Pet loss: going thru it sober

[Niknac]

Hi all. I am really struggling. I have 10 months sober today (December 1). My cat is my literal love of my life. It hits different when it’s your own. My cat, Tony, has saved me in so many ways. He’s my soul kitty. Not enough words can explain the pain, anxiety, depression and angst I feel. Tony became very sick two weeks ago and has gone down hill fast. It’s looking like we will need to say our good byes this weekend and I simply don’t know how to cope. Like most addicts, emotions and me don’t go well together. I am feeling very overwhelmed and uncomfortable by all this heart ache of emotions. I feel like I can’t breathe, my heart is racing, I’m shakey, I can’t sleep, my mind is SO LOUD right now. I’m really struggling.

Has anyone gone through pet loss sober? If so, what has worked for you? Any tips, advice and/or experience is all welcomed.

I work out daily, I don’t go to therapy or meetings as of now, but willing to change that.

Also, please be kind to me. I have so much love and respect for this entire community. We all have our own trials and tribulations and this is one of mine right now. Thank you for the love and support much love!

[Tragicfarinelli]

I’m so so sorry for you. My cat was my child, and when we lost her four or five years ago I felt like my world was ending. I couldn’t stop breaking down, at work, at home, at the gym. I drank thru it and it did me no good. I would say this is where I lost another of my sanity actually. The cat was much more to me than my pet, she was my absolute love and trusted best friend, my one true heart who didn’t hurt me and demand from me.

So, I send you the utmost love and respect for making kind decisions for Tony above yourself. I don’t have many tips apart from to feel everything, but try and be kind to yourself. Appreciate the time you have had together and the sheer volume of love you hold. It doesn’t fade quickly, but at the end of the day, who can regret something so pure and beautiful and innocent as the love we share with our fur babies? It’s truly a magical concept that we bond so closely with our little friends, a privilege that they even allow us to get so close to them.

Again I’m so so sorry, my heart breaks a little with you, in remembrance and also empathy

Huge hugs, be strong, protect your sobriety, be brave, you got this. Drinking will make it 6 million tonnes more dramatic, it did for me.

[Starlight14]

I am so very sorry, i dread the day i lose my little dog, i feel your pain in your words and im sending you lots of love and hugs, take things easy its ok to not be ok for a while

[Passerina_cyanea]

I have not gone through pet loss but I have gone through other episodes of intense grief. I always say to myself, there is nothing so awful that using will make it better. It will always make it worse no matter what. I find that therapy is really useful in these situations as well as journaling. I am a dog mom and sometimes I just cry thinking that someday this will happen to him.

[SinceIAwoke]

First things first - your 10 months is a big deal, so good for you. I like that you led with that, it shows you are putting your sobriety ahead of everything else, even your grief.

Here’s a post I shared about how the death of my beloved dog brought me closer to God.

Huge mistake, decided to drink after 2.5yrs

Losing a good buddy or family member like Odin can really knock the pins out from under you. I was 18 months sober when our best dog ever died at the age of 15. When I found his body on the lawn, I became aware of something like his soul hovering above the treeline at the back of the property. I was granted another spiritual insight that night. As good a dog as he was, his best act, for me, was his last - letting me see how the energy of a soul leaves a body and returns to the Source. You c…

[Frazzetta]

Hey friend! I’m so sorry about your buddy. I’ve had pets all my life, and frankly there’s no easy way to say goodbye and well it’s not my strong suit anyway. The loss of my best buddy about a year and a half ago propelled me into an epic relapse and six months of terrible choices and regrettable actions. It’s not awesome to have shame and regret linked to his memory, even tangentially. It sucks to feel helpless, it sucks to know that you’re going to miss him and it’s going to be awful, but for now while you have the chance you should focus on being present for the time you have with him. I would say that although the way I handled the aftermath was awful at least I don’t feel guilty about f***ing white-knuckling through the feelings and taking really good care of him and being super present for his end of life. Take solace in knowing you provided a good home and life for your buddy, and that you’ve given each other love and happiness. That sh-- is hard to come by.

