Hello, I’m 17, African American and am a gay male and I’ve been watching porn since 13. I need help, I have a hard time admitting that but I know now. Porn addiction is really been taking me down lately and it’s really affecting my mood and who I am as a person and my relationships the sad thing is the reason why I’m addicted to porn is because when I was younger I didn’t have very many friends and I was lonely. I got bullied a lot and then I just was really depressed. So when I first saw porn it was gentle stuff and it filled a void for having no friends. Though it got worse. Porn wasn’t enough I found apps like Kik and skype hoping to find friends when I found disgusting men who introduced me to sex. Before I knew what I was doing I was a slut. I didn’t know i t was even wrong and i thought they were my friends. Ive dealt with this from 6th grade to now and in eighth grade I attempted to kill myself because of everything. The online camming was so wrong. Sometimes men were nice, some mean, some cruel and horrible. I was called names, labeled horrible things because of my skin color. And i just let them attack me and use me, not knowing it was wrong till i was about 15. At that point, it was time for a healthy change so my family moved me to new school and i got away from kik and skype. Now I am at that school, I have friends, and no more depression or bullying. Except for porn which I am very addicted to and has become a bully and makes me feel sad. It’s now gotten to the point where I know my trigger. Whenever I feel a drop of loneliness or anger or hurt im back on. The truth is I want better but im so screwed up it’s like even though I know things are SO GOOD my brain is stuck in middle school where kids bullied me for my color and my love of arts. I don’t know what to do.
While I can’t completely relate, I do find loneliness at a trigger for me too. In early sobriety I read my Bible a lot, but if that’s not your cup of tea I’m sure any book (as long as it doesn’t encourage our vices) would work. Now that I’ve made it further in my sobriety I’ve committed myself to a healthier lifestyle and it has actually helped with loneliness and anxiety.
One more thing I would like to add is have you considered counseling? You’ve been through a lot of hurt and it could help to talk to someone about it. A Sex Addicts Anonymous group could help too.
You were a young vulnerable boy when all this happened. It was wrong of those men to take advantage of you. You may feel like, I consented, but those men did take advantage of you and I am so sorry for you.
Beating addiction is hard and you’ve made some great progress. It sounds like you need healing and I hope you can find some.
Much love to you. Hang in there.
Thank you so much it just feels like everything is a trigger. everything I do reminds me of sex!?! If I watch tv one moment when a guy is kissing, and I’m once again wanting to masturbate. All the Pop music talks about sex and my friends talk about sex. Almost all tv shows talk about sex. Eating a freaking banana reminds me of sex! I just don’t know how to break this I just wanna cum and give up. Ugh. When it comes to the bible I will Definity get into that, I have been listing to Joel Osteen and that’s been very helpful. It’s just some days I find myself so alone and just strip for some attention. I even almost one time invited older men to fuck me. He looked cute and he said the drove over and I almost gave address. It’s just this asdicton has really made me loose my values, my grades, my family all I can think i it’s sex sex sex sex even typing this makes me want sex
Hey @cjthedj, I’m glad you’re here bro. This is a safe place for you to Express your fears, frustrations and opinions. Let’s also make sure that we’re trying to keep the conversations alive. I’ve seen your bio on like 3 or 4 different threads. We can have a conversation, but let’s share and then talk instead of jumping around.
Thanks for being brave enough to come to the forum for help. Admitting we have a problem is sometimes one of the biggest hurdles we can face.