Don’t even really know what to say except that I felt like saying something, to somebody. I suppose. It’s hard to deal with loneliness, I don’t know if I AM lonely. This has happened before, just an example: I’m sitting at the airport, alone obviously because that’s how I roll. And I see people, traveling with friends or family, or they’re on their phone, talking or texting somebody. Smiling, laughing what have you. And it makes me wish I had somebody to send a text to you know? Like, hey I’ll check in with one of my friends then I realize, oh yeah I have none. All the numbers in my phone are former coworkers who I was never friends with but happened to need their number once to ask a question. I know people, but I’m not friends with anybody. Like coworkers, are either older with kids and family, or they’re young 18 or 20 year old kids. Nothing in common.
I can laugh at this sometimes, in a way I sort of romanticize being the loner, and there is definitely a time and place for lonely contemplation and I enjoy it quite a bit sometimes. But sometimes, seldom, but still, I sort of wish I could share moments with people. I’m really good at striking up conversations with strangers I never see again. The thing is though, I don’t necessarily want to become best friends with anyone. I don’t… I hate to say I don’t like people, I definitely don’t trust people though. I used to like keeping it brief and shallow and at arms length. I don’t know if that’s a defense mechanism, because I don’t know if I care enough to have one. So why am I like that? I’m not really looking for advice on making friends. I’m just conflicted. I don’t know if I want friends or if I’d rather stay at a distance. I say that and it makes it sound like I’ve been hurt by someone, but not really. I mean I’ve had acquaintances say things behind my back but I knew that was likely to happen anyway so I wasn’t really hurt by it. I shrug that kind of thing off. Or at least I THINK I do, I’ve never cried or dwelt on it…
Jesus I sound like a sociopath I guess. I’m just wondering if I’m broken lol. If I don’t care much to be close to people, how come I get that melancholy “gee wish I had somebody to talk to” kind of mood sometimes? Do I care more than I THINK I do, and if I’m aware that might be possible, shouldn’t I be able to figure that out myself?
Idk sorry for the 4am rambling. I AM sober though, still haven’t had one single drink. But earlier tonight I really wanted one boy. Bad.
Nothing wrong with reaching out to everyone here I am new to this platform and to sobriety only day 3 for me ! But I have found everyone here super supportive. If you ask anyone in my life they will tell you I am a major introvert I know alot of people but I have valued my solitude for most of it. I have traveled to different countries on my own so I am all to familiar with the solo airport trips lol be proud of yourself for not having that drink. When I did move provinces (I’m in Canada). I was able to find groups online for people looking for common activities to do and in certain age groups may be a option for you but for now I’m sure others would agree your not alone on here
About caring more than you think - check back on your earlier post:
Developing any kind of meaningful relationship involves giving up some control.
About figuring it out: it could be a lot of things, psychological or addiction related, but it’s tough to know now because you’re still so early in your recovery.
One place to make friends is a recovery group. Try one! I made good friends in mine. There’s a list here:
Don’t worry about what “may” happen in the future if you get hurt then move on but don’t let the opportunity bypass you to get close to someone because one person may change your life whether it’s a friend or a partner but let nature take its path be yourself and come out your comfort zone and give it a try you will feel better for attempting your fear of letting someone in.
We are are on this planet together we are never alone as lonely as you may feel there is always someone to talk to.
You are clearly torn between the desire to be close to another person on the one side and the wish to remain independent and aloof on the other.
It’s a very human and basic conflict we all have to some degree or another, I belief.
I say though, by not making changes in your life but remaining exactly where you are, which is a loner who contemplates whether or not he is lonely and if he even should be feeling this and if he should maybe change something or not, by remaining this stuck in a contemplative circle and completely away from others, you will not actually ever live out or solve this conflict.
To go through and get answers to your questions you need other ppl. To some degree. You won’t get lost in someone else or attract a needy, dependent person straight away. Just allow yourself to learn and come out from under your rock a little bit there.
