These are the random notes from my notes app. I have a problem. If I’m looking at Xanax for the first time in years things are clearly bad. Very bad. I don’t want to feel this. What the hell have I become. A person who depends on a substance to fuel happiness. God damn it I’m done! I’m allergic it isn’t an option. I need my health back. I need to focus on doing the things I need to be a happy and content person in life. I need routine and I need to stick to it. I want to live a happier life and I deserve it. Help me first step? I’m thinking of doing 75 soft to get myself in a routine and keep me distracted? I want to be free.
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75 Soft sounds like a great start for wellness for you!
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I am day one into my recovery, so I am by no means an expert. I have done 75 soft more times than I can count. I never did 75 hard because the idea of never drinking again was too much at that time. I failed 75 soft over and over because I drank in excess. I can’t just a have a beer, it turns into 6 or 9. It didn’t matter if I was in a good place or low place, I would keep drinking until I blacked out. It snuck up on me, I lost control around Covid and now I am seeing health issues due to my drinking. I am accepting that 75 soft won’t work for me, my addiction has taken over. What would your 75 soft look like, do you have a good support network? What is stopping you from doing 75 hard?
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You are here trying in a way that is step one. Good job. Recovery is however you make it to be there is allot to be said about what kind of things you tell yourself and I think you can be telling yourself that you are already taking the steps to help yourself lead a life of recovery. Be kind to yourself and have a wonderful start to your recovery. You are already doing it!
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25 days later and I’m restarting after yet another relapse bender. I’m so good at pushing myself down into denial that I can’t even see where I’m going. I won’t go on about my relapse but it was bad, and every time it seems to get worse, as I fall into the trap of saying I’m useless and might as well use as much as I want. After reflecting a little I think 75 soft would probably make me feel more of that if I didn’t automatically get it all right. So, painfully, I am back to day one and trying not to feel defeated. I have made a goal of the new year to read more which has been a great distraction to make time go by faster. In my addiction, I hide myself away, too scared to really leave the house or drive anywhere in fear of being caught on drugs. I know I need to find connection but I don’t like the sound of doing anything not high. My biggest triggers (people, places, things) right now is my partner (but he is getting sober too yay!) and being at home. Do you know how hard that is being on holidays but feeling that being home or going home is a trigger? And also an introvert that only likes being home? 
I’d gotten all the way up to day 52 sober last year so I know some of the times I can do to plan for success. Having a good routine, going for walks, socialising, exercise, meetings once a day, cleaning (distracts my mind and body it’s great lol) and listening to speaker tapes when I really really want to relapse. Other tips and things welcome, please I can’t do this alone
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I’m not quite sure what to say Bella, other than you are worth fighting for. Perhaps rehab, or speaking to someone?
I don’t know other than to say keep busy. Keep moving forward and keep fighting.
I hate to think of someone struggling so hard and wanting so badly to not make it through. So whatever you do keep looking for what it is that will help you through this.
I hope you can get some good rest tonight and perhaps the sun shines on you tomorrow for a brighter day 
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Welcome back Bella. Ultimately truth is what set me free. It took a long time on a relapse cycle - years (decades) of relapse before I started to really be honest with myself. I didn’t see the truth and I’m still learning to find truth as I become honest with myself and my fellow folks in my recovery group.
I don’t think triggers exist outside of me. I think triggers are something my addict mind has made up for me in the past, to try to keep me in addiction. I think the triggers are things I imagine, to try to justify addiction. That’s been my experience of triggers.
Don’t give up. Keep searching and don’t give up. And be honest. Be ruthlessly honest with yourself and with the people you see in your recovery meetings. Don’t hide.
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I am wishing you the best on your journey. If you have done 52 days you can get there again and more. I know when I first got sober (a different substance, but I will try to share perhaps what may be relevant) I had to be in a place to go ALL IN and that also meant in the asking for help department and seeking help. I believe this place js an amazing tool, and it is what I use right now but if you need more supports and help go bang on every door you can. Give thinfs a try and dont hold back. Throw yourself at it. I wish you luck and strength my friend.
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- Check in here. Daily. One hour. Every. Single. Day.
- Sign up for IOP. 3 days a week at a minimum. Do not miss a single day.
- AA every day. In person.
- Get a sponsor and follow their suggestions. It will probably save your life.
- Stop making excuses. They no longer serve you.
My plan was pretty much identical (except I also went to rehab, sober living, and therapy) and I’ve barely had a craving, let alone a drink, since I fully invested in my sobriety.
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Thank you, I agree talking to someone would be good and staying busy. I will keep working and working because I care for myself and my life. I’ve just hit my 1 day mark and it feels like a tiny relief has been taken off my shoulders. One day at a time 
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Babysteps! Every time you relapse, getting back on the sober path gets harder! Make this your last day 1!
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I do need to be honest. In the past I’ve written here about being proud of only having one joint a night and someone slapped me into line by explaining that one a night is my addiction tricking myself into thinking I’m getting better by still grasping to hold on to it. It is me, and if things are triggering me I need to take accountability and remove myself. I’m sick of the relapse train and feeling trapped inside myself. I will hopefully be go in to a meeting in the next hour
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Thank you for your kind words, I can see the benefit of going somewhere else to get help but it isn’t an option right now for me. All the beautiful people in meetings and online show how you can go the rest of your life sober and happy as long as you make it a priority. This app in particular has been one of my biggest supports and I’ll keep coming back 
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Hey! Just seen your update on being one day sober and wanted to say congratulations to you! 
You took that first step of reaching out to the community here and now you have that first day under your belt. You should definitely pat yourself on the back. I think routine, community and hobbies would be beneficial to you on your journey as they helped me. Meeting and socializing with others that can understand your feelings/situation is super comforting. Rooting for you!!
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Thank you so much for these tips. I will keep being accountable here and to those around me. I think an iop is a great option I haven’t considered but not sure how that will work living rurally. Similar to in person meetings (closest is an hour away once a week) but I will do online daily. I also had a sponsor from that in person group but she isn’t the right person for me I think, I’m not really sure how to know who I want as a sponsor and if they are right. Thank you,
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Thank you, every time it gets harder to restart and I’m sick of going through the pain of those first few days! I’m really proud of myself too
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Thank you for the encouragement and advice on starting. Community is so important and I was so disheartened trying to go to my local group (an hour once a week) to find out they’d been cancelled for months with no chance of it beginning again. So now online is my only option. I think travelling sometimes will be good to visit different groups but for now all you beautiful people will be part of my support 🩷
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Sorry, I didnt mean physically go anywhsre 
I meant more in a place mentally to go all in
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DAY TWO!! I haven’t been this sober in years and I am proud. 2 meetings a day and taking care of myself are my priorities right now and I called my sponsor. It was great to talk to her and I will be going to a meeting tomorrow that she runs. I am surrounding myself with community and just getting through today
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I feel your pain… I’ve been in a faith based rehab for almost a year now I graduate next month and I’m not sure it’s helped me any. All I want to do is get hi!!! This is my 7th rehab and I want to be free too. Do you pray and if you do does it help?
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