Im just feeling a lot of mental pain, a lot of the past catching up with me. When you are sober there is nowhere to hide. A lot of thoughts: you’re not good enough, not smart enough, undeserving.
I look back on my life and i don’t feel good about anything. I can’t be happy with who i am, because I’m a fucking weirdo i dont know how to socialise with people, im totally inept, totally socially anxious people fking terrify me.
I feel like people look and can see what i am, a weirdo, a strange ugly weirdo who is callous and cruel, unworthy.
I wish i could hide in a dark room and never see anyone again, sleep all the time, waking up now and again, but still with an exhausted mind and body so i can dream about being someone else entirely, make a new life for my self in my head.
I don’t want to die, I don’t know why but something is driving me, something pushes me, maybe we all have it, this strange driving force, our will to live is extraordinary it defies so much, but God sometimes i wish i didn’t have it.
I’m sorry for rambling just trying to get out of my head.
I used to feel like that brother but if you stay on a clean and sober path you will get to the stage I’m currently at which is knowing who you truly are and meeting new people all of whom are good🙏 just stick with it
Me too man, me too.
Today I love that weirdo but I haven’t always. The weirdo in me acknowledges the weirdo in you. Give him a chance to keep you alive and see what that weirdo can teach you. I’m sorry today is rough.
Sending what you think is a hug but then maybe looks like a handshake so we’ll probably end up grazing elbows on our way into a weird choke hold back pat. 
But I meant to give you a hug.
Well the past is in the past now, you can only move forward. Life is very strange and I find myself thinking similar things. It is hard to live but we can’t just lay down and die. The human spirit is resilient and I believe in our ability to find happiness one day.
A lot of what has been said here is correct, you can’t change the past, what’s done is done, I don’t think you’ll find anyone in recovery who doesn’t feel a degree of guilt or shame for their actions.
That said it’s not about who you were or what you’ve done but who you are now and what you can achieve, hang in there buddy, you’ve got this.
Thank you so much, im sending an awkward hug back!
I think you just inhaled some of my hair when you hugged me. 
Awkward hugs are the best! I’m super weird too 
Hey, I don’t blame you. Many people are f’d up. Society IS a scary place.
Are you abnormal? Nope.
Maybe you just haven’t met your right kind of people in the right kind of situation.
Quality… Not quantity, is what I say.
I came to accept that I am who I am and I can dislike many people and that’s okay. It’s just what I need to do to keep myself protected and feel comfortable.
I don’t need to confirm and be the life of the party knowing everyone to be acceptable.
Hell… I’d build a moat around my house if I could and fill it with Crocs and sharks.
Thanks for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to share our deepest feelings. I have the same voice that says the same things. Usually too quiet or talk about myself too much, no one really likes me, go red easily, face looks deformed, actually quite stupid, etc, but also terrible for not focussing on what I am blessed with which makes me selfish. Urgh.
My best method is to get out of thinking about yourself. “Self esteem is made from esteemable acts”. So think about what you do right: clean up, make a healthy meal, exercise, text someone to check in on them, etc.
I’m with you weirdo, if you are one then so am I. Cultivate your differences and start to love what makes you special or unique.
Just don’t ever give up because we all need to be part of the stitch we are making in life.
One thing I have learned, is that no matter what you think….people are mainly self centred and don’t even pay attention when they glance your way, let alone make any judgement.
Absolutely this. Try this experiment: next time you leave a group of people you’ve been interacting with (job, municipal office, AA meeting), try to remember what anyone was wearing. Most of the time I remember maybe ONE thing that ONE person was wearing. No more. And same for them. People are too worried about others’ opinion of them to form an opinion of others.