On day 84. Finding it really really difficult to deal with the urges.
I know I don’t want to allow my addiction to control me, but recently I’ve been struggling to talk to myself rationally and think my way out of the urges.
Feels like I’m starting to white knuckle it.
I know I’m close to 90 days and I know I’m not going to get to 90 days and be magically healed, but it really feels like time is going slower and slower and it’s getting harder and harder to fight the addiction, not easier.
Maybe I’ve just been going through a low patch. It just all feels a lot right now.
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Maybe join a gym or divert your thinking or even a meeting might help wish you well
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I’m trying to keep active and busy as much as possible, but recently the thoughts have been growing in frequency and I’m struggling not to get on the thought train.
I need to put on my big boy pants and go to a meeting. Very nerve wracking as I’ve never been to one before, but it’s probably the right thing to do.
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First off, Rich. I want to commend you for abstaining from P for the 84 days. Thank you for sharing. It’s clearly not been easy for you. Hang in there!
I want to lead you to an old thread of mine.
Because I relate to this so, so much. I’ve realized for myself, that simply stopping the behaviors wasn’t going to automatically make my cravings go away. The truth is that my urges, cravings were an extension of my lack of custody of my eyes and mind. The lust and fantasy led to cravings. And the cravings led to acting out.
I’m not going to speak for anyone else, only for myself. But I realized that it wasn’t enough for me to focus on the behaviors. In fact, the behaviors weren’t important. What was most important was what I was allowing to happen in my own mind. For I can turn a lot of things into porn. I can walk into a church full of old ladies, and turn that into porn. One can lock me up in a dark closet, and I can turn my fantasies into porn. So I learned that it wasn’t enough for me to just stop the behaviors.
I had to stop thinking about it…
If I don’t think it, I’m not going to do it. And thus, I won’t crave and I won’t cave. That’s my secret now. I stopped doing what I call The Hard Path, and discovered that with the help of God,
It’s easier to clean up my inside (lust and fantsy) knowing that it will lead to my outside also being clean rather than to
Clean up my outside (P and MB) hoping that some of that cleanliness might rub off on the inside.
Do I do this perfectly? No. But now, I win significantly more battles than I lose with lust and fantasy. And I take each battle very seriously, and thus, I will win this war.
I’m attaching a link to my toxicity meter.
It’s important that I pay attention to the state of my mind. Knowing that I can get a pretty big fix off of fantasy. My strategy is to be mindful of my brain’s toxicity level and to try to keep it low.
I don’t crave as much anymore because I don’t give myself permission to. For me, the cravings didn’t stop until I stopped the craving.
And yes. Go to meeting. That’s good advice to yourself.
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Thanks Kevin, good to read your past experiences and know I’m not the only one out there who is struggling or has struggled in the past.
Your toxicity levels are interesting, is there anything you’ve found helpful to move from the higher levels to the lower levels? I can feel myself losing custody of my eyes and really want to stay in control.
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Don’t think about it …do it …nothing good is going on your head right now . Phone a meeting group and say you want to attend that way it will cull the fear and you will be accountable, you will feel better I promise 
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Prayer is a good option for me when I’m lusting or fantasizing. Also, I usually remind myself throughout the day on various truths that help keep me intrinsically motivated to live lust and fantasy free. Such as,
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Lusting and fantasizing creates a false image of women and relationships in my mind. A faulty paradigm will lead to a faulty life. It’s true that women aren’t sex objects, and have no desire to copulate with many different strange men. But rather desire relationship with commitment, monogamy, and family. Sex is often just a smaller piece of those greater emotional priorities in their minds.
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Raising the toxicity levels in my brain will simply gravitate me closer to levels 9 and 10 making it harder for me to stay sober.
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Lust and fantasy don’t fill voids, but create them. Lust leads to more lust and after each episode of lust and fantasy, I’m left more stressed, more anxious, more obsessing, more craving than ever before. (As described in Easy Peasy)
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Lust and fantasy are, for me, direct attempts to pursue sexual validation from others which reinforces my toxic shame. To heal from my shame, I need to stop lust and fantasy along with other validation seeking behaviors.
When it comes to custody of my eyes, I’ve finally found a solution that works for me that others find extreme. But I don’t care.
I simply don’t give myself permission to look. period.
And if my eyes glance upon a woman. I bounce them. This doesn’t apply to women that come into my circle such as the waitress, the bank teller, my wife’s friend that comes to visit us. But it’s a whole lot easier for me to deal with the few women each day that come into my circle than it is when I give myself permission to check out all the thousands of women that are outside my circle.
For me, it doesn’t matter how old she is, or how fat she is, or what she’s even wearing. This messed up fleshly mind of mine takes the image. Misinterprets it, and spits out a calculation; a conclusion that is absolute total garbage. And I’ll go from zero to pervert in less than half a second. So my strategy has been to condition myself to not look.
For it’s easier for me not to look, than it is to look without lusting
Me trying to practice looking without lusting is equivalent to a recovering alcoholic trying to practice drinking without getting drunk.
If I don’t look, I’m not going to lust.
And if I don’t lust, I’m not going to crave.
And if I don’t crave, I don’t cave.
Game over. I win.
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Thats been my brain for 24 years. Zero to pervert in an instance. Not giving yourself permission to look is critical.
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If I did give myself permission to look, I wouldn’t lust 100% of the time, maybe only 25%. But I have no way of predicting when that look will turn to lust. It’s not worth it for me.
I can see women better when I don’t look at them,
A whole lot better.
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Another thought,
When I allow my brain’s toxicity level to get too high, like 7 or 8, it can take awhile for me to bring it down. A few days actually.
So I’m motivated not to let it get too high in the first place. One of the Reformers Unanimous principles states:
It is easier to keep the heart clean than to clean it after it’s been defiled.
And this doesn’t just apply to relapse. (For we know it’s harder to get back on track after one) But it also applies to my lust and fantasy, which are conditions of my heart.
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