Outsmarting alcoholism

[JasonFisher]

This topic keeps coming up in my mind while I’m on the ocean.

I sometimes have long boat rides. I like to think when I’m on the water.

Reflecting back on my life, the very first time I tried to outsmart alcoholism was when I was 18 years old.

I got in trouble. I got a driving under the influence charge.

The courts made me go to AA meetings. I had to attend ten of them.

I went to my first one and walked into the rooms. Immediately I noticed how much older everyone was than me. My mind separated me from belonging there based on age.

I listened to people share, I was very judgmental. I was better than all these people. They were losers. I wasnt!

I was a better class of people. These people belong here. I don’t.

I read the steps on the wall, saw the word God in the steps and Immediately dismissed it as being some kind of cult. I was way to smart to get tricked by a cult.

At my second meeting I must have looked uncomfortable. A guy told me I could forge the signature on my court paper that needed to be signed.

That’s what I did. It worked.

I also had to go to an alcohol class. There was no way to forge my way out of that.

Looking back, the class was good. The information was true. They taught us about all the different stages of alcoholism. I was in the beginning stage.

I was doing all the things they talked about.

When they talked about what alcoholics start doing as the illness progressed I paid attention.

I figured as long as I don’t do these things. I’m not alcoholic.

Things like drinking in the morning. Drinking every day.

This was where I officially started trying to outsmart my alcoholism.

Forging my AA court papers was more outsmarting the courts.

The class taught me about symptoms. As long as I don’t show these. I’m not alcoholic.

I ran with that. I felt like the class taught me how to be a better drinker.

Pure genius!

What are some of the things you have done to outsmart your alcoholism?

[SassyRocks]

Great post!! I imagine being out to sea holds a lot of meditative opportunities. As always, I appreciate your thoughts (and pictures!!).

I spent decades bargaining and trying to figure out moderation. So much of my energy and life force was used up trying to find the key to successful drinking also known as how to be a normal drinker. Fools errand that!

Some of the things I tried…drink a glass of water for every alcoholic drink, drink only on weekends, drink only white wine, drink only vodka, drink every other day, eat before drinking, drink only on holidays, only drink after 6pm, only have x number of drinks, and so on…I tried it all attempting to keep alcohol in my life. My mind was so full of trying to make drinking fun and acceptable versus the shitshow it would eventually be every damn time.

Sure I could moderate for awhile, weeks, maybe a month or so…but always always I would end up back where I started…having an alcohol abuse issue and behaving horrendously and to the detriment of my self and all those anywhere near me. Ugh.

It truly truly was a blessed relief to let that shit go, to let alcohol go and all those thoughts in my head of how can I make this work for me. Alcohol offered me zero benefits … sobriety actually fulfills all those things alcohol pretended to offer…confidence, fun, relaxation, less anxiety, connection, etc.

[TigerMatriarch]

I thought as long as I was still able to get my job done and not drink while working, if I never drove while drinking and if I never drank around the kids I was in control of the alcohol.

[Badger]

Some of my moves were pretty standardised/ classic.

Switching to different type of drink, i.e. red wine from white because I didn’t like it as much…

Saying I’ll only drink after a certain time of day…

Classic moves, classic failure.

Feel like I went thru all the usual moves of a snakes and ladders game but now I’m here and happier

[EFountains]

Great post and, of course, replies. I think all the mean reasons have been mentioned. Mine one is “I am not this kind of people”. I sometimes think: I have studies, I have a home, I am not like these, but the key point is think: I am in the way to. Another statement to disguise the problem: “I have a lot of work, I am tired, I deserve a drink”. Last one, I deserve, is a good one to drive you to the tragedy.

[Edwina]

Thank you for this topic. I also tricked myself. I only drank at night and at home. I got up and went to work every day.( with a smile on my face) My house is clean and dinner was nutritious and delicious. I’m fine! Dam it, quit questioning how much I drink, because I am fine.

