MUCH greater result in the end.

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I truly appreciate all the advice. Thank you (collectively). Lots to ponder. Now I’m concerned about my general go-it-alone attitude getting in my own way. But I don’t know how to overcome it. I feel more clarity than I have in, idk, about 20 years. It’s difficult to accept that I have to entirely deconstruct myself. I like, or at least accept, some things about me. And I know what I dislike and want to work on (I’m trying to do that with weekly appointments with my Psychologist).

Ironically, the “personal statement” I wrote for my law school application was about the value of humility as revealed through E.B. White’s “Charlotte’s Web.” Talking about concepts is a lot easier than doing, though. I still catch myself being judgy for no particular reason, even though I know conceptually that I’m no different, no better, and no worse than the next person. I also worry that this means I haven’t truly committed, even though I’ve managed thus far.

I have these fragments floating around in my mind, and this passage from a T.S. Eliot poem keeps recurring. It bothers me because it resonates, yet he remained deeply unhappy until his death.

So here I am, in the middle way, having had twenty years—
Twenty years largely wasted, the years of l’entre deux guerres
Trying to use words, and every attempt
Is a wholly new start, and a different kind of failure
Because one has only learnt to get the better of words
For the thing one no longer has to say, or the way in which
One is no longer disposed to say it. And so each venture
Is a new beginning, a raid on the inarticulate
With shabby equipment always deteriorating
In the general mess of imprecision of feeling,
Undisciplined squads of emotion. And what there is to conquer
By strength and submission, has already been discovered
Once or twice, or several times, by men whom one cannot hope
To emulate—but there is no competition—
There is only the fight to recover what has been lost
And found and lost again and again: and now, under conditions
That seem unpropitious. But perhaps neither gain nor loss.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.

My last note of worry (have you noticed I worry a lot?) is that I question whether I–me, this individual–am capable of arriving at some grand conclusion after doing the work. I’m constantly arguing with myself (I never win). For now, I’m just getting by on having a desire not to drink again for the rest of my life, but I know myself too well, and I’m concerned that I will talk myself into accepting the inevitable with a smirk and a head shake.

On a happier note, I went to a concert tonight and kept the faith. Felt proud of myself for doing so.

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I think the main thing is to be honest. Letting people know your sobriety is important and non negotiable.

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I’m so sorry to hear of your partner’s passing I cant imagine how you must be feeling inside, you will find love again, the grief your carrying isn’t healthy I know I can say that so easily as I have never been in your position, alcohol never gives you the solution it makes you forget the question, I used to drink when I was stressed I drank more when I lost my dear friend in 2014 due to kidney failure. I really hope you find some peace within yourself to move forward,I doesn’t make you a bad person to relapse we all have done it, sometimes you have to fail a bunch of times to be successful,I hope your future is bright and sober but most of all your happy again.