One step, one breath, one day at a time

Life in Recovery
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I often feel I am too much for everyone around me. It’s been such a prominent part of my life where people told me I’m too much. Too complex. Too happy. Too sad. Too angry. Irrational and dysfunctional.

I need a place to just be unapologetically myself. ironically the one platform I discarded years ago for being too much attention-seeky has become the one where I feel at home nowadays.

Because of TikTok I found a purpose to speak my mind in. I want to show people the good and the bad. The unfiltered borderliner experience and so far it’s been really freeing.

This platform. Talking sober. Is another way to share my struggles with peers. Addiction is a terrifying time and a dark place but the people here make it worth it to fight for who I am and to not be ashamed of the people I was. I fought the devil several times and I live to tell. I survived 100% of my darkest days so now I don’t flee from the struggle. I will forcefully stand face to face with my demons and I’ll win again and again.

I want to bleed my emotions. I want to break the bottles they are trapped in. Right here, like this, right now, I am enough. And you are too. So don’t give up, okay? We’ll do this together. No matter what or who our devotion is to. We are all peers in the same storyline. We are worthy of love and life.

Life’s not fair and temptation will always be there but even if we cannot kill the parasite that is our inner critic, we can cripple it enough to not succumb anymore. Together. One Day At A Time. We might mess up but really? Who doesn’t? Even the best of the best professionals of anything fell down sometimes. Scream so loud your skeleton feels it, if need be. You are not a burden.

I lose control more often than I’d like to admit but I, too, am loveable and worthy. With all my cracks, holes, splinters, and inner monsters, I am still human and every human deserves decency and respect. Our battles are some of the worst to overcome but I believe in us. Hell ends here. I’ll pave the path for those that need it and welcome everyone who just wants company on their own journey. Sympathy, company and comradery, we don’t need to have the same family tree to stand as brothers and sister.

One Day At A Time. You and I together.

Feel free to use this topic to say anything you want, just like I do. It is free for all. A safe space within a safe space, if you will.

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Thank you for sharing, your words are truth and I appreciate that. It sounds like you are in a good place, loving yourself and fighting against your addiction. It is okay for you to be “too much” because it is so important to be who you are. How awesome it is to be free and realize it is one day at a time. This journey is a wild ride but so worth it. Keep posting because your writing is encourging and can you can help others.

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My words are honestly more positive sounding than I actually feel but that is also to trick my brain into being fed serotonin on blahh days. As well as to remind not just other people but myself that everyone and everything matters even if we don’t feel that way.

I do however mean every word about fighting the struggle. I’m still here and don’t plan on leaving soon so I’ll fight my demons and let karma fix the rest for me because otherwise I might have to go to jail //jk//. But yeah. I mean it peers are an important part in the journey of who we are and who we want to become, so standing together in the same storyline rather than scattered and alone is of great value to me.

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Very beautifully said! :heart::heart:

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Thank you so much!

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Hey @SupermassiveDarkStar I really appreciate the honesty. I relate to a few of the struggles you’ve mentioned, including sh, addiction, and unaliving struggles. I wont invalidate your experience by saying that I can understand, but I think it’s very brave of you to speak your truth, and your progression and insight show immeasurable strength, though I wish for your sake that you hadn’t needed it. Stay strong. We’re here for you. I’m happy that you can see that you enrich the world and are needed.

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I appreciate your insight and validation. It’s good to know my thoughts are reaching those that need and/or want to hear it. I am sorry you know the same struggles besides addiction that I do. You are a wonderful person, showing you care for a complete stranger and being kind and loving in the process rather than judging based on someone’s past. I feel honored to be part of this community. :sparkling_heart:

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It was one of those days where my body couldn’t do anything so I slept most of it. It’s 1:20am now, though, and I still feel tired but my brain is actively creating a storm. I am not fond of these days because they can ruin entire periods by switching my sleep schedule and, with that, all the appointments I have set for my mental and physical health.

I know where it comes from, though. This past week was a big pile of shit to get through and yesterday and today my body and mind just quit working properly so they could process everything while I was bed ridden.

