Hey everyone! I haven’t been here in a while. Good to see some familiar names
I’m struggling with something that I think I should be handling better. I would appreciate some advice
I’m 3 years & 4 months sober from alcohol. I have a girlfriend and we have been together for 2.5 years. She has never seen me drink. I’ve never seen her drink either. She’s not sober, she’s just really not a drinker and because I don’t drink, she never has any.
Recently it has come up that she has been bothered that she can’t keep beer in the house or order a drink at a restaurant because I’m sober. To be clear, I have never said that she can’t. I just didn’t realize it was something she wanted because she always told me she didn’t care about drinking at all.
Well now she wants to start ordering drinks. And she is keeping beer in our fridge. And it’s not like she’s getting drunk or drinking too much, she often doesn’t even finish the 1 beer that she opens.
I’m not sure why I’m having a hard time with this. I just can’t understand why she all the sudden is bothered by the lack of alcohol in our lives. And, if she really doesn’t care about drinking and she knows that I struggle with it, why would she want it around? I guess I’m just hurt that she’s prioritizing this minor comfort in her life (having an occasional beer at home) over my comfort with it.
BUT, at the same time, I know that I am responsible for my own sobriety and it’s not fair to expect someone to change or limit themselves for me. I guess this just feels different because it’s my partner, in our home.
If anyone has dealt with this, or has any advice for helping me handle this better, I would appreciate it.
I never cared if the hubs ordered drinks in the restaurants but he had a weird guilt about it and would say how he feels bad drinking in front of me. I’m not sure if that’s a universal experience for partners of alcoholics but I have seen similar experiences posted about that.
The first year we had a fight about having alcohol in the house. I didn’t want it and he felt like he was losing out by not having it in the house (not sure what he thought he was missing out on)
Fast forward to a few months ago- He brought a bottle of whiskey in. The first day was really hard on me. I kept looking at the bottle but thankfully I didn’t cave. After that first day I forgot it was even in the house. He hasn’t brought any more alcohol in the house but by his choice. I didn’t bring anything up about it.
I guess the questions I would have for your partner is why all of a sudden is it an important thing for them to have available? Were they a bigger drinker before y’all got together and they just haven’t been drinking because you don’t?
Hey Pica. Good to see you back here. I remember Pica and Moby.
My husband drinks and keeps drinks in the house. We used to drink problematically both in and out of the house together but that dynamic changed when I got sober. I don’t have a problem with him drinking in the house as long as he doesn’t bring my brands in. I don’t have a problem with him drinking with dinner but I would have a problem if he structured a night out together for us around drinking or a bar. He also rarely has more than one beer when we are out together.
It’s taken us a few years to reach this equilibrium and lots of conversations. He is the first person I tell if I feel uncomfortable in a situation around alcohol and he helps me leave that situation. I think that’s because he has seen me at my worst and knows that one drink would take me right back there.
I think it’s probably time for some honesty with your girlfriend. You might want to explain alcoholism and if you’re comfortable share your experience with it. Maybe she sees you as confident around the issue and doesn’t know this bothers you. Nothing good can come from unspoken stuff.
@Pica ,My wife buys a bottle of Proceco on a Saturday and that lasts her until Monday night, then she doesn’t drink until the next Saturday.
This doesn’t change whether she’s on leave or not.
She also buys us a case, (12 x 330ml bottles) of Heineken 0.00% larger which lasts us just over a week.
I’m like your partner, I’ll open a bottle at 19:00 and it’ll be still 1/2 full when I go to bed at 23:00, a waste really .
I’ve never tried to stop my wife drinking , I have Alcoholism not her, she drinks responsibly, but in the early days she kept Smint in business, as she didn’t want me to smell it on her breath and get tempted .
I’ve never had the heart to tell her that mints don’t work, Cardomon pods or Cloves on the other hand do, been there, seen the film eaten the pie (Watership Down ref).
Soo, bottom line, if it’s not affecting Your sobriety and she’s drinking “responsibily” let it go, and get on with loving her.
If on the other hand if it’s endangering your sobriety, I think a heart-to-heart is needed, or you could get another small fridge for her booze !?
I really hope it works out for both of you .
P.S. We’ve managed for 21 years I’m sure you can do it too . &
This is good stuff! I didn’t even think of that. If she has never seen Pica drinking then some insight could be helpful. The hubs has seen me in some rough places, put me in bed, dealt with black outs so he knows what that road looks like.
@Pica I think you answered your own question in your 7th paragraph. Focus on that and inventory why you are feeling that way. Then ask for the removal of the defect. That what I would do if I were you, similar to someone being RX’d opiates where I am living, or someone using around me. Just got over myself. That’s them, I’m me.
No they’ve never been a drinker or liked getting drunk. That’s why I was so thrown off by why we need beer in the house all the sudden. But I have to remind myself, some people just LIKE to have 1 beer and don’t drink to get drunk
@Runningfree so good to see you on here! The fur babies are good I’ll post some updated pictures. They’re still crazy
I really appreciate your insight! I was curious how other couples handle this but all my sober friends IRL are either in a sober relationship, or they’re single. It’s really helpful to hear how you both manage it
I have not been at this for very long (just earned my 20 day medallion), but I have been in that circumstance with my son. It doesn’t really bother me .. I order a club soda with lime and ignore what everyone else might be drinking. And I remember why I quit … I’ve posted before about the horrible fall I took in my garage on a slippery epoxy floor. I hurt myself quite badly.
My husband has told me many times that he hopes I never drink again. I turn inward and get destructive when I drink. He has seen me in and seen me through some awful situations.
My wife does drink only when we are on cruises , weve got a wine rack , it doesnt bother me if it did then id prob say something to her but after 38 years sober and 31 years married wish you well
Hi ! Think of it like chips …. Your partner is saying I don’t really care for chips but if I wanna open a bag and have two or three I should be able to do that without feeling like I also have to refrain from them. I have shown I am responsible with them so I should not be punished. It may be a little harsh but perhaps that is how she is seeing it. And she may be stressed having to constantly refrain , even if it is just a sip just to protect how you may feel. It is very simple and don’t complicate the life you have with your beautiful partner over something like this that can be fixed. Allow her to do what she would like and you just stay stronger than ever because now the drinks will be around.
Same here ! Been very frustrated and destructive under the influence. I have done it a numerous amount of times . I will be fine for three months and then do it again. He told me recently it was the last time and then I did it again.
Use that as motivation. My husband and I were drinking buddies for YEARS and my sobriety attempt that stuck was because he told me he was worried about me.
That took me by surprise. I was a risky drinker since I started drinking, climbing things, driving drunk and just generally putting myself in unsafe situations. Hearing him say he was worried about me after another night of dumb decisions that I saw as business as usual helped me set my intention to quit.
Get honest about how bad it is and get honest about your intentions moving forward. I did not realize how bad it was until I took a step back and thought “wow, not everyone drinks like this?” And the people who do drink like I did see it as problematic enough to quit.
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I’ll post some updated pictures. They’re still crazy