To whom ever reads this, thank you in advance.
Hey, I’m Nick. I’m new here. Also kind of new to forums as much as I hate to admit for my age. But I’ll just dive right in.
My sober date is December 10th, 2024. That’s 1 year, 7 months, 11 days. Also exactly 84 weeks. I look back at the time I spent in rehab (my first 30days) and I swear it still feels fresh in my mind. Almost like yesterday. Im glad the pain is still fresh, it adds to my motivation to keep moving.
The one thing that i have opened my eyes to the most is just how much I was lying to myself. I always told myself that the using was my only problem, if I wasn’t using that everything else would be sunshine and daises…I was soo wrong. I was not even aware of my own bad habits, health issues, horrible relationships, etc.. Once sober though I could see the mountain before me that i would have to get over if I wanted a better return on life. I’ll be honest, I thought about getting sober a lot. But the thought of all the things I would have do and the humility I would have to contend with while sober, it kept me out there longer and longer chasing an early exit from life.
I struggled with metal health issues since leaving the service in 2011. At the time i blamed the service for my problems and blamed them for my prescription pain med addiction. I wont go into numbers but it got bad real quick after I discharged. I eventually was able to assert my own will against it and taper down and go cold turkey. Life was good after that, I thought nothing could get in my way since i was able to tame my addiction. With no support or any knowledge about addiction it quietly resurfaced as Social drinking. I told my self that i never had a drinking problem before so ill be fine…I became the infamous Functional Addict. I just want to point out that being functional addict does not mean I was in control of everything. It means that my addiction made sure that i was going to work and doing all that i had to do in order to keep the alcohol rolling in.
I quit drinking finally in 2018 after 2 years in and out of rehabs and a suicide attempt. I wanted to stop so bad but couldn’t. Suicide is never the right option. Ever. But I know how it feels being in a spot where you feel like its your only option.
Again, life became good again. I dealt with the VA getting my benefits, I enrolled at DeVry here in Chicago and I became a excellent student but again I didn’t do any maintenance towards my addictive personality. I thought just stopping would be enough. But I never addressed the left over issues. I thought somehow they would just go away some day. Also, going to school was putting a lot of money in my pocket and i had a lot of time to spare. Not a good mix for a recovering addict. I was removed from school for not doing work by the 2 year mark but I had relapsed for months by then and on even heaver drugs this time. I became stuck. I lost my apartment with everything that I owned, my car, along with anything resembling a relationship. Just gone, like a puff of smoke.
It was 2 weeks before x-mas 2024 and i was dope sick and thinking of just giving up. I had been struggling it felt like forever and i was just tired. But I got the idea to call the veterans crisis line. That was the best decision of my life. I was able to transported to the nearest hospital and enter the rehabilitation center December 10th 2024. a new struggle began brewing though as i got sober and began widening my safe zone. Responsibilities and commitments emerged. Past relationships with friends and family that I destroyed, now i had to man up and deal with the reaction of the things i did. The hard part was i had to be ok with however people responded because i was the one who caused the damage in the first place.
84 weeks sober and i still have a lot to learn. I hardly ever think of drugs, I wont lie and say this all was easy, far from it. But if nothing changes, then nothing changes. Another hard thing to get over is not comparing myself to other people my age. If you’ve faced addiction and come out the other side, alive. That a miracle in its self. Many are not so fortunate, and that is what keeps me going.
I’m sorry for the mess of a story, there’s actually a lot i left out and I’m sure a lot i don’t remember. It a bad habit of mine to explain in a weird way and then get distracted on something else and start talking about that. Thank you for reading this, I’ve never really ever been able to share this much with anyone. Finding friends has been the hardest thing to do these days. As i focused to much on work and used it as a crutch and didn’t maintain my social life at all. ok well this is long enough. I wish everyone the best on their journey through life.
As of today I’m 6 month off Suboxone and i feel…weird but good. This is the longest I’ve been sober in 15 years. I’m still trying to figure out who I am. Like sober me. I feel embarrassed when talking about AA/NA because I haven’t really maintained a close relationship with either but i do go. I’ve just been really focused on my spiritual feeling and guidance. I haven’t been doing this alone, I couldnt have dont this alone. I know i have work todo. Using feels like the smallest problem i face these days but I’ll never let it out of my sight like i did in the past. This is my life this time, and im going to live it free of controlling substances, people, and situations. One day at a time,
-N10c41k-
