Its been almost 3 years since i quit dope:star_struck: my belongings from the past are still not completely unpacked ive just aquired new things, my old clothes dont fit cause i went from hardcore junky to chunky in the last few years:rofl:, but here recently ive been watching a lot of dvds i know that during active addiction i would stash baggies and other sorts of paraphernalia in my movies so at one point i lost a 16th in my movie cases i know i never found it so now i find myself holding my breath when i open every movie is it a subconscious way of wanting to find it or maybe my inner anxieties telling me to just toss all those boxes from the past? These boxes have photos ill never get back i stashed pictures in movie cases so they wouldnt get damaged its like a giant game of roulette im conflicted 
last fall i stumbled across a rig and a few caps:dizzy_face:it caused me a few weeks of major mental anguish! throughout this journey its felt lonely i pushed a lot of people away through my addiction now almost 3 years later the damage it did to my physical appearance is still all too revealing the other day someone told me i look like a drug addict it was heart wrenching my confidence in my sobriety felt crushed into the bottom of a volcano now i find myself meticulously picking out a movie holding my breath and dont know why?
There could be a few reasons why it’s making you feel this way but I would think it’s more important to get rid of any temptation. Do you have a trusted person in recovery or aware of your recovery that would come round to go through the DVD boxes with you. Just think of the amazing things you could do with the photos and you could get rid of the gear that’s been playing on your mind for a while now. Of prefer not to come get to face with my doc.
When I relapsed (on alcohol) in 2020, I became tempted by other things as well. My ex was into pills and I bought some adderall. If he knew I had anything he’d hound me to share, or find them and steal them.
One night he found out I had them. I got blackout drunk and hid them somewhere. Maybe 10-15 of them. And I mean HID them. I tore the house apart for probably a week and never found them. Even weeks/months later I would look every once in the while.
Literally 3 days ago, while opening my jewelry box to get out a necklace(something I’ve done hundreds of times since then), I found them. They were stuffed in between the lid and it’s liner. I forgot it was even broken.
It definitely surprised me, but it didn’t tempt me. It’s been so long since I’ve touched hard drugs. Alcohol is always the reason I do and what truly ruined my life. So it was easy to get rid of them.
Smart of you to come here and ask for advice. I think @Tafkap has a good idea to have a friend help. It’d be ashame to lose those memories. Or find yourself in a tough situation.
Stay strong and it will be alright. All the best.
Update everybody i mustered up the courage to go through all them boxes i did it alone as theres so much im still ashamed of those boxes solidified that i caught myself wondering what in the world could i have been thinking and honestly most of that life is a blur im thankful that now the feeling of accomplishment and my growth is gaining traction an all my shame i guess im still not ready to fully admit and be transparent about my past but the important part is i dug up the past its still in the past and im no worse for wear thank you its comforting to express this to people who can not only relate but be anonymous and get subjective non bias perspective