It’s hard to say how all the deaths have impacted me. Sadly enough, I grew numb to it. Going to funerals so often to see off a friend and our mutual friends would show up visibly loaded and people would talk and point and say (he or she was next) it was enough to turn your stomach. And they usually were right. I had 2 friends kick successfully. One has 16 years and works at a rehabilitation center the other just drinks now. Only the two. When fentanyl came around it took so many so quick. I feel the same with a fascination with the darker side of things. Probably starting real young having an older brother and a young uncle that took us to monster movies then just snowballed to everything else. So as far as sobriety time I have 13 days on this app, but actually 14 cause I started the day before. No much time at all. I’m still hella proud though. I’m thinking much clearer now. This time around with getting sober I did something I never did before. I told people in my circle. I was a closeted junkie and not even my closest friends knew. It was super embarrassing to tell on myself, but now I have people calling and texting me all times of day and night checking in on me and offering me all types of support. I never took it this serious in my life. I’m Making it so I have no options and no place to hide. Everything is wide fucking open now. It’s scary, but I really need it to be like this.
14 days clean FEELS like a long time though, for some people, because the struggle to remain sober is so much more intense, the cravings so seemingly irresistible at that time. Don’t downplay your clean time, 14 days deserves respect. 
Well you know what you need, and if accountability is a strong motivator for you then that’s good. 
I bet that was hard to do… when I got clean, I didn’t tell anyone. That takes guts.
Thank you so much. I actually really needed to hear that. The next coming weeks is when I’m really going to need the extra support. I last time I was sober for over 30 days was over 20 years ago and i was behind bars so it made it much easier to do. Being out in the wild and doing it without the aid of a cage will be a whole different story. Check in on me now and again if you wouldn’t mind. It would be very helpful.
I can do that, definitely. I can’t remember if you said so or not, but are you in a treatment program right now? It could help keep you sober and equip you with some coping skills to help with the cravings.
Thank you. I appreciate that. The more like minded people I can surround myself with the better. No, I’m not in a treatment center. I’m home still working when we’re allowed. I have moved my mother into my home to take care of her while my dad is in a coma. He suffered a surgical mishap and now he’s in a vegetative state. I couldn’t have imagined leaving her at that house alone to sit, so I brought her and her dog to live with me while we decide what happens next with my father. He stated he does not want to be kept alive via machinery, so it really all comes down to my mom’s decision. It’s all so much to take in and one of the main reasons for my getting clean and sober. Shit was already so out of control when it was just me to take care. Now it’s the family. Having them here also helps me. They keep me busy and it’s not so lonely anymore. I put up a Christmas tree to make her feel a little more at home. I can’t even remember the last time I had a Christmas tree at my house.
Oh, I’m so sorry, Steve. 
That is good of you though, to step up and take responsibility for your mom like that, and your father too. She probably needs you more than ever now.
That was THE main reason I got sober, to take care of my mom. So I relate strongly to your motives. You clearly love your folks, and love is an excellent reason to stay sober, in my opinion.
You seem to have a really kind heart. How are you dealing with all of that stress tho? Being a caretaker can be so incredibly stressful for me, which of course sets off cravings at times.
Been working in restauration for a long time. I some time dream about working at the first restaurant I’ve work at, 15 years ago. I wake up and it’s like I had work a shift.
Same for booze I guess. It was a part of our life for a long time. Brain will sometime get triggered by some stuff and produce some of those feelings and scenarios related to drinking.
It sucks, but at the same time when I wake up sober I feel proud and grateful that those days are gone.
I really have no choice. I’m pretty much a person guided by their heart and my conscience would never allow me to do anything else. I don’t want to say much about anything else here in the open cause it goes much much deeper and gets super personal. My story could probably be sold to lifetime networks lol. But if you got sober for the same reason, you know how hard it can be. Whatever it is you’re going through I’m also feeling very empathetic towards you. Yes! It can be enough to drive me to drink, but I know that would be the worst thing possible. If you ever want to take this to messenger just let me know. It would actually feel freeing to talk to someone outside of the meetings or therapy.