What do people do when they’ve told their SO what s/he needs for sobriety, yet the SO doesn’t help? I deal with this daily.
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I wish I had an answer to this question.
In my case, my ex fiance and I split up to get clean separately.
I’ve given my SO specific things to ask and tell to help drinking. He won’t do it, which i understand . Help!
Two thoughts pop in my head. 1 your recovery is yours not your SO’s to carry. 2 in early sobriety we usually have unrealistic expectations. Now I understand someone in your life has influence over thoughts. But it’s only your actions you can control. So if you are expecting things he is incapable of giving you, the next question you have to ask gets very serious very quick. Is this all fair and just? Maybe maybe not. But the truth is it’s our problem not theirs. So it’s us that has the work to do.
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This is a really hard situation because what you need is support to get healthy. I was in (what I thought) a relationship where both of us were pretty sure we’d get married (he was a smoker and functional alcoholic) and when my drinking got way out of control he wanted me to stop but wouldnt go to any meetings with me, kept drinking around me to excess (not just a couple of beers) and basically told me he wanted to be able to be in a relationship where he could go out and have a drink with his girlfriend (ironically drinking was more important to him than me ha). He was extremely selfish and showed his true colors. We obviously broke up. I’m now in a relationship with a man who upon learning of my illness went to IOP meetings for three hours sometimes with me, stopped drinking around me until I was comfortable with it, and let me cry about the dang situation when I needed to. Not sure what is right for everyone but had I stayed in the first relationship I shudder to think of what would have happened. Prayers and just keep at it.
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I’m seriously considering IOP, just not quite sure how to go about it. You all make valid points, and my sobriety is my job alone. I guess right now I’m just feeling very alone and like he doesn’t understand how fragile I feel.
I’m not sure what to tell you. I would not be able to do this if my husband weren’t doing it with me. I’ve asked him why he has decided to stop drinking too, and he said that I am more important to him than alcohol is. I know it’s your fight, not his, and that you will at some point need to be able to stay strong even if people around you are drinking. But I think in the beginning it is so important to have support from the people who supposedly care about you. If he flat out refuses to give you the support you need… you may need to consider whether being with him is helping or hurting your sobriety.
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It wasn’t until my fiance threw me out that I was able to get some clean time. Although we loved each other very much it just wasn’t going to work with my disease being active. I put her through a lot of shit so in return she wasn’t very understanding (nor should she have been). Sadly it took losing the love of my life to save my life. We have only spoken a handful of times over the last year and only once was it a civil conversation. Hopefully the next person I’m with can benefit from all the mistakes I made with her.
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Your sobriety is your job…but you do NOT have to do it alone, and in fact you can’t do it alone. One of the best things my counselor from IOP told me was to not be alone (I’m an introvert so this was a challenge), the “disease” wants you alone because that is when you are most vulnerable…she was a recovered alcoholic. Use every source available to you that you are comfortable with 
️ With IOP, do a little research on the groups available near you, ask your doctor maybe for a reference. I told my doctor about my drinking and she referred me to a great IOP program that was conducive with my work schedule. I went Monday-Thursday 6:00-9:00 for 30 days. It helps. Keep reaching out, you are on the right path 
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