I can relate. During my last 11 months of drinking, I was dealing with the aftermath of my mother’s passing. I checked out emotionally from my marriage, and drank almost every night. It really took its toll, since my wife had to be “the responsible parent”, inspite of her working full-time. I deluded myself by thinking as long as I was working, I “deserved” to drink, so as not to deal with grief.
I’m glad I quit when I did, because she was at the end of her rope. Had I kept drinking, she’d have likely asked me to leave. I’d have gotten mad and felt abandoned and likely drank even more, and with my mental state the way it was, had likely given her a divorce “just to show her what’s what”.
Deep down though, I wanted to quit. I’m glad I did, because every single day has been a good day, even the bad days. Why? Because I started and ended them sober. I took what the day had to give, and gave better than I got.
I’ve been getting better at getting better for 1203 days…and I’m never going back.
I had this same mindset. It was my mommy time to wind down. I also thought nothing bad could happen after my daughter was sleeping. Boy was I wrong. My daughter fell out of bed and I was too shit faced to deal with it when it happened. I finally took her to the emergency room the next day and found out her arm was broke in 2 places. I felt like the worst mom ever. What mom waits hours to get their child medical care? An alcoholic mom, that’s who. I’ve forgiven myself for that bad mom moment but I’ll be damned if I let that happen again.
I’m thankful it never got that far to happen to me, but it very easily could have. It’s scary for sure. Hubby says he can’t tell me how many times I was blacked out and my oldest was crying for me in bed because she was scared.
I’ll turn 55 next month, and I’m still figuring out who I am. Sure, I can ascribe labels to myself, like husband, father, veteran, sales professional, martial artist, disciple…but these are just parts of the whole. These are resume items.
One label I’ve thrown off is “drunk”. I don’t want this to be part of who I am.
I think if you look at it more deeply you will realise it is for yourself as well as your children and husband. It NEEDS to be for yourself as well.
Even just thinking for a second:
No hungover days
Not being chained to a bottle by the addictive voice
Chance of having a stroke reduced
Chance of cancer reduced.
Etc
Etc
Hey man, whatever would help me sleep, I was all for! It started as “wind down”. I don’t even remember the fights my husband says we had. I remember drinking, watching my show, and then going to bed. That’s it.
I used to drink to “sleep” then after a period of sobriety and a relapse, I woke to the fuzzy head after a mouth-open pass out on my bed for 7 hours and the first thing that entered my mind… “That wasn’t sleep” it was as if someone else was saying the words to me, but it was crystal clear that it was not sleep… After a time of proper sleep you will have the fuel to realise this too.
Yeah I was never rested. But I also have an 8 month old waking me up multiple times a night. So I never sleep. But during the day I do have more energy now. If I go outside to walk the dog it helps too. Just depends on how lazy I am that day.
You don’t have to quit forever…just for today. And then when you wake up tomorrow, just stay sober for another day. Just one day at a time.
I do recommend AA. Try and “open speaker” meeting. You won’t have to say anything, just listen. Just Google for meetings in your are and look for “open” and “speaker”.