[Cjp]

Awww @Niknac my heart goes out to you. My furbaby is my heart so i can understand your pain rn. Im proud of you for reaching out here before knee jerk reacting and going to your DOC

there are others here who have gone thru this sober milestone and they can offer better advice. I dread going thru this myself. Just remember you will remember your quality time sober, no guarantees if you use

[ELY83]

I am so so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. Fur kids are kids…and the connection that we have to them is STRONG.

I had to say goodbye to my lovey empath Eva the daschund beagle this summer. It sucked.

I reached out to my sober community and am in therapy. If either/both are an option for you, now is an amazing time to start! Sharing our grief diffuses it, and helps us to feel supported when we can’t hold ourselves up.

I also had pictures taken by my friend before she passed. I will cherish them always. I spent a lot of time discussing where she was at with those close to me and wrote to myself from my logical brain, that she had had a wonderful life, she was loved and loved many healthy years and then I stayed PRESENT for her suffering as it was the CLEAR indicator that it was time to help her cross over.

When I asked the vet “were not being bad, it’s time right??” (It was ABSOLUTELY time btw) he said very clearly: that he watches too often, sooner that are unable to steel their emotions and do what’s right for their pet, so their pet suffers and suffers. It is TIME.

That was helpful. Eva licked our faces after the process was on its way once she started not to feel pain anymore. It was her way of telling us. Thankyou…it’s time…I love you so much…I’m ready.

Sending you nothing but love right now.

[Chiron]

Welcome to the community, or at least welcome to posting as it seems you have at least been reading here? I am so sorry to hear about Tony. There really is something deeply painful about losing a beloved animal family member.

When I lost one of my cats in 2015, it was very hard because he was definitely like a child to me. He was smart, engaging, expressive, and always wanted to be with me. I wasn’t clean/sober at that time, but one of the things I did to help me grieve was to get some photos printed of him and put them in a frame. I wrote down my feelings, and I let myself cry.

Today my other cat is 21 and has always been more like a good friend/room-mate than a child to me until the last couple years. We have had a couple of very real health scares in the last few years. Each time I began the grieving process as it looked like we would need to say goodbye only to have her make a come back.

I have often asked myself how I will deal with the grief when she does finally pass. The amount of time and effort I put into her care on a daily basis is bound to make the loss even more impactful. My daily routine and sleeping schedule is literally crafted around her feeding and medications.

Since you work out, it might help to plan for extra time to do that, since exercise can be a really great way of expending extra emotional energy. Let yourself cry and let it out. There are people who will mock the idea of deep grief over a pet. If you have people like that in your life, don’t confide in them with this, and don’t tell yourself that you should be “over it” by now. You won’t ever be “over it”, but time will lessen the sadness.

If you have a schedule, stick to it. If you have specific times you do things for Tony, such as feedings, litter box scooping, play time, petting and cuddle times, etc., you will inevitably feel that deeply because those things are “habits”, and breaking habits is a very uncomfortable thing in general. Decide on little behaviors you can implement in place of those habits, that way there will be no “empty time”. “Empty time” can be filled by unhealthy behaviors unconsciously sometimes.

If it is helpful, you can post a picture of Tony in the cat thread in the community and tell us something about him at times you are really missing him. Sharing stories of a lost loved one can sometimes be helpful. If you have friends or family you are close to, doing this in person can be helpful. Some people also find it helpful to make a little “pet shrine” for a time. Having a candle that you light at such a place may also prove useful. Let yourself fully grieve before getting another cat, if you plan to. Maybe volunteering at a local pet shelter could prove useful.

Going to a meeting could also be helpful if you really feel this loss affecting your sobriety. If you don’t like the group you find, you can find another to attend. Being more active on this forum or another one may also be helpful for sobriety’s sake as it gives you something to focus on. Focusing some of your extra energy on personal care, more than normal, might also be beneficial.

