Personal/Family Problems During Holidays

Life in Recovery
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Holidays are great, but grief and family issues really flare up for me too during Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Example… idk what 2do about my brother this year. Last year he was in psych hospital during holidays, so I just went to visitation to see him. He was provided holiday meals and was in a safe environment. This year he’s downtown, in free housing with violence all around, with basically nothing. One of the 2 men placed with him is suicidal these days, and the other is actively using crack, per my brother. Idk if my brother is using or not. Likely so.

It yanks my guts out to think of me sitting around the table, with like a Norman Rockwell kinda Thanksgiving and Christmas vibe going, while meanwhile he is in such bad shape. I’ve never dealt with this kinda dynamic b4. We’re weeks away from Thanksgiving and I’m already worried about things. Our parents and his wife are dead, so grief is also stirred up.

It’s not an option for him to join us for either holiday. I guess I’ll setup visits to celebrate with him separately. Take him out to eat or something. I’ll be bawling my eyes out again, driving back home, and it sucks.

Anyway, the situation breaks my heart, and I’ll need to be more proactive about taking care of myself, so as to safeguard my sobriety.

I guess this is basically a vent thread about mess we will face during the holidays.

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Thanks for sharing. You are not alone. Vent as much as you need to.

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Have you ever been to Al-Anon meetings? I have found them helpful to learn how to take care of myself when dealing with alcoholic/addict family members/friends, including learning how to detach with love.

I also hate the holidays and find them uncomfortable, painful, and stressful. Thanksgiving is when my marriage to an alcoholic blew up in front of my family members, for all to see, and nearly resulted in me, my brother, my then husband and my best friend all getting arrested after a public fracas. The violence and insanity of my world was blown open for all to see.

Christmas bring memories of getting arrested at aged 13 and lots of memories of sadness and loneliness.

This year, I’ve decided to avoid family thanksgiving and go to NYC to visit a friend. For Christmas, I have been thinking about volunteering somewhere - I feel like giving back to those who have less than me might help me to feel better, rather than being miserable and waiting for the day to end.

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I’m not looking forward to the christmas holidays too bc I’m alone every year. This year will be different bc of the moving stress I’m going to have, but usually I hate it.

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Thx for replying. I used to go to Al Anon meetings years ago. These days I’ve been reading the literature each day, and I talk about things with my therapist and a few close friends.

I’ve never been to AA on my own. I went with my brother one time, years ago. The AA meetings are held at the same time as the Al Anon meetings at this one particular place I’ve been here. If I could saw my body in half, I could go to both. Heh.

Do AA members also go to Al Anon meetings? I didnt think so, but idk. I’ve been resistant to attend AA, but maybe I should start going, as I anticipate more stress around the corner.

I failed to mention my SIL and her family will be in town during Christmas. They drink A LOT. In the past, my brother in law and I would pour extra liquor in our drinks in secret.

They’ll be staying with my in laws, so at least they wont be staying with me.

Your ideas to go to NYC and to volunteer sound great. Good job on planning ahead!

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I’m not alone, but often feel alone. Why are you alone every year? Maybe the moving details will be a distraction.

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I’ve found there to be a lot of cross over between Al-Anon and AA. I went to some Al-Anon meetings 15 years ago when my marriage to an alcoholic blew up, but I wasn’t ready to embrace the program. I started going again a year ago and have been pretty committed to it. There are definitely people that go to both, some of which I knew from what they shared at Al-Anon and some I’ve only started learning since going to AA meetings and seeing familiar faces.

Personally, I found it really easy to start going to AA because of my pre-existing relationship with Al-Anon - I know the steps, I’ve thought a lot about powerlessness and finding my higher power, etc. I am comfortable with the approach of “take what you want and leave the rest”, as there are things about AA that don’t jive with me. But walking through the door to my first AA meeting (I had gone to some with my ex husband as support, but going to one in my own right was different), I knew I was in the right place.

I don’t know where you are based, but I am in a semi-rural place. There is only really one local Al-Anon meeting weekly that is conveniently located, right time and I like the group vibe (there is another that I’ve tried, but it isn’t for me). However, there are LOADS of AA meetings.

I learned with Al-Anon that for me, readings and discussions are no replacement for meetings. I would mostly hit my Al-Anon meeting weekly, but sometimes find myself missing one or two weeks. After two weeks, I REALLY needed the meeting. I’m in very early recovery myself, so with AA I go frequently. I try for daily, but miss some, but some days I go to two meetings, so it probably comes out to 6-7 meetings a week.

