Tonight has just been awful. I’m not all that sure what set it off. Maybe too much caffeine earlier today.
I got to thinking about how I haven’t done anything notable or worthwhile. People write books, build AI models, cure diseases. My friend from back home published an RPG game. My ex is a mathematical PhD researcher.
I’m intelligent but feel so useless sometimes. I just like to listen to podcasts. I’ve no motivation to do anything else. I can’t even floss and work out on a set schedule. Don’t like to cook.
I don’t want to do much of anything, really.
It’s a big clue for my drinking though. The thought of seeing a show or event sober, I’m like, why? You mean, to just see comedians and plays? And that’s all?
I really fucked my brain up, I think. But uh, I’m sober…
Small victories dude. Enjoy them, we’ve had plenty of losing streaks.
You don’t have to create stuff right now, focus on positive, you’re sober, you’re connecting with other sober people, you’re alive.
The other stuff will happen, maybe not on your timeline but it’ll happen. I always had the nagging thought of having to do things, fix things, create things. I got some hobbies and experimented, kept at it, finally started doing bigger things. Last year I was focused on building a car stereo, this year I am remodeling and renovating a home for my family, something I’ve wanted to do forever… especially after seeing my brother redo his kitchen.
A profound idea occured to me, profound to me anyways lol, life’s not a competition. I don’t have to covet what others have, I don’t have to covet what others do. I can be satisfied with where I’m at, and when I’m genuinely ready to take on a task, I’ll charge it.