Losing a beloved pet is never easy. I’m so sorry you are facing this inevitable loss. I hope you will be able to find some comfort in this difficult time.

Edit: If you are able to do it, having someone come to your home to let Tony pass is a nice option. It is more expensive, but he will reach the clearing at the end of the path at home, where he has been happy, rather than at a cold and foreign vet office. I personally found this to be more emotionally soothing as well.

[Just_Laura]

Welcome to the community Nikki! Congrats on 10 months! I’m just a couple weeks behind you

So sorry your pet is nearing the end It’s such a hard thing to go thru. I’ve said goodbye to many of our family cats since I was a child, just never my own as an adult yet. When I first joined here, I had almost 5 months when covid hit and I relapsed 10 days into quarantine. A week after that my dog of 15 years passed away. I met him the day he was born. It was so hard for me to make the decision to schedule a euthanasia appointment and waited too long. He died 4 hours before it, at home. One thing I know is drinking my way thru it did nothing but prolong the pain. Same thing when I lost my grandmother in '18. I feel like I wasn’t able to properly grieve in the way you’re supposed to. I can’t really give advice since I haven’t personally dealt with it sober. My family always had a little funeral for each loss. That might help to say goodbye.

We’ll always be here when you need to talk. Keeping you in my thoughts

[Niknac]

Y’all, I am so overwhelmed by the love!!! I needed this so much. I was up late last night rubbing him just in my head, not knowing who to talk to or what to do. I decided to post here and I am so grateful I did. Thank you thank YOU from the bottom of my heart I needed this so bad. I hope you all know how much these replies mean to me 🫶🏼 Thank you

[Alisa]

So hard. So much easier to do it sober. Concentrate your thoughts on your pet and not on alcohol. Heart is w you through this hard, hard and sad time. I am so sorry.

[SoberWalker]

I feel you and I’m sorry you have to go trough this. I’ve read somewhere that if you never experience mourning you have never loved.
I lost my cat 2 years ago. The last day I drank he walked by my glass of wine and it felt on the floor into pieces. I thought it was a sign, one of many. It was such a special cat.
2 years ago he drowned behind our house.
The “good” thing about being sober going trough mourning is that you are going trough it raw instead of covering it up with booze ore drugs.
It’s hard but it’s a process you have to go trough eventually. If we cover it by our addiction we delay that process.
I wish you strenght to go trough this and I hope your furry friend will leave this earth as easy as possible
What has helped me after the passing of my cat was looking for a urn to put his ashes in after the cremation. I made a memorial corner for him with a nice picture and a spot to light a candle.

I feel for you, take care.

[Smokescreen]

Ohmygod how difficult. I too have a dog I love very much. That dog has showed me more love everyday- than any human being. I’ll be in pieces when his life ends, and I don’t know how to prepare for it. Please accept my condolences and support. If more people were like our animals that really love us the world would be a better place.

[Its_me_Stella]

Hey there how are you doing @Niknac ?

[Niknac]

I’m okay. Still sober! Just crying a bunch. We’re doing it Wednesday, so the next few days will be torture. I’m just doing my best to justify death. I know it’s part of life, it’s just hard to grasp that concept. I’m taking it day by day. I have a wonderful support group both here and also with friends. I am truly so blessed. Really leaning on all my resources right now and not being ashamed or afraid to cry or talk about it. Thank you for checking in

[Its_me_Stella]

Happy to read youre still sober, my heart goes out to you. I unfortunately have experienced losing pets when I was newly clean. The first time I went through it was in 2005, I was 4 months clean. It was my beautiful Rottie Teddy that I lost then and it was a soul crushing experience. I stayed clean through it, however I did have to seek some mental health support because I suffered extreme depression. This time since I cleaned up, 4 of my pets have passed. It has been a lot, and I have stayed clean by leaning on this forum and the women in my local recovery community. The days leading up to appointments are always the hardest for me, I will be praying for you to find peace in your heart this week. Sending you a big hug, stay connected.