Well, I am new here. I am new to sobriety. I have had relapse after relapse. I’m an RN who is very high up in an administrative role. I’ve been an ICU nurse, and I’ve been a school nurse. I have worked in the hospital for years in acute care. I had a bad back injury in 2012 that left me disabled. Instead of collecting disability, I found a more sedentary nursing job. With my experience, i was lucky to be able to have that choice. When i hurt my back, i was on opioid pain killers for a couple years. I came off of them, switched to medical marijuana for pain mgmt, and did not get addicted. I think it primed me to be in the place i am now.
The trauma in my life, like many, has been extensive. Molestation, beat by stepfathers, lost my real father to cancer at 14, mother who is never pleased with anything, my best bud, and stepfather of 20 years got sick with brain cancer 3 years ago. I think this is where i started to become at risk for drug abuse. I was my family’s rock, and always was there for everyone but myself. I was his healthcare proxy, and after 2 years of watching him fight and deteriorate from cancer, i had to make the decision to put him on hospice. Shortly after that he died in my arms. While he was sick, i would take a 5mg Percocet here and there for pain. It is so insidious how it happens when you become an addict. After he passed i was kind of still doing the same thing. Then developing a tolerance, i started taking more to achieve a numbing of my emotions. Then Covid hit. On top of being isolated and feeling depressed like many others, it’s my job to coordinate and oversee my city’s contact tracing and vaccine clinics. I found myself starting to take bigger doses, eventually sniffing them, and needing high doses of oxycodone. Then my nana died. She was my best friend in this whole world. I still can’t even look at a photo of her. This is when i got real bad. I detoxed
At home several times, but always relapsed. In February i finally sought treatment and went on injectable Sublocade. I couldn’t achieve a high to numb myself with that, so i stared using cocaine. I have relapsed multiple times with that. It’s to the point where my wife doesn’t trust a word i say. I also forgot to mention …my wife had our daughter right as the pandemic became severe. 6 weeks early. Emergency c section. I wasn’t allowed to be there for her birth. My daughter spent 4 weeks in the NICU. It was awful. She’s healthy and happy now. I want to be the wife and mom they both deserve. My wife is an addict in recovery with 6 years clean. She does not support me …but never has. In therapy we have talked about being honest. Which i have been doing. She’s been trying to support me a little better but i cannot relapse again. So, here i am. If i relapse again, my bottom will surely fall out. I’ll lose everything. I am here to see if anyone else deals with this…constant relapse. I really want to be clean but every time i get very stressed, i use. I used to cope so effectively. But now i can’t. I don’t know what to do. I have 5 days clean. I’m super bummed i let myself get to this point.
I had to become willing to stop fighting the idea of sobriety. I made lots of excuses, including work stress and family stress, to return to drinking. The idea of being sober and NEVER driving again was too overwhelming for me at the time.
I became willing to practice radical sobriety on a day to day basis. I did not drink no matter what one day at a time. I got help from many quarters. I stopped thinking about forever and being anxious over the future in exchange for actions taken to keep me sober for that day.
You have made it 5 days on fear and willpower. There is a discussion here on many other ways to grow your sobriety. Resources for our recovery
Blessings on your house as you begin your journey.
I would like to go in person, but I am a very public figure in my community. Unfortunately, my employer has a zero tolerance policy with drugs. So i am going to do zoom meetings. I haven’t give NA a real chance yet, but i started meetings today and am hoping i can find a good sponsor. Thank you
Better you should be outed as a person in recovery than for stealing meds or DUI.
Maybe call the local hotlines and meet a member 1 on 1 (probably they will send two people, for safety) to discuss your anonymity concerns. We take our anonymity outside meetings very seriously around here.
As far as the trauma, seek a therapist. They’re are licensed and capable of helping you. When it comes to your sobriety, I can’t stress enough how important meetings, getting a sponsor, getting involved with a home group, and step work. Start praying and developing a concept of a higher power. That’s all I can say and I’m here if you need to chat.
We take anonymity very serious in AA. My hubby is in the program. We go to separate meetings and never discuss who we see there. The chair person always announces…“who we see here and what we hear here, stays here!”
There are really good woman only meetings on ITR. You’re only called on when you click the share button. You can hang out and just listen until you get familiar and no one will know who you are. All addictions are welcome. It’s called soul sisters. Meetings are Sun at 9pm EST, Tues and Wed at 7pm EST and Sat at 1pm EST. Here’s the link.
