I guess my story is kind of long? I started using when I was really young. It started with thc, within 6 months I was using c0ke and m3th at 13 with a group of people that were well into their 20s. This put me in a lot of dangerous situations which has left me with what I’ll call some “colorful trauma”. I was able to get away from using m3th and h3roin around 19. I was relatively good at hiding. Most of my close and sober(ish) friends from back then didnt even know I was using outside of c0ke and thc. I was never much of a drinker. My dad didnt even know until I told him on my 18th birthday when I decided to quit. The withdrawals were horrible. My dad is a medical professional so I asked him for help. But he doesnt know much outside of that I had a problem and got passed it. My mom knows EVERYTHING now (aside a few grewsome details surrounding SA and things of that nature). By 21 I was still using a lot of c0ke and started drinking ocasionally. My now fiance who I met at 18 was also pretty heavily stuck in active addiction and also an alcoholic so our tendencies wore off on each other and everything became really toxic and abusive. By 22 I myself became and alcoholic and c0ke turned to cr@ck pretty rapidly. I had done cr@ck in the past but it was almost daily at this point. My fiance and I decided that needed to go. We would always set rules for ourselves…to keep us in the “functioning addict” category. We would take breaks or pauses from a certain substance when we hit a certain boundary (i.e. lost a certain level of weight, dental issues, skin issues, etc) so we stopped at the begining of 2021. Weve stayed clear from that since. About a year ago I decided i was done with the use of c0ke. This left me a mess as a massove alcoholic. 4 shots in the morning to get out of bed and stop shaking kind if alcoholic. Things got progressively worse with my partner. Very violent and then I went into liver failure… I begged and begged for us to get sober, for support. Were adults now. I value my life and i want to stop.
Well, after 2 almost successful suicide attempts, one night we got into this massive fight about nothing… things got a little too rough followed by some threats to my loved ones and i called the cops. We took some time apart. Weve both sobered up. We go to therapy together and apart. We both find cool ways to support each other when were craving and have very clear boundaries to keep each other from dragging the other down. But ultimately I’m here because everyone i know drinks… my parents, the few friends i do have… i feel out of place…kind of left out? I’m managing the cravings really well with journaling and meetings. Ive even done ok once or twice in a bar setting but ultimately had to excuse myself. I get a lot of support from my friends and family and its great going through this with my fiance of 7 years but i feel violently alone. I feel like I’m missing out when i decline an after work drink event with co workers or ask my friends to do something without drinking. So that has been a struggle for me. I also feel like partying was a massive part of my identity for so long that i kind of dont feel like i know who i actually am sometimes.
Im just looking for some support or advice… just want to be able to talk with other people who feel the same way and help others in areas i have excelled and gotten through.
Anyways. Thanks for coming to my ted talk lol