Livid, my boss is a bag of dingleberries!
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Satisfied.
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Revolted / Wanting to start over
We get to start our day over anytime we want too. Some meditation time is really helpful to get back into the proper frame of mind.
Crowded.
All the kids back, endless bags of stuff from placement. Gotta try to organize. Divide and conquer time.
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Steadfast.
Absolutely determined not to let myself or my kids down!
Believe in yourself. And most of all patience is key. Things will not come as fast as you’d like them too. Just take it as it comes and do what you are capable of. I believe in you. You got this
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MAJORHOTMESS.
I’ve been trying to hang on lately, but between staying sober, dealing with bipolar flare ups, and a relapse with bulimia I’m feeling like garbage. A friend that was also suffering from bipolar and addiction committed suicide this month and I’m in such a weird place. I almost feel happy for her… She’s not in pain anymore. I don’t think that’s messed up, but maybe so.
I’m trying to take it one day, one minute at a time, but while parts of my brain are begging for care and love, other parts feel like they’re declaring war on my body and heart. I’m holding onto sobriety as best I can, but losing the battle against my ED. Every day I hope for things to feel gentler, easier to bear, but it seems like everything is a trigger and I have no defenses against my self-destructive actions.
Seems like the perfect time to go get help, but I’m terrified to admit defeat, admit one more way that I’m broken, admit one more way my sisters outshine me, admit one more way I’m failing to be an independent, self-sufficient adult. It’s pride, it’s self-protection from false threats when in reality I’m breaking myself from the inside out.
I hope this is all related to my friend leaving and that in time things will settle down. She was dynamite. She was a supernova. She reminds me of myself in a lot of ways, and I think I’m a little scared of how far she took it… Bc I wonder if the disease is capable of taking me there, no matter what I do to stop it. Would she have done it if she was in a euthymic state? Was it even a psychotic break? I don’t have answers. All I know is that we were very similar but didn’t talk about it much.
I’m safe tonight. I think tomorrow will be better. I want to love myself so badly. I want to be proud of who I am.
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I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I know it’s absolutely devastating to lose a close friend or anyone you know in that manner. 
I know I was in a really strange state of mind when people I’ve been close to have died by suicide. I felt so many emotions and didn’t know how to handle them. This was still when I was actively using, so I went back to alcohol, but mental health and substance use disorders go hand in hand and make our end goal of sobriety that much more important. Again, I am so sorry that you lost this person.
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Praying for you and your passed away friend.
My cousin committed suicide years ago and the consequences are still weighing in the family. I can only pray in these situations. I don’t have words only prayers and the hope that they will be aswered.
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Today I have been feeling a bit frustrated and I think it’s because my sister sent me a Snapchat of my favorite (unknowingly) vodka that she just bought. And I had a momentary lapse in judgment where I thought to myself, “Hmm…I bet you could just drink once a week like everyone else.” Not today, Satan! 
Lol 
I quickly pushed that thought out of my head and then replayed all of the times alcohol has NOT worked in my favor lol needless to say, I’m feeling a tad bit better about being sober. And I’m feeling stronger, but still sad that I can’t have a normal functioning brain 
oh well, can’t have it all I suppose.
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Hey! One word, lady! 
Sassy. 
LOL I’ve been called worse 
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Tired 
I think I’m in the insomnia+nightmares phase of this. 9 days and counting - so very tired and I am out doing hard landscaping work every day. I’m not used to this. Good news is, last night I found a can of beer in a gear bag I forgot about from a month ago and gave it to my friend and told him to drink it or get rid of it for me. He took it away and then told me he was proud of me.
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I’m exhausted! I physically overdid it today so I’m in pain. But, I still managed to work on recovery stuff, mainly reading. I’m hoping I get a ton of sleep tonight and wake up refreshed.
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I’m feeling: Relaxed
Feeling wonderful!
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Misadventure
Better.
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