Hey all, I’m new here. Sober day 1. Myself and my boyfriend both need to quit but I’m not sure if hes ready. We’ve been together almost 8 years and he has always had issues with alcohol. Everyone around me always tells me to leave him but I don’t want to. I want to do this together. Any thoughts/advice? Thanks 
2 Likes
Hey @Tiredmom09! Thanks for reaching out and posting. Sounds like on one hand you’d like to do it with him and on the other hand, it looks like an uphill battle since he’s not ready.
Thoughts? How does he feel about the whole thing? Can it be working the program?
1 Like
He has said before that he will quit but never does and then I get sucked back into drinking also. We’ve never been to any meetings or anything. I’ve always just thought I could do it on my own but I’m starting to see that I can’t. I just really want him to commit to this with me. It’s tough.
1 Like
Thank you I honestly feel a little better already. I’ve never had any type of support or advice like this!
go to a meeting they will help you wish you well
3 Likes
I have to agree, you need to do this for yourself and hope that he will follow suit, even if it means that you go to meetings by yourself initially
4 Likes
When I met my wife, I was 19. I drank a lot, pretty regularly. She didn’t drink at all. She minded but it wasn’t a deal breaker. As our relationship grew, she tried to get me to stop drinking, but I didn’t. Her Mom and sister told her to leave me and telling her I was no good. They were probably right. As our relationship grew, we became dependent on one another, but I kept drinking. We ended up having kids and bought a house and all that and I kept drinking. 21 years later, our kids are almost grown up and I JUST quit drinking. My sobriety is not without its marital problems, turns out I’m a lot less “fun” sober and that has annoyed my wife.
Now, I don’t know if she wanted to try to “fix me” in the beginning and later realized that she couldn’t and settled or if she fell in love with the drunk version me and settled or what, but the reality is, you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change, and if that person does finally change, you may not like what that person changes into.
6 Likes
I really hope that’s not the case. I hope he’ll be happier and healthier living a sober life.
I think I should just take the initiative and go for it. Its just scary to me. I’m pretty awkward in social situations sometimes
1 Like
I felt nervous going to meetings, the anticipation before going is far worse than the actual meeting itself. My issue was drinking and I have 105 days behind me. My husband smokes weed and he’s no intention of giving up, it sucks but I can’t change him, I can only change me, I go to meetings without him and I won’t let him stop me, my recovery is mine to own, he could derail me quiet easily if I let him, he says no one will know if I have one drink, well I’ll know so it’s a no. The further into sobriety you go the easier it gets I promise
5 Likes
I love the support that everyone is offering. And yes I’m sure it’s scary to go by yourself and it may feel like you’re alone as you’ve been with him for 8 years. At the same time, you are important and by getting support, you’ll find allies that will stand by you or reach out.
That may help your boyfriend or it may not. Time will tell. For now, you’re responsible for you so keep going!
2 Likes
So she’s very spontaneous, and I am too, to a point. It’s a lot easier to make stupid decisions after many drinks.
For example:
4 years ago, we were chatting with each other while at work on a Friday, she suggested we get married over the weekend. But we would have to go to another state as ours requires a 3 day waiting period. I was apprehensive, but on Friday’s at work, at 3pm they brought the booze. So, after a few drinks I was like hell yeah, lets get married! So we packed up when we got home and drove to Reno and got married in a 24 hour chapel.
Now, I’m a little more grounded. Last weekend she wanted to fly to L.A. for the day to get a McRib. Hey, don’t judge! Lol
I told her nah, not a smart move. I would have done so if i was drinking.
She’s a free spirit and that’s why Iove her. We’ve had many many adventures because of that. I Guess sobriety is turning me into my dad.
1 Like
Read the book This Naked Mind…both of you should. It’s really helped change my opinion and outlook on drinking and alcohol in general. I began with AA, but the book and FB group has helped me so much more. Life without alcohol is a million times more calm and easy. Of course stressful things still happen, but I am able to deal with the issues so much easier now. 190 days sober, and I’m never going back!!! And as far as your bf, you can’t make him do anything he hasn’t decided to do, work on you, and stay away from temptimg situations for a while.
