So I’m struggling. But I’m not sure the problem or the solution. Im going crazy. I’m praying for willpower and strength and…control. I’m desperately STILL seeking obsessive control. I just
barely realized I should be praying for the opposite.
Surrender is probably the biggest key to long term
sobriety. True surrender. True admitting of total
powerlessness.
All this time, this going insane, chronic relapsing, all over the first step. I have such a hard time letting go of control.
Anyway I went to my councellors today. I told her I was 15 days off drugs but I’m not proud. Im not happy at all. I expect to fail. I have failed so many times I’m completely stuck in these old patterns. And worst of all i’m trying to fix me alone.
She brought to my attention that I seem to have a lot of negative self talk. Really high expectations. All or nothing thinking.
I seem to not be capable of being gentile with myself. I don’t celebrate any achievements I constantly focus on my bad habits and downfalls to the point I become obsessive trying to fix them.
I guess this is just a very overwhelming time for me. Recognizing some patterns in behaviors, yet trying to be at peace with myself. I have begun practicing meditating seriously. Its really hard and I’m starting off easy with a app called Headspace but I think it’ll help me. Anyway I’m slowly moving along getting to the root of my discontent. I think I need to focus most of my attention on gratitude lists and meditation to stay sober right now while I practice surrendering my old thought patterns and control.
What a rant
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Hope you have a great new year best wishes from Bonnie Scotland
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