So I’m at the part of my recovery were I’m feeling a lot of guilt for what I’ve put my kids thru.. like we’ve talked about my active addiction , I’ve apologized and I’m in therapy as well. But there’s still this part of me that feels like a big pos.. I know I have to work thru this, but does this part ever get easier? Or does it stick with you forever..? My kiddos are so understanding and loving they say they forgive me And are so happy I’m sober and on the right steps of being better. It’s just ugh
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Hey Jaayne!
Welcome BTW.
I have beat myself up a lot over the years for my mistakes. Guilt streak in me a mile wide too.
Firstly, it takes some time to accept that there isn’t anything we can do to change the past but we can do our damnedest to make sure we keep showing up and we keep our promises to our kiddos moving forward. I think it’s SO important for our kids to see us make amends for our mistakes. We’re all human and we all make ‘em…but if I’m not accountable for those mistakes then trust is lost. It sounds to me like you’re doing a great job of that. Keep your chin up, progress not perfection.
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I’m not sure how old your kids are, my kids were 7 and 11 when I quit, and so they definitely remember the chaos of my drinking, and I can never erase the worry, fear, etc, that I caused them. I made my amends when I was several months or a year sober, they accepted them with more understanding and grace than I could ever have hoped for. They trusted me again quite quickly, but my drinking still comes up in conversation sometimes. It used to be very painful, but it happened so I can’t hide from it, and now we can all remember it and talk about it factually. I think the best thing to do is not try to bury it, that would make it even worse.
Actually a funny thing happened last month, my husband got a free box of chocolates from work, but many were liqueurs or alcohol flavours. My kids were diligently reading the all the descriptions “this one has 0.01 alcohol, so not for you mum, this one is just Champagne flavoured so is it ok do you think?” and we all lamented that the box of chocolates was a bit rubbish for kids and alcoholics and why did Dad’s workplace give this out? 
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I think many of us can relate. My daughter grew up with my drinking and parties and poor choices. She was in her late 30s when I got sober…so a lot there for both of us.
A lot of the shame and guilt was what kept me stuck in my substance abuse spiral. Eventually I had to learn to really forgive myself and to offer myself some compassion and grace. Otherwise, I wasn’t going to make it. I have apologized a lot to my daughter and I can never change what happened to her because of my many issues. It can weigh heavily on my heart and there is nothing I can do to change the past except offer grace to all of us who made sometimes huge mistakes.
Bad decisions doesn’t make us bad people.
We are all worthy of love and care, healing and compassion. @Mtrav0040 said it well, we show up, we keep our promises, we are accountable. We can model now what we couldn’t then and that itself is a gift.
Now that we are clear, we can do better. And that includes forgiving our selves and showing up for our selves and our children with love and compassion.
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Mybson was too yoing to remember me under the influence of the legal weed here. That damn legal thc vape pen was a tough one to wrap my head around
I read this post just yesterday
I will also show up for my boy always
I also got 2 matching serenity coins. One for him and one for me
No matter what, i will not pick up
If i ever do, then much gets lost quickly, then the rest will follow soon after
Im more thinking about my wife
Im thinking ill get herva sobriety bracelet. Thats hounestly the least of it though
What matters is me showing up sober and never act how i did
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The fact that you feel guilty shows that you love them and you’re going in the right direction.
Both of my parents were addicts. My dad is just a monster. He was addicted to pills, a narcissist, and a pathological liar, with a history of SA.
But my mom was also an addict. My mom has been addicted to many things. She had a really fucked up childhood. But never once in my childhood did I ever question if she loved me. It took a long time for me to forgive her and eventually I became an addict, which is why I’m here now.
My relationship with my mom is very strained right now because she relapsed a few years ago and her entire life just….collapsed. everything she worked for…..gone. I do blame her for what she’s currently done because this time around is the first time around where she has done something malicious to me. She put a bag of coke in my car at 1.5 years sober. Throwing that bag in the trash was the hardest thing ive done in a long time. But it doesn’t sound like you’d ever do that to your children. I still love her. We are no contact until she gets the help she needs and proves she will remain sober again and get her life back together. But here’s the difference between you and my mom. My mom would never say this out loud. My mom still is of the mentality that her issues are happening TO her. There’s no accountability, no guilt, no apology. And still, I love her.
My point is you arent a piece of shit.…..I promise you, if you continue to do right by your children, they will continue to support you. You are a human being with your OWN trauma. There’s a reason you became an addict in the first place and I’m willing to bet it wasn’t because you were bored. Process that guilt and then let it go. They are there by your side. They want you to have the life you deserve. The only thing that guilt will do is try to drag you back down into the depths you clawed your way out of.
You are human. You are loved. You deserve sobriety. You deserve peace. And you are not alone
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