Anyone deal with kids that are used to a drunk you that avoids everything and then when you are trying to get sober they throw it in your face and everything you try to do right is wrong? When you try to make order in the house or ask simple questions, they tell you that you are irrational (even though you know you are now being rational) and start all kinds of little wars. They are 13 and 20 year old girls. I have talked with both of them, apologized for my shortcomings and still when it gets to me being responsible and actually parenting they fight back. Any suggestions?
I’m not a parent, and I don’t know what you are going through, but I am a daughter of an alcoholic parent.l and he still is one. Just recently I think my attitude towards him is changing and I am 27 years old. I always resented him, and never listened to his advice because I believed he didn’t deserve to have a say in my life. I still now take what I want from his advice and most of it is crap and doesn’t make sense to me but I still listen. I have gained resilience in our relationship. I probably was a troubled child, but if I could say something to you it would probably be that children need to make there own mistakes just make sure they know you will always be there for them no matter what.
Maybe people would disagree with me. There are probably many other things you can try.
I hope things get better Afro you and your children.
2 Likes
Thank you and I understand what you are saying and respect your view. I know they are waiting for me to fail again. And I don’t blame them for that. But fortunately we have a huge loving, forgiving family So they know my heart. I know they are teens and can be manipulative. It’s a matter of proving to them once and for all that this is how it’s going to be and should have been for a long time. I have never abused them or neglected them. I am great at faking being a functioning alcoholic. They are just used to a mom that gives in because of guilt for a lot of different reasons. It’s easy when grown ups keep bringing up your past and you can ignore or not even deal with them but when the kids are in your home and a source of stress that just gives an extra trigger. BUT I will not let it break me. I know how to do it, I just have to keep at it.
1 Like
@Cece
I am not a parent, and neither of my parents were alcoholics. But I think I have experienced what your daughters are experiencing, so I thought I’d share.
I am the oldest of 5 kids. When I was about 15, my very strict manic father started to go to bed for weeks, months at a time, when he fell into depression. When he was in bed, we would all get used to a new set of rules, laid down by my harried mom, who was trying to hold us together. We would get to do a lot of things my father would not have allowed. And we would settle into a new life.
Then, Dad would come out of bed, and start telling us what to do again. Things we’d been doing would suddenly not be allowed. He would suddenly be micromanaging our lives again. Not only was it really confusing, we felt like, “who the hell are you to lay down rules when you’ve been absent for months?” This went on for a decade. I was well out of the house by the time he settled down into a new, less strict, present life.
My siblings and I all repaired our relationship with him at different rates, but the healing could not begin until he found a new normal, and stayed there. There was no chance while he was in and out of bed.
My advice to you is this: while you are sober, parent. Be strong, and persistent. But please be reasonable. They have been growing up while you’ve been drinking. Do not try to parent them as if they were years younger than they are, and don’t lay down ridiculously strict rules. Pick your battles. The longer you are sober and present and showing them a new normal, the longer they have to believe that this is a new normal, and adjust to it. They are not going to listen to you until they really believe thatyour presence and sobriety are a new normal. Don’t give up though on parenting them.
4 Likes
I wish I had some helpful advice but I fear I might not. My son is 4, and although my parenting has changed DRASTICALLY now that I’m sober and he has acted out against it, he’s still only 4. He doesn’t quite remember or know why I was so aloof and disconnected from him, but I know it had a big effect on him and I know he can tell the difference now that I’m present. He gets so upset with me now that I’m disciplining him more and not letting him do whatever he wants. He doesn’t realized that this is actually the good parenting. But in the end i know he feels more safe and secure.
Now I know your kids are older but its probably not too different for them. You were checked out for so long they have adapted to life without you in a way. But they can adapt to life with you again as well. May take a little longer and a lot of consistency and honesty on your part, but it can happen. My only advice would be to be as honest and open with them as you just were here. Let them know you realize you avoided life, it was wrong, things are going to change. Tell them how you feel. Tell them you’re learning how to do life all over again sober. Ask for their help. Stay humble and honest and firm. I think they will respect that. I know I definitely would’ve respected the hell out of my father had he taken that approach. And I definitely respect my mother like none other for doing just that.
3 Likes
Well now I just think that’s great sensible advice. Lol I’m gonna steal it for myself. 
1 Like
I like your advice too.
2 Likes
Thank you!
Thank you too. I know and have no intention on backing down or giving up. We are very close and sometimes that even makes it harder. We have had countless talks about it. I know that it’s all going to come with trust and proving myself. It’s just nice to hear others have been here and also hear advice from the kids standpoint. 
1 Like
I hate to say this, cuz I hate hearing it so much but…time takes time.
There I said it. Blaaaa. But so true though! Sigh
1 Like
Our boys were like 14, 10, 7, and 3 when I got sober. The oldest two definitely knew they had seen a drunk Me. Only the oldest seems to have really grasped the gravity and contradiction in my drinking.
My parenting changed, but mostly by way of being more present, like Rosey described. For me that meant not being so strict, and being more consistent. I wasn’t strict while drinking because I was removed, but in between, blood pressure and guilt both ramped up, I was more exacting. I scrutinized them. After a little time in sobriety, I became more gentle more consistently.
Sorry I just realized that half of that shit doesn’t seem to apply to your question (but I’ll leave it in case any of it does 
)
Consistency is really important. And so is patience. Your 20 year old is a woman. She’ll process in a more advanced way, and accepting her emotions as they are is best. You don’t have to acquire new guilt from the past, but recognize that your using probably hurt her, and she will need some time to adjust to a new You. Your younger one, though in the thick of equilibrating to a new, emerging Her, and maybe being more volatile?, is also probably more bounce-backy because she is young. Lucky for you to have so much time to mother her still! Enjoy your days with her!