I’m embarking on this real tough journey of being alone within the 4 walls of my room (occasionally with roommates) AND accepting my real situation.
AND NOT try escaping it by reading novels.
It’s going to be tough. Maybe I’ll relapse. Maybe there will be an uncontrollable urge to read.
But it’s been 10 years since I put an effort to this. 10 years with this horrible compulsion of always wanting to read romance or all the shir on my previous post.
Having this huge urge to open AnyBooks & to get lost into a fiction novel. Could be because of tge stress. But I studied just for about 1.5 hours today.
Ok. going to give myself a pat on the back and say- “atleast 1 thing is checked off your to-do list. Just keep going. sleep if you need rest. but no AnyBooks or YouTube or procrastination. 1.5 hrs is a lot for a baby step!”
Hey Fighter, i would highly suggest you search TS for pornography, sex, lust, and Masturbation addiction related threads. There is a ton of advice that you could apply to your own situation. Though im a Pornography addict, it sounds like our struggles are the same. Compulsion to search and find the “right one” or hours of binging on eroticism in various forms. Been there.
Try martial arts. Really. It will teach you focus, discipline, stress reduction. If you aren’t up for hitting or getting hit, try Tai Chi. It’s like Yoga for fighters. No contact. Slow, deliberate, smooth movement.
Oh this is tough. I believe reading is so good for the brain so I hate to see someone not read…BUT I totally get the dangers of escaping reality with stories. My daughter does it with video games and I do it with daydreaming. I suspect my sister does it with her fantasy novels.
I don’t have advice but I am here to give any support.
@VSue Yeah! There have been times like past 3 am at night… sometimes past 5am or even more, my eyes are hurting. I am sleepy. But just because I want to finish that novel on AnyBooks/Wattpad/Online source, I keep reading until it either goes to a larger extreme or I just fall asleep with the phone in my hand only to get up next morning & realise what I did. Pathological reading
I collapsed under all the stress… lots to study. And I pushed it all away. After 5 days of Sobriety… fell into what feels like “The Purge”. Yeah, that movie. Ditched my demonstration class and Medicine ward rotation. Was on my bed all day like a vegetable just reading one novel after another. Ordered junk from online food delivery.
THERE WAS THAT VOICE TELLING ME TO GO STUDY BUT I JUST CHOSE TO IGNORE IT.
CHOSE TO.
And I even agree that the novels gave me a certain kind of high. Read 3 books in a day. Masturbated on the graphic sex in one of the novels. Craved the kind of love that was mentioned in the novels.
I just feel like a fool now. But you know what? I am ashamed that I don’t feel ashamed about it.
I am still feeling the high. Still wanting to read. Don’t want to get back to the video lectures.
But I guess we have to be prepared to fuck up. ACCEPT it when we fuck up. But get back again on the sobriety journey.
You really need to remove the temptations. Lots of us removed all booze or drugs from our homes to prevent us from being tempted. You need to do the same. Delete the apps. If you need your computer for studying then block websites etc. Maybe do your studying at the library only…using library computers even.
I’ve tried using StayFocused to block the apps many times. But the moment the block time gets over, I fall back a million times harder, being a vegetable for over 2-3 weeks.
In the past I had stayed sober for a whole year before getting access to a smart phone & wi fi and falling back again.
I can’t avoid the internet. I would never be able to study without the Online lectures.
Library’s a good option but no Wi-fi there. And I study a lot from online lectures. But will try the library once I get my notes down or something.
Getting out of that “comfortable space” where we act out is important. Alone time with a screen is something I avoid as much as I can. Studying in the library is a great idea. Are there study groups for some of the courses you’re in? That might help as well.
Yoga has been helpful for me in helping me to find my breath when I’m overwhelmed and stressed. Tai chi is great too, though. Sobriety is about learning to be ok with discomfort. Maybe try some of those social/active things your mind is telling you to avoid.
Agree with @Mtrav0040 100%. Addicting breeds in isolation. You need a support person who can put the locks up. Block specific websites or only allow certain websites. If im honest. Theres a list of only like 20-30 sites i access on a regular basis. Everything else can go to dust. I dont need them.
This is really hard. I’ve been there. So full of hope and then it all goes down the drain in one moment of unclarity.
Relapse, to me, is a sign that I have to make some adjustments to my program. And it’s taken a while to find out what I really need. It’s hard because everyone has to find their own way. What works for some may not work for others.
But I have to agree with everything that’s been said by @DungeonMaster, @Mtrav0040, and @VSue. Wow! You guys rock! Hit the head right on the nail.
Step1: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction; that our lives had become unmanageable.
My addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful. And I cannot leave it behind without help. I am weak. I need help.
I would not be able to stay sober in your situation. Not a chance. So my thoughts.
Set some boundaries in your life.
You shared that the computer and smart phone are points of contention for you and that you were able to achieve a year of sobriety without them. Find a way to make your home safe. Where there is a will, there is a way. And if I can set good boundaries, so can you. Getting these blocks in place has been a major undertaking in my life. And the process is still ongoing. Always looking for ways to make my castle safe. Many members here shared the value of making a complete environmental change; switching jobs, moving to a new place, making better friends. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from yourself. And I would recommend you try a different app blocker next time. Stay Focused worked for me for about 3 weeks until I accidentally discovered a way to cheat the locks, totally useless to me.
If there is an SLAA meeting nearby, join it. Trust me, you’ll fit right in.
Don’t lose hope. Don’t give up. You’ll make some adjustments in your life, and you’ll get better at this. Keep coming back.
