Feeling crushed at the moment.
I can’t even.
It’s so hard…
I grieve for the abuse I have endured on all levels. How they have made me who I am not. How being intimate represents threat. Too close is too scary and too far is abandoning.
Tonight I sit closely with my broken shards of my life and feeling these painful emotions.
Angry for the injustice that was done to me and how I have to be the adult and save myself. I never got to be a little girl. My childhood was robbed of my innocence and I grew up being a parentified child.
My intrusive impulsiveness is rearing it’s ugly head. Egging me on. Do it. Do it. Do it. Louder and louder. My mind swirls and tells me to take off and leave everything behind. Run from the pain.
Pulling my head under the covers. Hoping I can make it through the night.
Wanting the high to protect me from pain.
The silence, the uncertainty, the understanding, the truth and the sober emotions. Here I am in the same room with my pain. What the fuck am I to do?