It’s insane. I’m a 33 year old man, have been drinking on and off since I was around 20 years old, around that time it was pretty much everyday , 1 bottle to lead to another and another, resulting to 3 bottles of coganc/whisky with 3 friends or so. This will go hand in hand with cigarettes too. Luckily, I’ve got a great girlfriend whom doesn’t drink and now is my wife. Since 20years old I’ve stopped and started a few times but it got to the point that I started doing cocaine with alcohol maybe at 26 years old. That was the worst mistake of my life. My wife only came to find out about this a couple of years into our marriage, not my proudest moment but helped her understand why I would be out all night sometimes.
Lockdown really helped to refresh and actually remember how life is precious. I was sober a year and a half. Until I went out once and thought it was OK to drink that night and it will not be an issue. It was, I binge drank again but no drugs, mainly because I couldn’t get any around there I bet. Then boom, I was back at it, monthly drink and coke. It gets to the point that I know its bad but I feel deep down I don’t really believe that it’s THAT bad and actually enjoy it. When actually in real, I don’t think I want to do it. It’s painful and I want to stop for a better future but I think since my subconscious doesn’t really believe I want to do it this is going to be really hard for me, mentally and emotionally especially because I have a great wife who is way too understanding and helps so much but she knows it’s all up to me after all. It kills me seeing her upset when I feel I can control it but when I slip I feel this might happen again next month. It just creeps up.
I deleted numbers of dealers yet somehow I find a dealer, the other day I couldn’t get and a random guy was nearby selling it. I know the trigger is alcohol, my dad used to drink heavy and would do it once in a while now too, his dad was too, but they will drink daily for months and stop I’m not like that, I’ll do it once a month or 2-3 times a month if its bad. But this is still an addiction. I feel so awful, I’m a happy jolly guy who most people like and now because of all this my poor wife is hurting, because of my health and how she can’t really trust me, if she goes out I’d feel like to go and get a drink, one drink will lead to 3 then will call dealers… I’ve never written on this before but I see some great stories and thought I’d start again here and see how I get on. Thank you for listening. All the best to everyone, alcohol is a drug and a gateway to bad decisions.
My friend, it isn’t the quantity or frequency of drinking that makes us alcoholic. It’s what alcohol does to our soul and the loss of control. Even if we achieve a period of sobriety, once we go back to it, we quickly pick up where we left off, and it gets worse over time. I was a daily drinker, drank in the morning, had withdrawal shakes and other symptoms, multiple arrests, job loss, blah blah blah. You and I have the same problem because we each have a hole in our soul we try to fill with booze and bad behavior.
The good news is, there is something can be done about it. I’m an AA guy, that’s how I got and stay sober. It’s a highly effective program that has helped millions of folks get and stay sober. But it’s not the only way, there are others. Take a look at this thread for ideas. Blessings on your house 
as you begin your journey.
Thank you for sharing abit about ur addiction and ur story. If ive learned anything in all the meetings and treatments that ive been to, its that the disease of addiction centers in our minds. Meaning our minds will LIE to us about our addiction. It will tell me that im cured and can safely use drugs and drink (i had 3 years clean once before my relapse), it will tell me that i can have one (its NEVER just one), that it will be different this time (when we KNOW that it wont be), or that I need it to cope (which os DEFINITELY a lie). A few days will go by and I will literally forget how bad it was and why I wanted to quit in the 1st place. These are lies that our addictive mind tells us to bring us down. When i quit i had to be able to determine what was a lie and what wasnt. And i can sense that ur experiencing that now. The inner conflict. Once we can tell what it a lie and what isnt, we can do something about it. I wrote out my reasons why i quit. When i start wanting to use or drink, I read this paper and i play the tape to the end. Remembering how bad it was. I tell my addictive thinking to “F off” (literally i say it out loud lol). I make plans for events. My triggers were paydays, having money, certain phone calls, stress, intense emotion, etc. Make plans so that ur not scrambling on what to do when they happen. For example: running into a dealer. What can u do to either reduce the chances of seeing one or what would u say to end the conversation. My dealer used to call me and my hubby up asking how we were (like he cared lol) and to let us know that hes around if we needed anything. Initally, when we first quit, we said we are taking a break (even tho it was a plan for long term recovery. Thinking back we shouldve just said we quit). Now if he calls from random numbers (which is rare, we tell him that we quit for good). U can tell those people “not today” or anything that u feel would work for u but its soo important to have plans of action for the events that trigger u. When we dont have direction, we can find ourselves in bad places. Anyway, im glad ur here! Im rambling at this point haha keep posting and make sure u come on here 1st before u pick up. Let us help u thru it and keep that recovery timer going!
Absolute legends @Butterflymoonwoman @SinceIAwoke, thank you very much for the support here. It does help knowing people that have gone through similar things and coped with it their way and yes I REALLY need to know that the mind is playing games and controlling me over these lies. You’re completely right it is never just the one, I’ll remember what you said and that it is actually never just the one and leaving it as that. None of these substance things are real just fake to keep us happy for a tiny moment. I like how you say we have a hole in our soul where we are trying to fill it with these stuff. I will most definitely come here before even drinking. For me alcohol is terrible which leads to cocaine. I don’t want it, it is the worst. I’ve been to AA before I personally didn’t find it useful but happy to hear it’s helping you @SinceIAwoke. I feel I’m strong and can turn the switch off, just need to maintain because there has been people out there that say oh you’re not an addict, it’s not everyday but no it is an addiction and I can assure you it is a poison. When people say those things the addiction mind/thoughts comes back and is like oh it can’t be that bad then but actually it is but those thoughts take over. I just really need to be strong, I sometimes think I would be better off without a phone, bank cards which are also triggering… It’s not easy but I’ll get there with talking to you guys and all.
Thank you for sharing your experiences.
I’m glad you’re here and you’re making the right decision to stop.
You might say it’s not THAT bad (it’s a matter of opinion) but addiction goes only in one direction. Downwards.
Exactly, the silly thoughts try to get at me. It is very bad. Thank you so much Badger!
After reading your story now im frightned that if i made it through (im on my 6th day) this long years might have a bad day for me that triggers me to use drug again
Honestly, you’re doing the hard part. I’m currently almost a whole year sober, not touched anything and I am somewhat afraid of it too which is great. I have full control over my health and body. Trust me it’s worth holding out and you’ll thank yourself for it later. Follow the process, take every day as it comes and ride it. You’ve got this! It’s a journey! Take care