So, I vote: yes, strike out and make some human contact. Doesn’t need to be a new live-in bestie.
Good morning . I agree with what you’re saying. I’m lonely too. The people I know are all toxic to me. They weren’t good for my wellbeing and now my sobriety . Besides- when I have gotten friendships they ended hurting me and that made me reluctant to meet anyone - it’s a dread to me to have to start all over again and grow with someone else. My self-esteem was very low. I allowed deceitful people in my life thinking they would never fool me. I love myself today and ironically that’s why I won’t befriend anyone . I’m glad you’re sober today . I’m a chronic relapsed,- ill get a few days clean and some resentment or selfishness will rear its ugly head and off go my poor choices. I keep up with recovery behavior in my iwn- no sponsor and that’s probably what’s wrong . I’ve gone a long way with learning to be my own friend. It’s not so bad. Feel free to chat or greet me, have a wonderful day:wave:t4:
i can understand being lonely as i live alone not even a year yet, its been a brand new beast to tackle with lots of stuff I didn’t expect to be as they are…
I can also relate about how everybody is in their own life these days, most ppl have kids or a spouse, or they’ve moved, ive drifted away from a lot of peeps over the years…
I dont know what to tell ya to do!
You can always go on this site and talk.
Other then that, lots of hobbies to wrap urself up in.
For me, its a matter of not having very much trust in other people, that makes it hard for me to want to get close to others though i do give people a chance if i feel i can trust them.
Yeah coming here is good when I want to get something out, it helped, and I did get about 4 hours of sleep (damn dogs didn’t want me to get any more) which changed my mood. It’s just that occasional “wish I sort of had someone to chat with” thing that gets to me at times.
Like I said I don’t really trust people but thinking on it today, my last few friends were incredibly needy. Don’t get me wrong I understand everyone is needy sometimes and I don’t begrudge that. I care about people but it really drains me and I think I keep people at a distance for that reason more than anything.
I don’t know, I’m fine where I am right now, it’s just an occasional little pang of loneliness that I overthink sometimes.
I suppose that’s part of it, Matt. I still don’t like giving up control. I was thinking a little more about it this morning and part of me doesn’t want to be very close to people because, I don’t want them to be a drain on me (or vise versa) and I don’t want to be responsible for their wellness I guess. I was wondering why I’m so distant and reluctant to be open, since like I said I’ve never really been “hurt” by anyone. But I’ve had friends that were emotional vampires, that once I let them close to me they tried to rely on me for everything. I’d forgotten about that and how I felt then. It was exhausting and hampered my own well-being. I WANT to help people and be supportive, but I’ve had a hard time saying no in the past.
I think that’s why I developed that emotional distance armor. I love people, but I’d forgotten how worn down those (and 1 in particular) people made me. Maybe that’s selfish In a way. I don’t really know how to be flexible with boundaries. I really hadnt thought about it in a couple years, but it was a real struggle for a while letting some people use me. Thank you though for your reply. I’m glad I can come here to talk at least.
Of course! That’s the nice thing about Talking Sober. It’s a great place for exploring this stuff
There’s the core right there. In addiction, all our boundaries dissolve. (For many of us, who started our addictions young, we never had any real boundaries; and even people whose addictions started later may have struggled with them in the past.)
In addiction, we let chaos and disorder into our life and think of it as normal. We think we can “have our cake and eat it too” with all the getting drunk or high or whatever, and still be “functional” (Ha! Nope. It’s an illusion.). We think we can live without healthy food or habits or relationships (all of which are required for all humans; including healthy relationships; we can be big-group people or small-group / one on one people, but we all need healthy relationships).
All those things require conscious, healthy boundaries.
Boundaries are like the bark of a tree: they protect us while still being flexible / responsive enough to grow / expand when we need to grow, and repair when we need to repair.
Boundaries take time to practice. This is one of the reasons why people say, don’t do anything big in your first year of real sobriety. Just focus on your healthy routine, your healthy program, and learn. The rest comes later
