I’m on my first REAL attempt at getting sober and it’s been a little over two weeks for me. I’ve done one counselling session and been to my first AA meeting. This is bringing back a lot of memories for me that are more painful than I realized and things I feel most other people don’t understand. I started drinking young, like 13 or 14. My parents were both heavy drinkers and alcohol was easy to find in the house. My parents stayed together, never divorced, both had good jobs, we had a nice house in a good neighbourhood and we always had food on the table. BUT my two siblings both had a lot of problems. One was a chronic runaway who dropped out of school and the other had pretty severe learning disabilities and behavioural issues. I remember my parents being up to their eyeballs in stress constantly. They told me as an adolescent “as long as you stay in school, you can do whatever you want.” This sounds kind of awesome when you’re 12 or 13, I was always the kid who never had a curfew and could go anywhere. But also, they had no time for me. They were emotionally completely unavailable to the point that if I ever went to them with a problem, they would get mad at me, sometimes even yell at me that they didn’t have time for my problems and deal with it myself. I remember feeling my home life was just absolute chaos, everyone fighting constantly. My one sibling would chronically steal from me, I got a job at 14 so I didn’t have to ask my parents for any money, and my one sibling would just constantly take any cash they could find. Sometimes large amounts. There was a lot of physical fighting too, with no repercussions or discipline. I remember when I was I think 10 or 11 years old, I went through a phase where I didn’t shower or even change my clothes for weeks on end. I would sleep in my clothes, then just wear them to school, over and over and over. I got made fun of for smelling bad. Looking back, I think that was depression, but I didn’t have the words to explain it to anyone at the time. You know that feeling when you’re just so angry and frustrated that you want to scream at the top of your lungs, and smash everything in sight? I felt that way a lot, but knew if I screamed or acted out, it would add to my parents stress, so I kept pushing it down. The first time I got drunk in my room, it was this instant calm over me, like I had found a way to blow off all that steam without even making a sound. I got drunk in my room a lot through my teens and my mom would sometimes tell me “I took those empty bottles out of your room and put them in the recycling for you” like it was her way of letting me know that she knew. But there were never any repercussions, no rules, no boundaries. I abused other substances too, and sometimes I intentionally cut myself with a razor, because that also gave me an instant release from the anger and frustration. But alcohol was always my preference. I think the worst thing about this is that in a way I feel I was brainwashed to never bother other people with my problems. Other people always have it worse than me, don’t burden people when they have their own stuff, deal with it yourself. That’s the message that was really implanted in my mind from such a young age, and that’s what’s made it so difficult to even say “I’m an alcoholic” and to ask for help. I tried to deal with it myself, my own way, without bothering anyone else, over and over, but I always failed. I’m now in my 40s and dealing with these issues and finding support for the first time. My parents are both passed away now, and I loved them despite these issues. They really were doing the best they knew how and had a difficult time. I tried to let go of my anger and resentment as they aged and I thought I had, but as I’m getting sober and really taking it seriously with counselling and meetings, I’m finding these memories coming up a lot, and it makes me angry and sad. I’m not really sure what to do with these feelings especially now that I’m not just drowning them with booze. I’m open to any thoughts or suggestions, but mostly I just needed to type that out.
Nobody understands better than other alkies in recovery. The circumstances are different, by I wound up in the same place, with that raging anger that I was so afraid to express and that alcohol released for me.
You can recover, Laura, it is possible. It happened for me, a pretty low bottom drunk, and it can happen for you. You’ll hear this in AA, stay honest, keep an open mind to suggestions, and be willing to try the suggestions (both in AA and here in Talking Sober).
Welcome to our corner of the world. I am pleased you showed up! Blessings on your house 
as you begin your journey.
I have had a similar experience that old painful memories have been coming up more since I’ve stopped drinking. For me it has mostly come in the form of dreams and I’ve found them difficult to deal with. It brings up a lot of emotions I have pushed down for some time now or ignored. I have found it helpful to talk about these memories with a trusted friend or write about them and burn it. I grew up in an orphanage with a lot of abuse. The house mom would give vodka to us kids if we were upset or too ‘emotional’ so I learned from a young age that alcohol dulls emotion but that it also puts me in a vulnerable position. As an adult I would binge drink during set times but would never drink infront of people…often it was to sleep without dreams but also to dull my emotional distress. Years ago I was able to do counseling for PTSD and did EMDR which really helped with flashbacks and other symptoms but now the memories have seemed to hot me harder again after being now a month sober. I am hoping that with sobriety and work these will become less. Keep on this group it is still new to me but it has been very helpful and I’ve found a lot of good advice in this community. It is people who understand and give support. Hope you also can feel this here.
Welcome, @Laura4 . Congratulations on two weeks. I’m glad you are here and sharing your story. I too grew up in a house of chaos, it’s a familiar theme here. Not to downplay anything you went through. You have the courage to face these memories and the power to take control of your life to be the best person you can be. One day at a time, with kindness and grace. 
Thank you so much for your response.