5 Likes
Thanks! Do you know where I can find the book?
Obsessed with this book. She has a podcast too!
3 Likes
Thanks for sharing!
I’m gonna tell you a little of my story.
So here I was, in a 10 year relationship, with another addict/alcoholic, and we cant quit on our own. We tried many times, but never to be on the same page. Hed want to quit one day and I wouldnt, and vice versa. We never did get sober while together. Ever! So one day, my family has an intervention on me for drugs and alcohol. I got sent to rehab one night after work. I knew I’d be going, just not that exact night. So I’m there and it’s been almost 30 days and I end up staying a total of 90 days in the long run. Well while there, i realized how unhealthy my relationship actually was. We would always use together which resulted in stupid arguments and selfishness. I had realized how mentally abusive he really was to me. Not saying I was a saint, but he was mean when he wasnt using or drinking. I also felt used, but that’s a different story. So I ended up breaking things off and we kept in touch. I moved back to town after 9 or so months and as soon as we hung out, I was back out there using. We were using buddies, not lovers. I was blinded is what happened! We were totally unhealthy for each other, toxic! Toxic is a harsh word but it’s true. We fed off each others addiction. But then I went back to rehab, he slept with my best friend, and we split for good. So it goes to show, how messed up that situation really was.
But this is just my situation, no one elses. Doesnt have to be yours either. But I will tell you this. You can not make someone get sober. He will do it when hes ready.
So in the mean time, you need to get yourself sober first. Lead by example. Now it’s going to be hard, bc hes still using or drinking, whatever the case may be, fill in the blank. But it is possible. How bad do you want it? You’re going to have to set boundaries in place if your truely serious about getting sober. Now this is either gonna make you or break you guys. He will either follow suit or do the opposite. Try not to put expectations on him though, as in getting sober with you. He might but might not either. In a fairy tale world, you guys would get sober together and live happily ever after. But it’s not that simple. Just something to think about. What if he does get sober, but then relapses. Is this going to give you the ok to drink? No, no it does not.
He will get you high or drunk, whatever, before you get him sober.
It’s going to be hard. Getting sober and him still drinking but you can do it! I’m in a relationship now, that my wife and I use to drink together. She still does, but I dont. She doesnt bring it around me and parties outside of the house. I take her and pick her up though. So think hard about what boudaries you need to put in place.
So now the question is, what do you need to do in order to stay sober? Worry about getting yourself sober before you try to get someone else sober ya know.
Hope this helps!
4 Likes
Be the good example, show him you can do it so he actually believes he will be able to do it. And be proud of yourselves for even trying!
2 Likes
Couldn’t agree more about focusing on your own sobriety. You really can’t change anyone. The best chance of changing others is changing yourself and showing an example. Even then, I believe it isn’t our job in earth to make everyone else sober, but absolutely be there to support people who make the decision to stop drinking.
3 Likes
Congratulations on making the decision to quit. So glad you posted. It was impossible for me to quit drinking without the help of others. I go to AA but I also read a lot on alcohol. This make mind was one of the books that helped to change my thinking on drinking. I got all my books from the library. I know you can do this. you can’t make your boyfriend quit but you can be a great role model for him. Please find a sober group of friends. Here or at meetings, you deserve the support.
1 Like
My advice is to manage your expectations. You may want to quit together, but if he doesn’t want to quit for himself, he can’t quit with you.
What you can do is set the example. Decide to be sober, and then be sober. Decide to be better, and then be better.
Keep getting better at getting better each and every day. Do this for you. Maybe he’ll see the new you, and what sobriety brings, and choose to get sober himself, and maybe he won’t.
The only expectation you can manage is the expectations you have of yourself. Only you can choose not to disappoint you.
Good luck. Welcome to the forum. I hope you stay.
1 Like