Wow. You all have made some incredibly helpful comments. I don’t have a problem with people knowing I’m an addict, but I would like to keep my job. My wife is out of work, and we have a 16 month old daughter. The income i bring home is all we have. I work a lot though. I am in therapy and have been. I’m also seeing a “prescriber” at an outpatient substance use Treatment center. I don’t have access to meds now that I’m in an administrative level, but even when i wasn’t and was actively using, i never diverted any meds or even went to work high. I don’t know if that would have happened down the road, but i didn’t want to see. So in feb 2021 i sought out outpatient treatment. So i have been good with opiates…when you’re on Sublocade there’s no point in using. You cannot get high. But I’m working through my trauma in therapy and that’s why i resorted to using coke. It was something that could get me high and substitute actually coping with things. I cannot do that and i realize that.
I am just done. I’m done with it all. It’s been a year and a half of hell. Today will be 6 days clean from everything. I have attended online video meetings with NA via zoom, and purchased the books that were recommended. My plan is to attend 2 of those meetings a day. Going to them in person doesn’t have anything to do with me not wanting people to know i am an addict, and more to do with me not wanting to lose my job. It’s something i love to do.
I’m not just going to do that, but i think i need to just change my lifestyle. I’ve been an athlete all of my life. I used to be addicted to exercise. I want to eat healthy and get back to exercising regularly. That’s when i was at my best.
You all do not know how much i appreciate all of your input and advice. And i read every single word that every single person wrote. And i am going to continue my journey with all of it in mind.
I’m also a medical professional, and I get your worry. I tell almost no one I work with that I’m in recovery-isn’t it shameful the way the stigma of addiction shapes the world.
I hope you get the help and support you need. This pandemic has been particularly difficult for frontline workers-I actually am working on a study about it - and we’ve seen higher numbers of nurses self medicating then we’ve ever witnessed before. I know where I live there are anonymous resources available specifically for nurses seeking help……
Again, I wish you love and light and healing. Keep working the steps, keep reading the literature, and utilize those therapy resources. And find a sponsor if you can.
Completely understand your predicament, I work in a school and my local treatment centre is over the road. My doctors constantly saying why don’t you use this service. The first time I went there were parents from school. It was so degrading but they just kept saying well your there for the same reason. It’s bollocks, parents speak to parents and so on. I have had no joy from professionals and as risky as it can be I do all my research online now. I’ve been hearing voices and having hallucinations now for 12 months. Not once in those 12 months has any doctor talked to me about phsycosis. I thought I needed a priest fgs
So you get what i mean. I am a public health nurse who manages all things COVID in our community that is public health. Contact tracing, vaccine clinics, and so much more. I have severe PTSD from this. Myself and my contact tracers are constantly physically abused, and i have had my life threatened more than once. Since I’m a public service employee, my address is public record. I even had someone try to break into my house. He didn’t notice my cameras and went from window to window trying to get in. Once he came onto my front porch and tried to open the door, he saw the camera and ran. This had nothing to do with anything drugs. I believe it was someone who threatened me because i “helped the China people”.
Did you happen to see the MMRW that the CDC out out …idk maybe a month ago that did studies on how the pandemic has effected front lines and public health workers ? The statistics they share are eye opening. That’s very cool that you’re doing a study. The hardest part about this is that someone in the outpatient treatment center i go to violated HIPPA already, and it caused me problems. So i don’t trust anyone around my small city to keep it anonymous. I’m still trying to find out what happened with the HIPPA breach. I’m still going strong. Been to one NA meeting today already and will go to another later. Thank you for your insight …I’m trying to find a sponsor.
Wow. I’m so sorry to hear that. Is there anyone out of the area you could see ? I feel terrible to hear you’re dealing with that.
The treatment center i am being treated at is a place i work with every day. And everyone knows who i am. I trusted them because of HIPPA but someone leaked something and now it’s hard to trust anyone. I need my job.
I’m gonna work NA meetings get a sponsor and take it one second at a time.
I really hope you can find someone that can help you ….
Bless you … I’m working hard on my health at the moment as the mental health team are doing nothing. They only give these challenges to the stronger ones, a friend told me the other day … I will keep searching for some help as I’m not sure just a healthy body is going to fix my brain. It’s a start. Thank you Gayla_D xx
It really was. It was making me want to use because she just constantly was mad and mean to me. I have done a lot of messed up stuff and lied a lot, but i promised to be honest. I have been and shes still the same. We are in couples therapy and i reminded her about the years she relapsed for and the things she did. It’s like she forgot.
Our therapist helped her learn ways to support me without enabling me. Things have been better since that discussion.
I got sober with zoom. Tried various meetings to find one I liked, if u google ‘aa directory’ u can find a list of online aa. I managed to get a sponsor from emailing an address in the chat.
as you begin your journey.
… I’m working hard on my health at the moment as the mental health team are doing nothing. They only give these challenges to the stronger ones, a friend told me the other day 
… I will keep searching for some help as I’m not sure just a healthy body is going to fix my brain. It’s a start. Thank you Gayla_D xx