Hello. My name is Kaitlyn. I’m 32 and have been struggling with opiate addiction for pretty much my entire adult life. I have been in a relationship for almost two years with a non addict. I recently went to treatment after a nasty relapse and got out in November moved into an Oxford house. Attended meetings and was doing ok. I am on MAT with suboxone. Slowly that pink cloud they talk about dissipated and I was left with trying to pick up the pieces of my broken life and had been feeling triggered for about a week when I finally gave into my cravings. Needless to say I had a lot to lose and I knew it and still went and got loaded. Now once again I have destroyed the trust that was being built back and hurt my loved ones again. I have not felt suicidal in a long time, but this has brought to my knees and I’m having a hard time staying willing. I feel like giving up and succumbing to my disease. I have gone to a meeting for the last two days and plan on getting a sponsor but I’m looking for others ways to get through these long days.
Thanks for being out there
Kaitlyn
We will help you!! Stay here. There’s a lot of friends here. Most of us have been where you are and can help you.
Its tough first starting out i use to go to meetings 2 or 3x a day every day just to make sure i wasn’t stuck inside my head. I was at the end of that dead end road and know how awful it feels. Just dont give up Hope read around here alot, reach out and ask if you need to get your mind through to brighter days. You can make it through this, things can be better just takes some time and some work, you can make it. We’re here if we can do anything to help you along. Hang in there people love and care about you, one breath at a time, dont feel lonely a community here that knows what a struggle addiction is to get through. Take it easy and be well my friend🙏
When I get intrusive thoughts I just open this app and READ. Welcome! You can do this.
Kaitlyn,
Welcome to TS.
Maybe we don’t share the same DOC, but I can honestly admit that I’ve relapsed hundreds of times during my recovery journey. And reading your words reminds me of myself.
Although I was doing so many things to build up my recovery, I still relapsed and managed to sabotage all of my efforts. I did that a lot.
For me, I was assigning an enormous amount of value on my DOC. And all this positive stuff of recovery that I was doing wasn’t exceeding that perceived value of my DOC. My subconscious was doing the most logical thing; choosing the life that offered the most. When someone relapses, that person is clearly viewing the drug as something with value.
But the truth is, our DOCs have no value. They have no benefit. They are worth $0. Any perceived pleasure my drug offers is simply the pleasure of relieving the cravings and withdrawal pangs that were created by the drug to begin with. And then, in between using sessions, I’m irritable, moody, craving, obsessing, stressed, until I relieve myself again. My DOC doesn’t fill a void. It creates one. This is not pleasure. It’s a lie; an illusion; a miserable existence.
Once I reset this perceived value that I assign to my DOC, and replace it for it’s true value, which is zero, choosing sobriety becomes easy.
Dont just plan on getting a sponsor. Get one! If they arent the right fit you can sort that out later. Next meeting just ask someone.
Keep moving your feet. You sound willing!
Sending you love.
Hi 
just wanted to check how your doing, How is everything going at the moment?
Life has been a roller coaster. Im alive currently using but tomorrow might be the day I quit for good. Thank you for your kind words. I plan on being on here a bit more.