Not Sure Where To Turn

Life in Recovery
, ,
1

So I was on this app a looonnng time ago, and it’s what helped me stop drinking, and am around 5.5 years sober now, but there’s still another vice that’s destroying me.

I’ve gotten rid of a lot of vices in my life up to this point: Weed, alcohol, a brief stint with cocaine and cigarettes (a couple months), but there’s still one left and I really need help.

I’m done saying “that’s the last time”. I don’t give in anywhere near as much as I did years ago, only 1 time then go a few days, and give in another time. But I KNOW how gross, perverted, and I hate the way it makes my brain think about women and I can’t stand it anymore.

Every other time I’ve stopped, I started to feel better after a couple days, and then I’d relapse. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever gone a week without in the past 10 years, until 2 weeks ago.

I got 7 days, and then gave in and felt worse than ever. I binged with 4 days of giving in once a day, and now here I am 5 days free… And I’ve been the most anxious I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve had panic attacks, something I think I’ve only ever had maybe one time in 30 years, and it’s freaking me out.

I don’t know what to do, but I do know that it’s made it very clear, that THIS is definitely the end of this poison addiction.

I’m sorry to rant, I am just genuinely scared. I was never under the assumption that’d I’d just feel better immediately, especially with how long I’ve had this problem (15 years or so), but I’m just curious if anyone else has had these issues when stopping?

I don’t feel urges to give in at all, in fact the exact opposite. I just feel pure anxiousness, and it’s hard to eat, to be around people, and to even go outside lately. And again, every other time I’ve stopped, I’ve never felt like this. I almost feel like it’s my heart and brain just telling me that this is the final straw, and I just NEED to quit for good.

I’m just so lost & terrified, just looking for any advice, or any stories that other people have that might’ve helped them.

Sorry again for ranting

6 Likes
2

That level of anxiety makes total sense after years of rewiring your brain with constant dopamine hits. Your body’s panicking because it doesn’t have its usual escape route anymore, but that panic is actually progress. It’s the withdrawal your mind didn’t get to fully go through before because the cycle kept restarting.
You’ve already proven you can overcome hard stuff. This one’s trickier because it’s tied into shame and identity more than substances, but you’re not broken—you’re healing. Therapy (especially with someone who understands behavioral addiction), daily accountability (even just here), and self-compassion are huge tools.
And the fact that you’re asking for help when it feels this overwhelming? That’s real strength. You’re not alone, and you’re definitely not too far gone.

5 Likes
3

I really appreciate the response. You make very valid points, especially about it being harder. Especially considering it’s free, and everywhere nowadays.

Luckily, I don’t have any social media whatsoever, so I don’t see any unwanted images.

I also think you’re right about therapy. I’ve thought about it many times, but have never gone through with it. Even writing out on here what I’m going through made me feel a bit better, so I’m sure actually talking to someone about face to face would be beneficial.

I will definitely be checking in here everyday to maintain accountability, and maybe I will be able to even offer some wisdom to someone going through an alcohol addiction.

Thank you so much for the words, they’ve already made me see things differently.

3 Likes
4

Welcome @Stopping44 :waving_hand: :innocent:

You are not alone. There are dozens of people here on Talking Sober who are recovering from sex / lust / porn addictions. It is a serious problem.

For myself I started with group therapy at a clinic specializing in sex addiction recovery. That helped me to understand the problem better. I didn’t see actual recovery (changed mindset and behaviour) until I joined Sexaholics Anonymous and started actually working the steps in a systematic, daily way, under the guidance of a sponsor.

It is possible to be rid of this problem for good. It takes effort, just like swimming to shore takes effort, but it is worth the effort (just like swimming to shore is worth the effort, so you don’t drown out at sea after treading water for too long).

Take care and keep connected to recovery people daily. Keep an open mind and learn as much as you can. If you search “porn” and related terms here on Talking Sober you will find many posts.

2 Likes
5

Welcome to Talking Sober Taylor :waving_hand: :innocent:

1 Like
6

Thank you very much for the advice, I think I’ll definitely have to look into some groups in my area.

And yes, I have searched and found some threads that I’ve been reading through, and also bookmarked.

Set a reminder on my phone to come on here to do a daily check-in as well for some self accountability.

I got rid of alcohol from my life, so there’s no reason to let this addiction win anymore.

Thanks again Matt, I’m glad you’ve regained control of your life and overcame your hurdle.

3 Likes
7

196 hours down the drain. Longest I’ve gone in over 10 years, but I’m never giving up.

I’m getting right back up and I’m going to try twice as hard this time. I’m getting this out of my life one way or another. I know I can, and I know I WILL.

:enraged_face:

1 Like
8

Hey @Stopping44
That’s exactly the right spirit. Stay strong. :hugs:

1 Like
9

Thank you Madds, I appreciate it. I will stay strong. Stronger this time.

10

Be kind to yourself too okay? I know it’s easy to shame-spiral after a relapse but give yourself some grace. Addiction feeds on shame.

2 Likes
11

Great advice, thanks again, it’s really appreciated right now :folded_hands:t5:

1 Like