[Lisa07]

Since I was never a blackout drinker, I didn’t think I had a problem. How could I be an alcoholic, if I remembered everything the next day? Another was never drinking during the day until that day came when I thought it was a great idea to have a few at lunch to ease my work stress.

[RosaCanDo]

Hiding was my go to. If no one knows, then how could it be/become a problem? I was only fooling myself.

[Kattrex]

Love this post!! I too spent decades believing I was a just a very high functioning drinker. Someone who liked a couple bottles of wine every night after work or 1/2 a bottle of vodka daily, just to unwind! (I must have been wound really tight) but as long as I got to work every day did my job paid my bills didn’t drink and drive I wasn’t REALLY a drunk. It wasn’t until I started blacking out several months ago, losing 4-8 hours of time all the while acting normal,talking,texting,doing everything but the next day remembering absolutely nothing that I became terrified! I went to my Dr. Got into therapy finally fessed up about how much I really drank and got into AA!! Today 64 days sober and feeling better than I have felt in years!! Easy? Hell no! Worth it? More then I can tell you! And the answer to who was I hurting??? It was ME!
Have a great sober Sunday​:pray:

[QueenSunshine]

I’m currently in a treatment program and it has worked wonders!
I learned about myself and my alcoholism within the first two weeks of the program. Monday starts the next phase. I’m looking forward to gaining the tools I need to. I’m completely ready to see what’s next for the next two weeks.

[Girlinterrupted]

Similar things actually. I would compare myself to the war stories in the rooms. Many inflated for the big dick contest. However, I would say things like, well I quit drinking when I was pregnant, so Im not addicted. I don’t drink at work (except when I was a bartender hah), so I’m not addicted. It doesn’t interfere with my career, not addicted. Haven’t had a DUI, not addicted. Never been to jail, not addicted. Don’t drink in the morning, not addicted. Everyone else around me drinks like I do, not addicted.

Eventually, being that addiction is progressive, I did end up doing everything on that list, except one. I did quit when I found out I was pregnant, and boy did I run with that. My children weren’t born with fetal alcohol syndrome, so not addicted

The fact is, from the very first time I drank, I was not able to stop once I started. End of story. It was like a shark with blood in the water, something else took over. If you can’t stop once you start? No bueno.

Moderation is something you have to “try” and is not natural? No bueno.

Happy sober Sunday dear friends

[Liz22]

I too keep trying the moderation game and guess what. It’s not working. I’m tired of not remembering part of the evening. I reset again and today threw out all the alcohol in the house. One day at a time is what I will focus on. I did it before and was sober for 30 days. I remember how great it felt and how proud of myself I was. Thank you for being here so I can share.

[jonathanlee213]

For me its all about the work and staying on top of my recovery, treatment, and maintenance. Realize that today is the most important if i just can make it through sober, yesterday or tomorrow dont matter right now. Great topic brings back a lot of memories from my youth that i can realate to trying to beat the system, like roulette the odds are stacked, not in our favor. But together we are stronger being apart of a sober community is like clinging to a life preserver that we cant let go of or we can be washed away. Thanks for sharing👍

[SoberScot]

Thanks for sharing! So much rings true

Happy Sober Sunday!

[Edwina]

So true! I felt the same way

[Thirdmonkey]

Rules on drinking. only a certain amount of beers when I go out to eat. only hard liquor on a special occasion…ect, ect, ect…however, those rules could easily be amended to allow for more drinking

[Rainwater]

Technically I still employ this tactic

Used to drink a lot, so I replaced it with carbonated flavored water. Tastes like kind of what an alcoholic beverage tastes like, but no alcohol

I go out and buy some carbonated flavored water when I feel cravings.

[anon89892515]

I started drinking Bud Light, cuz it was the light version…

Then I’d hit the expensive whisky, and since it was expensive, obviously that made it ok. I wasn’t a drunk because I could get the good stuff. Then I’d start in on the rum and would blackout.

But it was ok because it was only once a week.

