I went to the ER in May for a panic attack so large the day after drinking heavily that I thought I was having a heart attack. Tests on my heart were normal, so I think it was just something to do with my GABA being all out of whack due to the alcohol binge. I swore it off that day and haven’t touched it since. My first real challenge was going on vacation at the end of June to Florida for a week, where I stayed several days at a Margaritaville Hotel (made the reservation before I quit). I stayed sober.
4 days ago I realized I hadn’t heard from my mother in a couple weeks. I live 10 hours from her and she lives alone in a town with none of her family close. We stay in fairly regular contact so I was surprised that I hadn’t noticed sooner, but I had been super busy at work. I texted her, no answer. I called her, direct to voicemail. I called my sister who also lives several hours from my mom and asked if she had heard from her and she said not in a couple weeks. I reached out to other members of the extended family and the same answer. So I called the police in her town to do a courtesy check on her home, which they did. I knew they had arrived at her house and still an hour went by with still no update so I called them back and they told me that someone would be calling me shortly. When a person called, it was the coroner. They found my mom dead in bed. She was a 70 year old alcoholic, so I am sure that alcohol played some role in her death, but, since she had been dead for over two weeks at this point, there really was no way to get an exact cause of death. They just said it was likely she had a cardiac event in her sleep.
I have felt such guilt over the past 4 days. How did I not notice sooner? What kind of a son lets his mother lie dead for so long before even noticing anything. Honestly, this has been the hardest time for me in my recovery since I just want to go get blackout drunk and not feel this pain anymore. My addiction tries to trick me by saying I should go have a drink in her honor, get drunk and remember all the good times, etc. But I will not. It’s difficult but I know that having one drink would lead to another and then another and I would be right back into the life I left behind. A slave to alcohol. And I would likely be dead myself at a relatively early age.
I am making a lifelong commitment of sobriety to honor my mother. I am 2 months into recovery and there was certainly no guarantee that I was not going to fall off the wagon at some point. But, now, I feel like need to do this, not only for myself, but also my mom. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it does to me in this moment.
I’m so sorry for your loss Such a hard thing. Drinking only presses pause until you can feel again. Staying sober is the way to go through. Great job on 2 months! You’re mother would be proud
I’m so sorry about the loss of your mom and the way it all went. That’s hard
And I completely understand that you have cravings because of it. We used to use alcohol as a coping strategy for our emotions. Surpressing the ones we do not want to feel ore celebrating the good ones.
So it’s tempting to take the old path.
But that old path is the same road your mom took. It’s an dead end road. Sorry to be this bold, but it is.
So celebrate her and all she was for you by living. Living your best sober life while remembering all the good memories of her.
Oh no! So sorry for your loss, Kris. Losing a parent is extremely difficult. Celebrating her life without drinks will bring you solace. Feeling all the feels will be hard but at least you won’t be delaying your grief.Sending you hugs
I’m so sorry @Kris please don’t feel guilty you sound like you were trying to preserve your own sobriety welcome to ts. We will always be here for you when you need us .I’m sure your mother will be very proud up there that your doing for yourself something she couldn’t achieve. I have faith in you my friend please be kind to yourself and allow your self to process the pain and grief without picking up a drink
So sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling right now. But don’t blame yourself. You remained sober which is a huge achievement and I love how you wanna stay sober to honor the memory of your mum. Stay strong!
I had many slips and all of them led me right back to day one. I always regretted geting drunk or high.
Sometimes it gets rough but thats what makes me feel rewarded after i say no to alcohol. Its simple, just dont drink but its also hard to just not drink.
Hi Matt. Yeah, that’s the core of my strategy. Not to overthink it. Just don’t drink. Don’t even think consider it. Do it for myself and for my family. When I have struggled, always in the evening (I was a have a few drinks at the end of the day to relax guy), when I wake up in the morning having not drank, I always feel so good. One more night of beating the demons.
I do that pluse be kind whenever i can. Just not doing it could work but just not doing might be underestimated at times. Do.something for you for your sobriety whenever you can
What i do all thebtime is forgive and forget. I start everyday fresh. As a matter of fact i shoukd open up my bible again. Just 1 verse a day and that will help.
Such a hard thing. Drinking only presses pause until you can feel again. Staying sober is the way to go through. Great job on 2 months! You’re mother would be proud 
