I’m not starting over… but I am going to pick up where I left off and make some changes…again. I haven’t posted on here in a while but I have been trying to keep up on topics. Not because I was drinking the whole time but life just got busy. Last week however I slipped and lost control WAY quick. I know, not surprising to any of you… or to me. I keep thinking that when I relapsed in the past… there isn’t always a concrete explanation or trigger. That’s how I’m feeling now. Addict brain won. I decided to not count days anymore moving forward from here. If I managed just one drink in the past and didn’t reset it gave me a false sense of security. This time was my longest stretch and even staying sober gave me a false sense of security. Now I’m just afraid of it all. I want toxic out of my body and I want nothing to do with anything that can get in the way of a true sense of security… which for now lies in the fact that I haven’t given up and won’t. I’m getting to where I want to be, just not as smoothely as anyone hopes for themselves.
Up and onward!
Thanks for sharing @Gemstone123. Good attitude in choosing to move forward.
When you mentioned, “Addict Brain won,” it reminded me of how deceptive my own mind can be. If I don’t work continuously to keep my mind in check with reality, my brain will play tricks with me and get me to believe that acting out isn’t so bad. We always have to remind ourselves of what it was truly like in our addiction.
Don’t ever fool yourself, it truely is a process. I was relapsing every other day in the beginning. I meant to go cold turkey but I literally winged myself off the poison. Eventually, 2 days turned into 7 days, 7 days turned in to 14. I ultimately made it to 90 days and relapsed. I relapsed hard over a 3 day bender. My tolerance reset itself for the most part, and I literally drank the same or more as I was before 90 days. Needless to say, I was so SICK!!! It was pitiful… I’m on a 33 day run now. I don’t necessarily say I’m never going to drink, but definitely not today! I’m thrown away the concept of drinking to relax, and just for the heck of it. In fact, I really can’t think of a reason to drink.
Awesome job this far, keep it up!
I relapsed constantly in the beginning, too. After two months sober I lost all tolerance and had a binging episode and drank a scary amount. I still feel a little funky a couple dayd later but that’s just how it goes. Gotta make the changes do the work and keep going forward. I didn’t mean to drink that much… says everyone of us at one point… or 50.
Time to look up some of my favorite meditation videos and have a reflection/moving forward day.