Then I’d stop because I got so sick. It kept going on for years. Then I went to an all you can drink sake bar for 90min after slamming several bottles of sake before getting there. But it was ok because it was my day off… I was managing it.

Then I woke up face down on my bed in a puddle of vomit and my wife crying. Really outsmarted the alcohol that time…

[MandiH]

I used to think I wasn’t so bad-people around me were worse. I didn’t drink and drive. Though once I blacked out and woke up at home thinking I had driven and panicked-I didn’t but I had no clue what had happened or how I got there. I was convincing myself my health issues were unrelated. That life was “normal” because I drank…I wasn’t impacting anyone. (Ha!) I also tried all the things @SassyRocks had mentioned-sooo many rules and I just kept modifying them like @Mephistopheles mentioned, rationalizing it with my alcoholic mind.

The day I realized for sure my health issues were related to me drinking-I quit. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. But…I still didn’t think I was an alcoholic until I was close to a year sober. My twisted thinking was still no good.

I too was prejudiced against AA, for basically the same reasons as @JasonFisher. It was in a church and too much God talk. They legit held hands and prayed at the end…I was like noooo thanks when I realized what was going on and left each time as people stood up to gather together for it. I went a few times for a girlfriend to get sober- not for me. I did love listening to one particular woman though and I said if I ever did the steps it would be with her. There was power I found in the room, listening to people with decades of sobriety. I had 4 months and thought I’ve got this on my own… right. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I knew if I relapsed I’d walk that path though and try aa but I didn’t want ANYTHING to do with it at that point.

When I hit 2 years sober, I started asking whatever was out there listening to me for guidance because I was repeating the same mistakes even sober and I was getting desperate for change. SO, I said ok universe/god/spirt guides/dad-whoever is listening just show me the way and make it clear and obvious. The next morning someone asked me if I’d ever considered AA zoom meetings. The pandemic had just hit. I started working from home, I also lived alone. I was alone ALL of the time basically except my Gramma nights. Online sober interaction could maybe be ok! I could just hang up if it didn’t jive for me still.

I also remembered my make it clear and obvious request the night prior. I ended up asking if they had step meetings as that’s all I wanted to attend. I said I felt like I was missing out on something by not doing them. I didn’t even realize I really felt this way, the words just flew out of my mouth. He said absolutely we do! Let me have my wife call you…Annnnnd who’s his wife you may ask? (Or not, but I’m going to tell you anyway lol) It was literally the person I loved listening to who I said if I ever did the steps, I wanted them to be with her. And we started that day.

In this last year and a half that I’ve been owning my shit and working with my sponsor, finishing my steps and attending aa…I’ve changed more than I have in my entire life! I had no idea a life like this was truly possible and achievable. I literally just moved into the house of my dreams on the water. I started mountain climbing in the spring and labor day weekend climbed the highest and hardest mountain in my state. I’m doing things I never dreamed I could actually accomplish. I’m clearing out the old to make room for the new. I’m done outsmarting my alcoholism-turns out it’s actually pretty amazing when you own your shit and really allow in the change! I’m Mandi, a grateful recovering alcoholic and this is my new back yard.

Dreams really can come true, just keep doing the work and putting your sobriety first, emotional sobriety included. Life may surprise you with the incredible things we can make room to receive if we clear out the old and what isn’t working and try something new. Stay with it-you’re absolutely worth it.

Thanks for the thread @JasonFisher, I popped on for a second and it caught my eye. I’m glad it did.

[Wishfullthinkrr]

I wanted to be sober all last year. But I’m a binge drinker. So I’d say, i’m “exploring” sobriety. So i didn’t actually have to quit drinking, and I’d have spouts of days that i wouldn’t drink. Then go overboard for week, but i was exploring sobriety, as in not drinking every SINGLE day. And in actuality, i guess it was better than anything i had ever done in my life up until that point.but i didn’t want to explore sobriety. i wanted to be sober. I’m at a little over three weeks. And scared as all hell to go back. Im done exploring. I’ve seen the benefits. I want to be sober.