Porn and Sex Addiction - How I got here

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This is my first post. Just joined yesterday.

I spend a lot of my thoughts trying to figure out how I got this way, but in the end I guess it doesn’t really matter. It’s more a matter of changing behavior.

I believe it is rooted somewhere in being adopted and something that happened to me as a child but I am not sure it really matters that much.

Since teenage years, I have always counted on masturbation and porn. It was always easier than working on real relationships. I never really developed any meaningful relationships with the opposite sex.

In my 20’s I was always trying to find someone - mainly by going out drinking to get over my social awkwardness, but I looking back I think my expectations were skewed by pornography. I had friends but I always felt different than them. I had a stack of porn videos and was ritualistic with watching them. I would go to adult bookstores with the video booths. I don’t think anyone else I knew was like that.

Eventually, I met someone and promised myself I would stop. And I did for a while, but eventually I went back to the habits but now I had to sneak around more. I think without the ‘freedom’ to watch porn when I wanted and for how long I wanted, I eventually started looking for other outlets.

I am now in my mid-40’s. Married with kids.

I have done many things that I am not proud of. I have tried to stop several times. A couple of years ago I went to therapy after hitting what I thought was rock bottom. I stopped therapy as it was expensive and I thought I could do this on my own.

I started back with porn not long after that. I never feel out of control with porn - as in spending long periods of time or watching it at work. But it is definitely ritualistic and for me eventually leads to other behavior.

I believe for me that porn is like a gateway and after a while I just need something more. It seems stupid, but it seems like I can’t control it. So many times one part of my mind says stop and the other part says no keep going (and that’s the part that wins).

Recently this happened again and I crossed a boundary that I didn’t want to cross. So I came here and reading the forums has helped me so far and I though I would post my story.

I am not sure if this helps anyone or not but it helps me get some of this out and start on a road to real freedom.

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@Rayrock your story sounds very similar to my own. Know that it can get better! It takes time, the help of sober friends, an understanding of yourself which for me came with working the 12 steps and patience, you didn’t get where you are today overnight and you won’t get where you want to be overnight either but you will get there with commitment.

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You’re not alone friend.There are a lot of good people on here who can help.

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Hey @Rayrock, welcome to the forum. I consider myself a lust addict. I’ve watched countless hours of porn. I’ve tried swearing off porn and only masterbating. Then only looking at things that weren’t technically porn. Then only looking at certain types of porn. The snowball effect was out of control. I ended up cheating on my wife 4 times in the last ~3 years. Each time feeling like I couldn’t stop even though I hated what I was doing and what I’d become.

I’m here today more than 6 months sober. Grateful for every day. I no longer keep secrets from my wife and I’m not engaging in activity that would ruin my life.

I personally go to SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) meetings and it (along with this forum and therapy) have saved my life. I know there are other programs or there too, SAA for one. Try some meetings, find what works for you. A lot of people are afraid to go to meetings because they think they are going to be worse than the other people there. I promise you that will not be the case. I have only ever felt accepted and supported at meetings. There is also a stereotype that we SAs are a bunch of ugly degenerates, but I think that is only the lie with which we’ve chosen to see our inner selves. Many folks at SA would be considered “high functioning” and have good careers.

I’m starting to ramble, but know that you’ve found a place that will welcome you. The measure you give is the measure you get. Keep coming back.

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Thanks for the support and feedback. I am sitting here on my phone in the early morning when I would typically look at porn. I am going to check in here now instead.

I went to some SA meetings before and it was helpful. I will start again.

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I am just throwing down a thought I had. I always think of my problem as a personal problem but its really not because it affects everyone around me.

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Just checking in on my own thread here this morning. Trying to break a habit/ritual you have done almost everyday for most of your life is hard. But worth it when you realize how damaging it is.

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Yes, breaking old habits and forming new ones is hard. Good job coming on here this morning.

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Checking in here today. A little tough today. Went to a concert last night and had anxiety for no good reason.

Found myself dwelling on some of the things I have done and didn’t enjoy the concert as much as I wanted. Also when I get in crowds like that I wonder if I am the only one there that is so messed up.

Mornings are the hardest time of the day for me but coming on here helps.

Thanks

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@Rayrock having anxiety and dwelling on the past is common early in recovery, Lord knows I did, but it does get better with time. You’ll grow to accept the things you did as being in the past and your not that person anymore but a new healthier you.

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Checking in today. I am almost at a week and the shame and guilt of my last acting out is starting to ‘wear off’.

This is dangerous because I can already feel the temptation coming back. The one part of mind saying you can just do it once to get the relief you need.

This is how I know this is an addiction.

I think I am good though today. Going for a run in a few minutes.

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Daily check in. I will be at one week today. Mornings are definitely the hardest time.

Looking forward to a good day though.

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Just checking in today like I promised myself I would. It seems to help with my accountability.

I am just over a week and the temptation is not as strong this morning. Not sure if it is because it is the weekend and I got some rest. Or just that I don’t have to go to work. I will have to pay attention more on Monday.

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I am somewhere on the sex/lust/sexual attention addict spectrum (labels are hard but definitely not a porn addict) and I had a really elaborate routine of sending photos to my acting out partners every morning by the time they woke up. Their replies were a consistent source of exactly what I wanted, every day, usually by the time I got to work.

So I started texting my “morning people” friends, or playing games on my phone, or checking this app. When we found a faith community, I found myself praying in the morning. My husband sleeps later than I do, so it was definitely the hardest time in the beginning.

Temptation ebbs and flows for me, and I think that’s pretty normal. Replacing acting out with other behaviors feels awkward at first, but it gets easier with
practice. It’s awesome to have good days and it’s totally ok to have bad days. Stick with it :heart:️

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Daily check in. I had a good day yesterday. I felt more connected and enjoyed the things I was doing. It is a good feeling.

Like yesterday I don’t feel much temptation today.

I think it’s the reduced stress of not having to go to work and being out of my morning ‘routine’.

I do feel that this app has helped me so far. Reading posts here and checking in here is therapeutic for me.

Thanks.

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Keep doing the work, the rewards are amazing.

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Thanks. I went to my first meeting in a long time last week. There are two near my work at lunchtime during the week so I should be able to get to at least one a week.

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I agree, “sex addiction” is a misnomer. And it paints a picture that doesn’t really fit the community in my opinion.

I also had a routine of swapping pics/messages with people right away in the morning. In retrospect it was an awful way to start the day. It created a mental barrier between myself and reality the moment I woke up.

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I hope I’ll find a more accurate description of my addiction some day. Lust addict makes the most sense at this point, but it’s all so hard for people to understand.

Absolutely re:separating the self from reality! It felt so good at the time and I felt so confident in my body because of it, but it wasn’t authentically what I need or want. I want to be more than that.

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Yes! Very well said. Lust does seem to be the best descriptor available, but people don’t understand it.

Yeah, made me think I was worth something but was really just carving away at my soul every time.

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