I dumped every last bit of alcohol i had on my property. Including my husbands. I opened the bottle of wine and was just thinking take one last big sip . I didnt do it but i wanted to and that alone makes me feel depressed . I dont want to have this issue . I have had so many things happen to me i need something to be positive and easy for me . I cant shake my guilt of all the crap i have done while drinking and around my kids . Im so sad i do this to them i hope i havent caused my oldest who will be 10 next month to become prone to my behavior. I would rather die than to have one of my children battle a alcohol and/or drug addiction I just want to not care about alcohol . I dont want to want it . Im tired of living this way . Always a battle for me to get through and its exhausting.
Welcome to the community K - this is a great supportive group of fellow addicts who understand the addiction struggles and can offer advice, support in a non judgmental way.
WOW - thatâs a big step in dumping it all out. You have the want to be sober and now have made it harder to gain access to your DOC. Make sure to be gentle with yourself. I know the shit feelings that lead you to sobriety are great in getting to this step but do cause harm to you in recovery. You are making changes and creating a healthy positive lifestyle for yourself and your family â it all starts from Day 1.
It is exhausting and a hard road but it is possible. The rewards of sobriety are also amazing. We canât look at it as a forever task but deal with it as one day at a time. You will not drink today and tomorrow we will work on tomorrow. Have faith in yourself and surround yourself with support if possible (via family, meetings, sponsor, recovery groups, this site). We are not able to battle this demon alone.
Make sure to get plenty of water (keep hydrated) and rest if possible (i know i slept a lot during the first stages of my recovery).
We are here for you - wishing you loads of strength and selflove on your journey. 
Well done keep us up to date on your journey wish you well
Thank you ! Working on today and only today . Its friday so im preparing myself to keep focused and busy . I just keep saying i dont want to feel like shit anymore over and over
Remember. NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES! Youâre doing great, take it steady we are with you every step of the way 
'I just want to not care about alcohol . I dont want to want it . Im tired of living this way. â
Hi,
Your post really resonated with me, thatâs exactly how I felt, I was tired of it. I read all the quit lit I could but the 2 that changed my outlook and in turn my life were Allan Carr - Stop Drinking (or something very similar) and Annie Grace - This Naked Mind.
Give them a try, they might change your mind too.
Good luck on your journey 
I feel you.
Maybe not what you want to hear but I have finally achieved not having to obsess over alcohol through AA.
Welcome to a really amazing place 
I think many of us can relate to the feelings youre talking about, and I hope you find yourself a little community in us folks I just joined here a few months ago, and find (with a few other changes in my life) this place has been a real saving grace for me. You guys are always in my pocket, and when Im struggling, feeling good or jist want to check in and read around - each day for a little bit I find it really helps.
We havd all been in that place of not wanting to want it and somehow doing it anyway. Yet so many people here have great stories of how they finally put it down and it makes everything in life so much easier. I just cant think of one good thing alcohol was doing for me, and in fact it wanted to pull me ib the opposite direction. In due time, youâll come to a fewling of realizing âholy crap! I dont want it anymore and in fact dont even think of itâ. Itâll happen. Just keep it 1 day at a time; and if something in your life needs work or adjusting, hell give it a shot you never know what can come of it.
I wish you so mcuh luck, love and compassionâŚand if you see me around I am the one with all the typos xo.
I really appreciate all the support this group gives me . Today i really felt how much alcohol has not taken me over emotionally and mentally but holy shit physically its unreal . I have had a head ache all day , jittery , anxiety , no appetite, scattered brained , Nauseated , edgy . I havent had alcohol since weds afternoon . Im reacting this bad from not having alcohol ? My goodness what have i done to myself . Sleeping is difficult too . How horrible . Need to get this shit over with .
And it will get better with time! You got this & weâre all here rooting for you xo
When the physical discomfort and mental unease start to lift, donât fall prey to the thinking that maybe it wasnât that bad and you could handle it. Or the thinking I had around day 2-3, that âI feel better now, I really do, and I bet just a little bit of alcohol will really have a great kick after my âdetoxâ time!â.
The sickness is as much in our minds as our bodies.
I already am thinking like that . I originally wanted to just stop drinking during the week and if i chose to one day on the weekend have a couple . Im thinking ok well i made it to three days like i wanted i can have a glass of wine it is the weekend . I know im just kidding myself . I need a long break from alcohol. I know i need to stay away completely. But the thought of that seems unrealistic . Im just shooting for my small goals . Tomorrow im hoping to feel a little better than today and keep going . Its been 3 years ( since i lost my daughter at 4 months old to SIDS ) I basically have been drinking almost everyday since . Im used to it and i hate it . It doesnt have the same affects as it once did . Id be light hearted and fun just good company ! Not sloppy and mean with black outs . Ive taken it to the extreme . Im going to do my everything i can to give myself a nice break from alcohol. Im hoping i will see how amazing i feel and just not be interested in drinking like that anymore . 
KVR289,
I think part of the feeling we have ofâŚcome on just oneâŚor i can modersate isnt just addiction its that part of you thats in there that has used drinking to cope for so long. Im trying not to hate or be disgusted with having this drinking part, but understanding shes just trying to help me cope best she can. She is hurt, scared and doesnt think i can handle this big pain.
I am deeply sorry for the loss of your daughter. This is one of the deepest loses, and to something sudden like SIDS would be very traumatic. My heart is with you. I too losy my daughter 4 yrs ago, when she was 2 weeks old. Though the time in the hospital was perhaps traumatizing in different ways, i do understand the grace of havinf her final days with her and seeing the effort and care that went in to trying to save her. I am sorry if this is too much to share, I just know it can feel lonely at times losing a child. You are not alone. Sending you love & tenderness on your journey. My heart is with you & the memory of your little one. Xo.
Thank you so much for your words. I absolutely use alcohol as a coping mechanism. I found at a young age drinking makes me "feel better , calmer , ready to take the world on " its not the case . Im so sorry we have such a traumatic situation in common. Since then i really have spiraled. I look in the mirror and hate what i see . I want to enjoy being alive . I want to live and not just exist. One more day of learning i can get there . One more night i wont wake up with a hangover and wake up late to get my kid to school . I want to be present for my boys . So im doing my damnedest to keep going .
I believe in you & I know its hard to put down the thing we feel is helping us. Youre there where you know it is not, and your path now will bring you healing (oh fuck it does hurt like hell sometimes, but somehow it does workâŚ). I have a real fa8th in being sober and how much it can change a life becauze I was sober for 10 yrs btw 20-30, and so i know how much good will come of it. I know for some people that first hand kbiwledge isnt necessarily there, so i just want to share with you that it will get better, it does get better and weâll look back in not too long and see how far we have come. Its ABSOLUTELY possible, and it isnt always easy but hey for me dribking wasnt easy either!!! It was actually really fucking hard. People call it the easy way and I dont thibk its true. Drinking is hard af. Its exhausting, draining and emotionally flattening. Lets take the easy road out together. We got this.
If you ever want to talk about the loss of your little one, i am here. A shoulder, a vent, anything. I kbow it can be isolating and sometimes its nice to just talk to someone who gets it. Anytime if you want & no pressyre of course. You & your family are in my thoughts. Xo.
Edit: i am also the queen of typos. I am not drubk typing i am just a horrible phone typer & dont care enough to fix my mistakes
Havent had a drink at all ! Keeping it going 
cant believe 5 days . So small but alot for me since i drank every other day or every day
Well done!! Proud of you!
This is awesome!!! Not a small feat at all! Should be super proud of yourself 
Keep stacking up the days