Its good to be back, finally after 2 times in a psychiatric clinic, my last relapse was on the 19th of this month. I decided to check myself into a psych clinic I just can’t take this anymore. This is a cycle, i only last one month sober and than I dont know if any body will believe me but I really dont know what happens, sometimes there’s triggers sometimes theres not. But I go back, and I go on a binge, this time it lasted for a week and a half but its ugly. This might be too much info but I pee on myself I let my place look like trash. I look like shit, and I am PHEENING as soon as my liquor stops if im still sober. I have 0 dollars. I am not with my partner anymore. I broke up with him because I thought I had found someone, stupid me. SO stupid I ended up getting pregnant, than got an abortion. That made me fall hard after, so that led to me going to the hospital because I fell split my head and had to get stitches, so I decided to go to a behavioral place after the hospital. I got out was put on meds and than I fell again!! ughhhhhhhhhh So now I decided to go this second time. I thought I was going to the same place but I ended up in a psych ward wtf!! on accident. (It was a blessing in disguise) more on that later. My partner has had our kids for the last 2 weeks and I feel horrible because I miss my kids so bad, but I completely understand. None of my siblings talk to me. there overly tired. I have my mom which I know at the end of the day I am very blessed. I have a plan now. and I am determined to break this fuckn cycle. and sometimes you have to go thru so much pain and loneliness to become whole. I got baptized today. I feel good. I spent some time with my mom. but now im back to being lonely in this room. But im determined. Thank you for reading this far.
Thank you so much for your positivity!!
Welcome back @Gonzolady 
It’s good to see you again; I’ve been worrying about you. I’m glad you’re safe
It sounds like you’ve found the gift of desperation. Addiction is a lying, deceitful whisper that sneaks in and says “c’mon it’s fine just one” - but as the old saying goes, one is too many, and a thousand is never enough.
It sounds like you’re in a good space to really dig into yourself and lay a foundation. This is a gift - make the best use of it you can. Ask questions, share, ask more questions, take action one day one hour at a time, and keep an open mind.
You will get there. You will get there one day at a time. 
Matt!!! I am soo soo happy to hear from you as well!!
Yes your so right, im desperate. so so desperate, if I can Die for my children in a blink of an eye if I can kill for my children without a thought than how the fuck can I not stop drinking?!? NO Fuck no this stops NOW. I have done something ive never done ive reached out for help. like really actually reached out for help. ive told my church pastors which was really hard. so they have something called celebrate recovery which sounds like something that I would like to do. and I will be going tommorow to a new place tommorow for the same thing. have you heard of that? Celebrate Recovery I recently came across it and im really excited. but i plan to go every day to a class every single day no excuses. ITS TIME TO FUCKN FIGHT THIS DISEASE AWAY.
Sounds like you have truly hit the bottom and understand to your core that drinking is madness. The good news is you only have to do that once. The bad news is revovery takes a lot of work. Agree with LMC, take all the help you can, throw everything and the kitchen sink at recovery. We are always hear to listen and support. 
Haha thats pretty funny throw everything and the sink to my recovery. Yes man exactly your right. and I will be logging in with you guys every day this forum has always been a blessing to me. and hell yeah this is the hardest thing ive ever faced. I have lost everything BUT my children and ill be DAMNED IF THAT FUCKN DEVIL TAKES THEM FROM ME. Thank you for your reply
Can you give me a thread of mothers on here fighting addiction I am still trying to figure out this website
Yes I’ve heard of celebrate recovery, there are lots of people who use it and love it. I’m sure you’ll grow a lot from it! I know how important your church is to you - it sounds like your pastors opinion is very important to you - and there will be a good connection
I know there are some threads and there are lots of mothers here - if you search words like “mother” “raising children” “parenting” etc etc in the search bar at the top of the site, you’ll find some.
I can’t find any threads specifically about it (at least, not any recent ones) but I’ll keep looking
Here’s one with a good mix of posts:
Thank You!!!