I’m at my parents place for dinner and gonna watch a soccermatch of my son. I’m still depressed and it shows. My mother doesn’t like that, and made a remark on it. Like don’t sit/look like that……basically I wanted to leave but I went upstairs and here I am. It reminds me of very old patterns, my feelings were never important and were wiped from the table (it’s a Dutch expression) especially when it were negative ones. I avoided a quarrel but mentioned I have put up a mask the greater part of my life and don’t want that anymore….she wants me to put up the keeping up appearances smile……arrrrgggh
And yeah my dad hasn’t spoken a word yet, but that’s no news either. What the f*ck am I doing here……
Edit: I feel like just ordering a beer in the bar at the sportclub….won’t do but damn those feelings.
Hey Rob – so sorry that you went through this. So sorry - didn’t see it sooner. How are you doing?
We are told to put on a mask for so much of our lives (dealing with work, social events, etc) so hard when we are asked to put on a mask in front of our loved ones. That is an unfair ask and I do hope that you get to be yourself.
Sending you love and comfort as you are working through your depression my friend.
I’m at home now. Still in bed, I expressed what it did to me. The soccer match was fine. I’m so tired of the life I lived. Yesterday I worked on step 4, next week I will continue with my sponsor present. That should lift my resentments, it is a long list of people and institutions. I know I can’t change them and that they are emotional unavailable to me. That hurts, but I have to find a way to accept that and fill that void myself. I endured a lot, feels like some things just stay out of my reach but so close by. I have this feeling for quit some years now. Have to find a way to grap it and make it mine. Procrastination is a hot topic. Thanks for your replies.
Rob, your parents love you. We have to get well so we can handle what comes.
I am careful about what I share with mine. I got to step 12 and now on my way to their house I pray and ask God to help me think of what I can bring to the occasion.
My mother gets squirreley if I am negative and my father can’t handle emotional stuff.
We have sponsors for that.
it’s weird, when we get well and we know we have this other life that belongs in recovery, and we just show up when and for what we can. There’s really specific directions in the BB about this. Try treading page 83 -88 in the mornings and keep going with the steps.
Parents can be hard to deal with at times, especially when trying to stay sober. When mine get like that I try not to put much effort into thinking about or dwelling on it. Just abruptly leave. Any visit over 2 hours is a huge mistake since it always ends the same way. It’s like they sit on annoying shit for 2 hours before building up enough nerve to say it.
I think it all boils down to is the fact that parents want their children to be happy. Yet forcing their ideals on us can cause the opposite effect. Their version of happiness is all they know.
Some people need to learn that their children aren’t lumps of clay or something to be forced into a mold. There comes a point when people need to let go and let their kids be who they are without beating them up over and over again.