This morning I dragged myself out of bed (got the day off, so wasn’t up for work) to get to a 715am meeting. I cried through just about the whole meeting, which was exactly what I needed. Everyone was so wonderful. We talked a lot about the pressures of the forthcoming holidays, challenges of events with alcohol, and the intensity of emotion that we feel in sobriety.

AA is not for everyone, but I think it’s worth trying out. And trying out at least several different meetings, because they are all so different.
:two_hearts:

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I have spent some Christmas Days completely alone and both times I came away thinking “I need to not do that again” as I just spent the day crying and feeling awful and waiting for the day to end. That is why this year I am planning to do some volunteering of some sort, or maybe spending it with AA folks.
:two_hearts:

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Thx so much for sharing your experience. I’m inching myself toward AA. It boils down to an ego thing, which is I guess classically indicative of addiction. There’s still denial at play. Ex. I’m not “that bad” of an alcoholic, so I’m not gonna go. Smh. Rolling my eyes.

Theres this pride I have for making it these 104 days without AA. Feeds the notion things weren’t “that bad”. Um, yes they were. They were beyond bad. I more then “qualify” for AA. I’m a poster child for needing AA. Thx for helping me look more clearly in the mirror.

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What I have learned is that there is more to recovery than just not drinking. There have been times that I have not drank, though honestly the longest stint was 37 days. It felt like I was on a white knuckle ride just holding on for dear life trying to get through every day without a drink. AA has allowed me accept the reality of my situation. It took me a few meetings before I could say the words “I am an alcoholic”. I knew them in my heart to me true, but I didn’t think it would be true until I said them out loud. Finally doing so, was super emotional and such a relief. Now when I saw it at every meeting, it is such a good reminder of my need to put my ego and self-will aside, as best as I can.

I also went into it with a lot of fear and preconceived notions. It helped that when I went to my first meeting, there were a lot of women and several young people. I’m 37, but still consider myself a young person I guess. I find it really affirming to hear everyone’s stories and experiences as so much of it resonates me with and it makes sobriety feel like less of a lonely place.

I have so much trouble and angst about feeling accepted, valued and loved and in that group of alcoholics and addicts, I have never felt so unconditionally accepted and loved and cared for by complete strangers. It is really remarkable.

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Thanks for sharing and props to you for reaching out in the forum for support.
I am not the biggest fan of the holidays either. As you said, they’re great and all but a lot of painful stuff comes up.
The situation you’re describing sounds really tough. But it sounds like you’ve got some perspective on it. Be patient with yourself but be mindful of your limits, we all have them.

“I’ll need to be more proactive about taking care of myself, so as to safeguard my sobriety” beautifully stated. Whatever being proactive looks like for you, we all have our own stuff that works for us, go with it.
Some stuff that works for me around holidays is extra yoga and meditation, my therapy/process group, staying busy, and a little extra “me” time when I needed it.
Stay strong and keep reaching out for support when you need it. You got this!

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We’ll survive it. I’m prone to pity parties tho. I tend to envy and resent those who at least seemingly have close knit, non dysfunctional families. I wonder if we just have to decide we’re going to make the best of the holidays. Like bump it, nobody is stealing our joy this year.

Maybe I need to make a list of things I want to do for myself, and make sure i do them. The “giving myself a good Thanksgiving and Christmas” list. At least I could be intentional and then tick off things I wanted to do. I wouldn’t just be letting things happen. Idk. Just thinking. I’d be able to look fwd to “my” stuff at least. Hmmm.

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Because I had a bad fight with my father in 2014. He used to not talk to me for weeks when I made a mistake (in his opinion). He did this even when I was younger, this hurts bad I can tell ya.
Well, because I fought back one time in 2014, he told the whole family that I am like my mom, a useless weak woman with a bad job and a drug problem.

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My dad used to pull that crap with me. I was supposed to be perfect and cooperative at all times. I fought back in 2013. God forbid I maintain my adult position about something. We were estranged even at time of his death in 2015. It’s absolutely brutal 2b rejected by a parent. You’re a valuable, strong, resilient, smart, responsible, loveable woman and so am I! My heart goes out to you! I’ve gotta reframe my expectations of the holidays. Figure out what will be enough for me to enjoy them and try to make it happen. I can not rely on others to make my holidays ok. I’ll only be let down again.

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Mine goes out to you too, sending you a big hug.
Yes, it’s so sad when parents are like this and even more sad bc my relatives only believe him not me. Someone has to be the black sheep I suppose.

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