I’m trying not to be angry at myself. Maybe it’s partially my fault for letting everything happen but a lot of problems came along even when I had set boundaries, so I don’t know. All I know is that I am in an identity crisis at the moment and at 1:20am that is not fun to deal with. :melting_face:

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Mental breakdown are usually called Menty Bs by me to take off the weight of them but today the weight has been so heavy that I couldn’t carry anything and I stayed in bed all day to make myself feel safe and keep myself somewhat rational.

I’m feeling all kinds of things and none of them are good. I spoke to my 2 therapists today and they were both like “well we can’t help you” making me feel like a burden and a hopeless case.

I wish there was a sort of AA for people with mental illness because I absolutely despise the professional world of mental health. Either way I’ve tried to be somewhat stable in the way I knew without hurting myself too much. Sleeping. My night will be hell, now. But I rather have a sleep less night than a day with endless Menty Bs.

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Hi @SupermassiveDarkStar i am so sorry for your struggles. It’s awful that your therapists told you they couldn’t help. I am certainly not a mental health professional but I am a part of this group of people here who are all reaching out to you, to say we are here for you. If only to listen and respond by letting you know that each of us cares for you and empathizes with your situation.

My best, Len

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I appreciate you took the time to make me feel seen. I’m fairly sensitive when it comes to rejection so to have someone in my corner, even if from a distance, it means a lot to me :white_heart:

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Hey @SupermassiveDarkStar I’m so sorry today is feeling so heavy. I know it doesn’t change or really help anything but I see you, validate where you’re at, and I’m here for you.

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I appreciate you, too, took the time to make me feel better. It’s nice to know people do Care when it seems the world is against you. :white_heart:

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Im glad your here. I see you.
Hope you feel better. Your numbers on all your counters are something to be proud of.

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Thank you so much for the reassurance :white_heart: I feel blessed by all of you :blush:

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Sending well wishes and hoping you’re doing alright @SupermassiveDarkStar

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@Madds thank you for checking in with me. My dignity has quite a bruise so internet was not really a priority for me.

As for how things in general went. My health care professionals are officially renamed to health care clowns because they decided to stop 3 major medicine of mine cold turkey, basically giving me the medical finger and leaving me in despair.

I am safe now. On Monday I will see if I can go to court for endangerment of a critical patiënt but for now I’m okay and I’m resting.

The one thing it did do is put things into perspective. I lost the will to fight for my mom’s approval after fighting for more than 2 decades to get her to notice me as much as she notices and motivates my siblings on the daily. I sent her a humongous email about how she has failed me and while I wish her well in her future, I will do so with a locked door. It’s weird how the most vulnerable moments often come with the biggest clarities about ones aspects in life. I will be focusing more on my siblings and father and feel much more confident to approach them now my mom is out of the picture.

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Hi @SupermassiveDarkStar good for your that you put your feelings towards mom into a good perspective. My father never wanted me and no mother said she hated me, so I can appreciate and respect your putting things in a better place after 2 decades!

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Honestly, it took a lot of ‘turning self hate into self love’ and all that comes with it. Vulnerability sucks but as I was off my meds this week my pain and anger towards my mom was raging the loudest and it made me question all my decisions to keep her around me for my family’s sake. I realised I can still love my siblings and father and them me, without me loving my mom and it freed me from a huge weight I carried.

Even though I am in a mental health ICU and on more meds than usual I feel very confident again and that’s what matters. My mom should not rule my life. Especially as an adult.

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Yesterday I was able to talk to my psychiatrist to have my emergency medicine temporarily set as daily medicine in the hopes I can get some peace of mind. I do not feel comfortable where I live and despite my medicine I had yet another mental breakdown. This time in the guise of verbally attacking my peer mentor and an assisted living nurse who tried to intervene. I am ashamed of how I acted now I am back to reality again and know I am ruining my chances at a good life with a healthy support system.

I do notice that the newly acquired daily medicine work best if I let them settle in my body while taking a nap because when I wake up I feel more mentally sobered up by the tranquilizers than when I, for example, watch videos or crochet to pass the same timeframe.

It’s a lot of trial and error at the moment and I couldn’t be more scared of what will come to me.

One Day At A Time :melting_face::smiling_face_with_tear:

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