Daniel and I were addicts, the walls of our home were seeped in darkness and sorrow many times. Our relationship, embedded in addiction. Especially at the end and with that brings a lot of chaos and pain. We were two broken kids in adult bodies, causing each other heartache far to many times to count. There is nothing beautiful about sharing dope on your bathroom floor with your spouse. There is nothing beautiful about screaming into a phone to keep them awake as they are driving, because they’re so high they are nodding out and vomiting on themselves and you’re terrified they are going to wreck and die, or god forbid, kill someone else. There is nothing beautiful about your ten year old child becoming worried every time their daddy goes to leave because “mom I have to ride with dad or he’ll fall asleep!”. There is nothing beautiful when an unfinished life is made finished, dying alone in a porta potty due to an overdose. It’s devastatingly sad, extremely gross and heartbreaking. We loved each other the best we knew how, but it was by no means always a healthy love. I choose to honor Daniel instead of focusing on the darkness because there really was so much good before addiction fully took over. I don’t want my words misinterpreted as romanticizing addiction, there is nothing beautiful about it. I know my writings paint a picture, please do not be fooled. Regret and remorse coat the walls of my heart. With that being said, despite it all, I feel an honor. That our two souls found calm and neutral ground, in the midst of chaos. The love was bright when we allowed it. It puts a smile on my face at how astounding his soft moments were. How did I manage that, stopping his spinning long enough to love me?I don’t know. I say that because I also don’t know how using that day, just four days home from rehab, was so much more intriguing to him than being sober. What I do know is we loved, we really did, and though there was no beauty in the addiction, there was so much in the addict 
14 Likes
Sarahya, this brought me to tears. I’m so sorry for your loss. You, Daniel and your beautiful children had so much love, I hate the addiction that took him away from you. You’re so strong, getting clean and honoring your husband’s memory with your writing.
Addiction is ugly. It nearly ended me. It nearly ended my marriage. It nearly got both of us killed more times than I can count.
2 Likes