Hey all, just checking in at 60 days sober from P/M. It’s really been remarkable the waves of temptation that come and go. Occasionally I’ll think markedly about how much I’m enjoying a moment without thinking pornographic/sexualizing thoughts, and I’ll try to remember the purity of that moment. They just feel better, less tainted with guilt, secrecy – all that.
I do have to say it’s interesting how some days, when I’m feeling like I’ve gotten past this thing, I wonder if I was really addicted. Then a few days later, a wave of thoughts will rush past me. It’s so strange how this has been working for me, entirely built in waves, the ebb and flow of sexual thoughts passing and lingering in my mind.
All in all, I think I’m at a positive place right now. Just some thoughts to get on the page.
The addiction has a way of speaking to you. Usually it comes in the form of saying that you weren’t addicted in the first place and that moderation is okay. It’s tricky like that.
Congratulations @TheJK. 60 days! I said it before, I’ll say it again. I’m impressed!
60 days is a good gift.
What would you say that helped you to get to this milestone?
Hey @DungeonMaster, Yes, I’m trying to remain aware of the fact that I decided to set myself to task to change for a reason. The urges are still present but in large part they do seem to have fallen further in the background. They’re easier to move past I think. Believe me though, I’m in no mindset to stop now.
Hey @KevinesKay, Thanks! I don’t think that I thought it would have been possible when I started. I think personally that I have a tendency to write-off my will power to easily. When in the thick of my P/M usage, it didn’t feel like something wrong or potentially damaging to me.
I have previously discussed my learning and pondering over PIED and one particularly formative shameful moment. In large part, I’ve found the steadfastness in my resolve come from what I feel porn stole from me: the ability to genuinely connect romantically with a woman.
I think my depression while using turned into anger toward then end there – an anger at myself for not making the focused and determined effort to stop, and change for the better. It feels like the same kind of challenge I face when I climb a mountain on a tough hike. Physically pushing myself to the limit of what I thought I could do allows me to impress myself with my ability, and that’s something I almost never do due to my self-neglecting “put others before me” mindset.
Anywho, ramble-short: the pure will-power and strength I feel in allowing myself to look the tendency-to-view in the eye, not try to ignore it or run from it, but acknowledge it until it passes is what gives me focus and reminds me I’m doing good by myself.
Actually mini-anecdote I just thought of: Two nights ago, I was browsing my Steam (PC video game service) library, and I noticed a game I hadn’t played through fully had a new update. When I looked down at the “News” for the game, I saw the top article had something to do with “meet the modders hellbent on adding nudity to games”. As I also mentioned, porn games were something I got into more recently toward my decision to stop, so they’re a more potent urge. I took a moment and looked at the article title, and I allowed myself to let the panicky feeling pass, then purposefully navigated away from the page.
Those little moments of decision making I find are truly empowering.
Jeez I ramble a lot. Anywho thanks Kevin! Now I press on past 90.
Today is my third day after falling off for like 8 months. It’s sad after having close to 60 days at one point.
I don’t really know where I went wrong last time. I think I just had some ***k it moments and it went downhill from there.
I remember feeling so good during those 60 days. Like I was in control.
I need to find some positivity and not get down about work and life stuff.
Hey @Rayrock. Just wanted to say hi and I’m glad you’re back. Finally nice to run into you.
I’m 48, by the way, about 1 year older than you. Know what it’s like to feel like I’m in control and then be swept away by a moment of unclarity.
Many times in my life, I thought I had control, but I didn’t. I’ve never had control. I don’t have it now, and I never will have it.
That’s where God wants me to be. I need help; help from God and help from everyone here. The minute I feel like I got this licked, I stop reaching out for help, and BAM! RELAPSE ALERT!
This is a great thread you started. Didn’t pay much attention to it until today.
I really appreciate some of the shares from @anon62920945 and @storm.
You’re shares help break down the “magic” lady image that I have in my head.
And would like to greet @Liam8. Saw your lastest post. Welcome back and congrats on the 8 days.
Hey @Rayrock, Do you find you fall off track when you have downtime? I’ve been incredibly busy these last few months, and I think I owe a good deal of my current success to my absolute exhaustion at the end of the day, which keeps me on track as well.
Yes. Definitely downtime or just being alone is a problem. Although I find that my addict mind will come up with lots of excuses. I also just formed habits that I was able to get away from but fell back into.
What’s the ‘magic’ lady image?
Here it is. The link should take you to the post in my accountability thread.
Understandable. She doesnt exist, unfortunately. And if she did, she wouldnt want you. J/k, but seriously.
I am working on recognizing and dealing with triggers. I believe that HALT is is the root of a lot of my relapses. Today I am just dealing with being tired but I can feel the somewhat feel the urge to act out as a way to deal with it. Getting rest is not really an option until later so I guess the best thing is to keep busy.
Hey @KevinesKay. I am glad to be back here. I was gone to long and lost my way (again). I am going to stay committed this time. It sounds like your story is very similar to mine and you provide great insight.
Yeah, I lost my way too. I can relate to being tired a lot. I work 2 jobs.
But with TS, I don’t feel lonely. I’m not angry. And I am not hungry. 3 out of 4. I’ll take it.
As I mentioned above, I think keeping yourself moving and productive is a real silver bullet. I hike a lot – at least I try to when I have time – and for me the more strenuous the better. If I’m left gasping for air at the top of a climb, that’s a good hike. That said, when I reach the summit of any mountain I do, I always have a bit of a rush of positive feelings: achievement, confidence, tenacity, strength.
However: alongside always comes not a horniness, but a sexual drive uptick. I always acknowledge it happening, but also, because of the hard physical moving work I just did, I have a means of moving through and past it.
I try not to scold myself when that wave comes, and I try to nod at it as I move on and begin the climb down the mountain. When I’m occupying myself with a challenging task (for many this could be mentally tasking, but I prefer the physical in this case), I feel I have a means of comparison at hand: I can either go back to absolutely killing this hike (healthy, emboldening, feeling present), or I can indulge in fantasy (damaging, disheartening, disconnecting from present). I try to always counter balance my P/M tendencies with a positive comparison to make the choice obvious to myself, not just a shoulder shrug away.
Hey @KevinesKay, you know reading y’all’s posts about tiredness leading to the temptation to act out, I can’t help but think about what sort of tiredness you’re talking about. As I mentioned above, I feel that having worked hard during the day, especially if I can fit in some strenuous physical exercise, when it comes to falling asleep at the end of the day, my body more easily ignores the thoughts and tendencies that I used to indulge almost necessarily before sleep. I find my body has in a sense already decided its priority is getting some rest.
Are you speaking of more of a mental fatigue without the physical component?
You know I think this is a core element of breaking this addiction, and shifting the brain chemistry back to a connection with a real individual.
Ultimately here’s where I come at the “perfect woman” image Kevin referenced: I bet someone who looks like “her” is out there somewhere, 100%, got to be.
However, I feel that just in my 64 days of space so far I have the room to consider personality traits, character traits, as an equal if not greater basis of attraction than a person’s body. If I notice my mind fixate on a physical fantasy, I always try to add a “period” to the thought of simply asking myself "but what’s she like to chat with? Sit with? Experience something real and non-sexual with? It may seem silly but I think I’ve learned a lot of this healing comes in simple conscious mental juxtapositions.
So today I was really speaking of being tired from not getting enough sleep last night. But I think mental fatigue can be a problem also. I think it’s the dopamine rush or something temporary that I am seeking.
I’m referring to physical fatigue. I get about 5-6 hours of sleep per night.