MAJORHOTMESS.
I’ve been trying to hang on lately, but between staying sober, dealing with bipolar flare ups, and a relapse with bulimia I’m feeling like garbage. A friend that was also suffering from bipolar and addiction committed suicide this month and I’m in such a weird place. I almost feel happy for her… She’s not in pain anymore. I don’t think that’s messed up, but maybe so.
I’m trying to take it one day, one minute at a time, but while parts of my brain are begging for care and love, other parts feel like they’re declaring war on my body and heart. I’m holding onto sobriety as best I can, but losing the battle against my ED. Every day I hope for things to feel gentler, easier to bear, but it seems like everything is a trigger and I have no defenses against my self-destructive actions.
Seems like the perfect time to go get help, but I’m terrified to admit defeat, admit one more way that I’m broken, admit one more way my sisters outshine me, admit one more way I’m failing to be an independent, self-sufficient adult. It’s pride, it’s self-protection from false threats when in reality I’m breaking myself from the inside out.
I hope this is all related to my friend leaving and that in time things will settle down. She was dynamite. She was a supernova. She reminds me of myself in a lot of ways, and I think I’m a little scared of how far she took it… Bc I wonder if the disease is capable of taking me there, no matter what I do to stop it. Would she have done it if she was in a euthymic state? Was it even a psychotic break? I don’t have answers. All I know is that we were very similar but didn’t talk about it much.
I’m safe tonight. I think tomorrow will be better. I want to love myself so badly. I want to be proud of who I am.
I know I was in a really strange state of mind when people I’ve been close to have died by suicide. I felt so many emotions and didn’t know how to handle them. This was still when I was actively using, so I went back to alcohol, but mental health and substance use disorders go hand in hand and make our end goal of sobriety that much more important. Again, I am so sorry that you lost this person. 
Lol 
I quickly pushed that thought out of my head and then replayed all of the times alcohol has NOT worked in my favor lol needless to say, I’m feeling a tad bit better about being sober. And I’m feeling stronger, but still sad that I can’t have a normal functioning brain 
oh well, can’t have it all I suppose.
