Today was my first day at a partial hospitalization program (PHP). I’m finally dealing with trauma that I’ve been self-medicating with weed for ~10 years. Now that I’m 40 days sober it’s all coming up and I’m needing professional help.
This is my first time at a mental health facility or in any sort of group therapy setting. I was so anxious today I was shaking (could barely sign the intake paperwork) and even cried so hard that I missed the lunch break.
I know that it will get easier with time, I’m just so incredibly overwhelmed right now as I’m doing a Big New Thing. Could really use some gentle encouragement and reassurance from the community right now…
Goodness, that does sound overwhelming. But what a wonderful gift to your self…facing, working through and healing. It is really brave. Many hugs and strength coming your way.
All I can say is good for you making the beginning steps. It’s a journey and one you will look back on and grow from. There are ups and downs like all things in life but I think you will find the further along the path you go the better and better it all gets. And that’s what I wish for you.
Stay around, read, get wisdom from the many many folks here that have become before you and you’ll be just fine.
I’m proud to hear you made it through those first steps. They are undoubtedly the hardest. Well done!
Keep on my friend. Keep on! We are all pulling for you!
Hey, that’s a huge new thing. Good for you. I’ve seen you on here working on your sober days and this is a great step in the right direction.
It will probably be a bit scary for a while. Do it anyway.
I can’t tell you when this particular thing will get easier but your journey gets better the further you get from use.
Stay honest, stay sober and we’re here if you need us. Sending hugs.
I’ll say it again Reese , I’m super proud of you and the way you are facing and working through this. You have incredible strength to even take these first steps. This won’t be easy but if you keep getting up everyday and doing it , the end results will be worth it .
Sending you great big hug. Follow the plan laid out for you and do everything suggested for your healing. Keep your mind open to all the possibilities of healing .
I’m sorry that you’re feeling overwhelmed. This is a big step that you’re doing, and it might be scary now; but I don’t think you’re going to regret it. I think you’re going to be great and you will get through this. I wish you well and I can’t wait to see how much you grow through this.
You are so brave! I was in your place scared to death and faced with the choice to check in. I knew it was the right choice but that didn’t help being afraid. It did get better after the initial adjustment. Turned out to be one of the best things I ever did.
You are a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. You are jumping into the chrysalis of your change and you are scared and shocked and bewildered and… everything all at once.
It’s overwhelming. I think anyone would cry in your shoes.
But you also want this. You want this deep in your heart. That is a good sign. You will do this.
(Did you know that when caterpillars are inside their cocoons, they literally digest themselves - turning into a gooey mess of digested body parts - before their new form takes shape? Transformation is a messy, full-body, full-hearted process. There’s no halfway about it.)
Thank you, everyone. This is exactly what I needed to read before bed. I appreciate each of you very much.
Tomorrow is my first full day, and day 41 sober. Definitely feeling like caterpillar soup, but I know it will be worth it in the end. Thank you for walking alongside me.
My intensive outpatient program was one of the best things I did to change my thinking. It was administered by the Department of Corrections as part of my sentence/mandated treatment. It focused on changing the beliefs I had that I was not a “real” criminal, that I was above the law, that confirming meant defeat. And it stressed sobriety as a requirement to the point that any drinking or suspected drinking could lead to a weekend in lockup or being failed back to the start of the program, or worst of all, loss of the privilege of IOP and home confinement - meaning being sent back to prison to serve the underlying sentence.
Changes in attitude and direct and impactful consequences - these were essential to my sober foundation.
Everything is gonna be alright with you in your partial day program.
It does get better and easier good job on your progress keep your head up. You are doing the right thing. I remember my first AA meeting I went to I was so nervous and going through withdrawals I got a cup of coffee and I was shaking so bad it was almost empty by the time I got back to my chair from shaking so bad haha. It’s funny now but scary and overwhelming at the time.
But what a wonderful gift to your self…facing, working through and healing. 
It is really brave. Many hugs and strength coming your way. 
