Crowded.
All the kids back, endless bags of stuff from placement. Gotta try to organize. Divide and conquer time.
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Steadfast.
Absolutely determined not to let myself or my kids down!
Believe in yourself. And most of all patience is key. Things will not come as fast as youād like them too. Just take it as it comes and do what you are capable of. I believe in you. You got this
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MAJORHOTMESS.
Iāve been trying to hang on lately, but between staying sober, dealing with bipolar flare ups, and a relapse with bulimia Iām feeling like garbage. A friend that was also suffering from bipolar and addiction committed suicide this month and Iām in such a weird place. I almost feel happy for herā¦ Sheās not in pain anymore. I donāt think thatās messed up, but maybe so.
Iām trying to take it one day, one minute at a time, but while parts of my brain are begging for care and love, other parts feel like theyāre declaring war on my body and heart. Iām holding onto sobriety as best I can, but losing the battle against my ED. Every day I hope for things to feel gentler, easier to bear, but it seems like everything is a trigger and I have no defenses against my self-destructive actions.
Seems like the perfect time to go get help, but Iām terrified to admit defeat, admit one more way that Iām broken, admit one more way my sisters outshine me, admit one more way Iām failing to be an independent, self-sufficient adult. Itās pride, itās self-protection from false threats when in reality Iām breaking myself from the inside out.
I hope this is all related to my friend leaving and that in time things will settle down. She was dynamite. She was a supernova. She reminds me of myself in a lot of ways, and I think Iām a little scared of how far she took itā¦ Bc I wonder if the disease is capable of taking me there, no matter what I do to stop it. Would she have done it if she was in a euthymic state? Was it even a psychotic break? I donāt have answers. All I know is that we were very similar but didnāt talk about it much.
Iām safe tonight. I think tomorrow will be better. I want to love myself so badly. I want to be proud of who I am.
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I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I know itās absolutely devastating to lose a close friend or anyone you know in that manner. 
I know I was in a really strange state of mind when people Iāve been close to have died by suicide. I felt so many emotions and didnāt know how to handle them. This was still when I was actively using, so I went back to alcohol, but mental health and substance use disorders go hand in hand and make our end goal of sobriety that much more important. Again, I am so sorry that you lost this person.
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Praying for you and your passed away friend.
My cousin committed suicide years ago and the consequences are still weighing in the family. I can only pray in these situations. I donāt have words only prayers and the hope that they will be aswered.
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Today I have been feeling a bit frustrated and I think itās because my sister sent me a Snapchat of my favorite (unknowingly) vodka that she just bought. And I had a momentary lapse in judgment where I thought to myself, āHmmā¦I bet you could just drink once a week like everyone else.ā Not today, Satan! 
Lol 
I quickly pushed that thought out of my head and then replayed all of the times alcohol has NOT worked in my favor lol needless to say, Iām feeling a tad bit better about being sober. And Iām feeling stronger, but still sad that I canāt have a normal functioning brain 
oh well, canāt have it all I suppose.
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Hey! One word, lady! 
Sassy. 
LOL Iāve been called worse 
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Tired 
I think Iām in the insomnia+nightmares phase of this. 9 days and counting - so very tired and I am out doing hard landscaping work every day. Iām not used to this. Good news is, last night I found a can of beer in a gear bag I forgot about from a month ago and gave it to my friend and told him to drink it or get rid of it for me. He took it away and then told me he was proud of me.
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Iām exhausted! I physically overdid it today so Iām in pain. But, I still managed to work on recovery stuff, mainly reading. Iām hoping I get a ton of sleep tonight and wake up refreshed.
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Iām feeling: Relaxed
Feeling wonderful!
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Misadventure
Better.
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Calm. 
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Grateful. Very grateful.
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Sober. Feeling good and sober albeit tired.
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Like Iāve been in Ikea for a monthā¦
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