Everyone has a story about why they started, a trigger. Mine was 4 botched ankle surgeries me in never ending pain, with so much damage currently in the ankle they actually have no way to fix it. I was schedualed to get it amputated, hopefully that would provide some relief, but during this time of waiting I was one tour with my band and randomly one day my left arm flew out amd I punched my drummer right in the face. But these spasms kept happening and I ended up in the hospital after spening a night after a show throwing blood up. After years of drs back and forth, turns out all the ankle issues, everything thats happened relates back to a super rare genetic disorder called essential myclonus, couple that with a foot so damaged it doesn’t work and the pain is endless. Recently i was diagonaed with complex responsive pain syndrome. Its a long explenation just google it.
Shit happens, we all have stuff to bear.
I worked hard to become a touring musician where that was my living, I achieved my dream. Covid ripped it away. Touring as we know it is done.
I do not have the ability to work a normal job, I’m high (marijuana) all the time to mask the pain, to have some semblance of a life. But disability doesn’t pay near enough, and I’m forced to sell my life through no fault of my own. So i took a job making cash under the table. At a pizza place which means I’m on my feet constantly, which is immense pain.
I don’t feel like I deserve to be in pain, that’s my excuse. So i get some coke. Never more than half a gram at a time, without buff its less fhan a 1/3rd of a gram. I won’t take percs, oxy, none of that. I can handle my coke and M, no one ever knows when i am on a trip. So being rippes on coke at work isn’t a concern. I can carry on with cops after downing a full gram, its not a proud thing. Its just a thing. I have no problems not doing coke when not at work. But the moment i am on my feet, I’m doing rails. Even if I don’t hurt, i want to make sure I don’t hurt.
This sounds weird, but my issue isn’t the coke.
Its the fear of the pain coming back and not knowing how to deal with it.
I’m scared. And all i want to do is quit coke as a pain killer. Because the pain always wins in the end, i would rather not speed up the process.
I’ve never spoken to anyone about this, its taken me a long time to figure out what scares me. And i don’t have anyone around me I can ask for help.
Hello There Carson, Welcome to the forum.
Your was the first message in my morning routine of TS after a night of being awakish from pain and having nightmares of myself actually, fleeing from the pain.
I a so sorry for your situation and it is good you reach out. Firt. You are not alone. I suffer from a neurological pain condition which I tried to escape from in so many ways. A relapse year in 2020 did not do me good. it numbs but in the end…
Nobody deserves to be in pain. But you are, we are. It is horror realy, I can feel you. And it makes lonely because it is so hard to explain.
But firing up the system with drugs / alcohol or even pain killers will in the end make it worse and make you unable to cope with it in any way. Once you get sober long enough and the feelings come back the only thing I could do then is run from it or fight it, until I could not anymore and just cave in then because I deserve it. Its a rode with no return.
I read a bit about your condition, less nerve related then I have but nevertheless the pain communication is between the nervous system and the brain. For us it is out of control. The central nervous system in the spine is on full speed ahead and does not filter anything anymore so the brain gets overwhelmed. With that come all the feelings. For me it is mostly anxiety that is literally induced by the body, but when not mindfull of it I do not see how the body then influences my thought. leading me to just react to those feelings without knowing why I am scared.
I think you are kinda new to this other ways of looking at your pain so this information might be to much or way over your head. but I am more than willing to chat or share information.
First, But you know that. Getting sober is the start, nothing can be achieved once you are not.
Sober you can endure it just as much as you do now. It might take time to realise coke is the issue. It is a solution, but a poor one, even though the best solution you can come up with now.
then, maybe check out, (sounds weird in combination with sober and I absolutely do not want to promote this on the forum) Maybe you can take a look at using mariuana in thc oil or thee. I was never a smoker but I experience that when I smoke it my head gets more all over the place and into anxiety. when I take a few drops for the night to sleep, I feel it mostly working in my body…
Thank you for the response. i do use marijuana for the pain, about 3 grams a day. Doesn’t help much, but its better than nothing. Meditation, mindefulness, the breathing, the tricking your body to not feel the pain. None of it has worked. I’ve realIzed the pain will always win in the end, I’d just rather it not be sooner than later. It is hard to quaitify chronic pain, escpecially with what I have been diagnoased with. You wake up every day and would rather kill yourself then get out of bed to get breakfast. But you do, because you have too, so right now I’m enjoying life, one day I won’t. I’ve already been told I’ll die young, such is life. Would rather not get their quicker, so gotta drop the coke, but meditation, etc doesn’t work when your body spasms uncontrolably when in a relaxed state. So the only way to kick it and beat the pain is mentally. And that shits tough.