Hi TS Community. I’m just gonna pour my heart out here a bit.
I’m 76 days sober from booze and pills. Thank God for that.
I am back in Australia and facing up to a lot of wreckage. I recently ended my relationship with now ex-partner as it was toxic and did not support my recovery. Having a person who is basically waiting for me to fail and the past back into my face is not helpful or loving. There were serious questions of teamwork as well, but my active addiction issues always become the narrative.
But more than that is the relationship with my kids. Only a handful of people that I know are of the delicate situation here. When I was in active addiction I said things to my kids that were hurtful. I created an environment where they felt unsafe. I feel horrible about all of this. My ex-wife is ostensibly trying to protect them and although there are no court orders in place (yet) my ability to see them and mend and repair is limited.
They want a relationship with me and I with them, but I’m still being judged or held to account for things past by their mom and others who believe I have mental health problems in addiction issues so I’m not safe. I feel well and I’m 76 days sober but it hurts alot to be in this situation and I never imagined in a million years I would find myself at a low point like this in life.
I’m waiting to hear back from her lawyer. I have contacted a new lawyer for help as I don’t know what to do. I can be reasonable and patient but I’m getting the run around. Getting stalled. I pray everyday over this. Has anyone else here been blocked from seeing their kids? If so, did it resolve for you…and how?
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The people on this forum know that 76 days is a big deal but the rest of the world likely does not agree. Those 76 days do not erase the damage that was done. You are most likely going to face some tough consequences for your years of being in active addiction. You need to prepare yourself to have less parenting time than you’d like. Best thing you can do is stay sober and show the court all the things you are doing to maintain sobriety. I strongly suggest therapy and AA. In a year or two of continuous sobriety you can go back to court to seek more time with your kids
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I understand consequences. My kids are 14 and 12 and very mature. They have more agency than younger kids would. They certainly have not written me off. There are plans for me to take them back to America this coming Christmas.
Am I just supposed to sit idly by and not make any effort to get back to them? They are the whole reason I am here. I am better now and desperate to make it all up to them. If I reach 100 days, that will be the longest time sober I’ve gone since 2001-2002.
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This is something the court would look at, and not positively.
By all means you should lawyer up and fight. But you also need to be prepared for an outcome that sucks. But when you go in to court you need to be prepared. It will not be enough to just be sober, the court is going to want to see that you are in some sort of ongoing treatment. AA and therapy are usually good bets. I’m sure there’s some differences between our legal systems but the universal standard for child custody/visitation is usually some form of best interest of the children. And although I don’t necessarily agree with this next statement it’s still pretty true for the courts, a parent with recent substance abuse issues is usually not the best suited parent for the best interest of the children. I know this is a hard pill to swallow but it’s something you really need to be prepared for
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But I’ve had them 50% of the time since 2017. My ex isn’t saying I’m unfit necessarily for drugs and alcohol but more on mental health grounds as I had a suicide attempt in early May. My kids don’t know about that.
My ex says that me having a relationship with my kids IS in their best interest. I am seeing my daughter tonight. I am talking more about resuming 50/50 living arrangements. I need to make a choice in the next 2-3 months about where I’ll be living. I want to live closer to them and have a place big enough to host them.
They love me and I’m a great dad. They (and their mom) know my true, authentic self. I’m compassionate and caring. Funny. But I feel horrible about all of this. Lonely, worried, regretful and grief.
I pray everyday. Several times a day. Am I just supposed to live a small life and hide away and wear my shame like a hairshirt and give up?
I know I can do this. I’m doing it now.
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