Hey lovely people, my name is Jente and I am here because I want to quit Porn/mastrubation addiction.
For me it started when I was twelve. I never felt that I had a connection with people on a level that fulfilled me. I felt alone, even though I had friends and family around me. So when I found mastrubation, I felt like I had a outlet for all my emotions that I didn’t want to feel.
Mastrubation was quickly followed by Porn.
I never realised that I was developing a unhealthy habit.
At 18 I met my first girlfriend, and she had the same sexual appetite as me. I would almost think that she also was using sex for unhealthy reasons.
But at some point I realised that the relationship was not doing the both of us any good. So after 3.5 years we broke up and I fell back into the old routine of porn and mastrubating a lot every day.
A year later, I met my current girlfriend and let me tell you: she is truly the kindest person and my shining light. Patient, caring and everything else, I would almost call her my soul mate. She knows about my addiction and is fully supporting me in the process of kicking this problem. I am very lucky to call her my love.
The thing is that the sex is different than what I had with my ex. It is more complicated than I was used to and I know that it is normal but it is a feeling I cannot shake off.
I want be able to separate my desire for a quick fix from the abbility to just make love to my girlfriend. Trying to quit porn/mastrubation while having a hard time being intimate with my girlfriend is not easy.
So does somebody have some tips for me on how to tackle this subject? I am already looking into a psychologist but that will be taking a while.
Welcome to TS @Artiom. You’ll find a number of us here that are struggling with the same thing here. Glad to have you join us.
You seem young. That’s a great gift and to tackle this while you’re still young is a great choice. You can find friends here.
If you can make it to a 12 step meeting such as SAA, SA, or SLAA, I’m certain you will be most welcome and make lots of friends there too.
Healthy sexuality is a whole lot different than the porn that we’ve fed ourselves. I have no quick solution to go from one place to another. For me, it helps to follow the slogan,
Firstly, I think it’s important to address your addiction first and foremost. The use of porn can lead to physiological problems in the bedroom as well as a warped view of what healthy sexuality is. Often times, those of us with sex based addictions have a general problem with chasing the high that lust provides. Anything else I say from here on is pointless if your aren’t ready to say goodbye to porn.
Develop a program to stay clean, build your sober network, attend meetings, read/listen to sex/porn addiction materials, find an accountability partner, reach out on Talking Sober when the cravings get strong, exercise, etc, etc, etc. Whatever it takes, just don’t use porn.
I too am a recovering porn/chatroom addict. I would say that the things that have helped me strive for healthy and mindful sexuality is a book called Breaking the Cycle by George Collins and, more recently, studying tantra and the work of Diana Richardson. There are some great books by Diana Richardson out there. Big Warning* There could be some triggering material while researching, though the books themselves are pretty tame. Make sure you are strong in your commitment to sobriety before going there.
If your girlfriend is willing to go the extra mile, it may be a good thing to read the tantra book/s together and have study sessions.
Remember, this is about changing your life and you are doing it for your own well being. It’s to be healthier in every facet of your life. If you do it for her or for your ego or for anyone else, it’s probably not going to work. Approach yourself with compassion and dedication to finding a better way one day at a time and you’ll be just fine. The only rule is, don’t use porn.
Thank you both for responding I can imaginen that my view on what healthy sexuality could be indeed distorted after all those years. I hope I can fix that with some professional help.
I have read/watched some things on the subject. But now that you’re the third person recommending me the book, so I will read it for sure.
I already tried to quite a few times, which lasted a like around 2 weeks at most. But hopefully with all the friendly help and support I get here, it should be somewhat more durable.
Should I tackle on thing at the time or try to quit both mastrubation and porn in one go?
Your sobriety is for you to define, my friend. For me, I’ve given up PMO. I’m married, so I save it all for her.
I cannot overstate the importance of an exercise regimen. It helps to combat the steam that can build up. Also, meditation and yoga helped me find breathing techniques that help me get back to center.
Other people use blocks on their phone.
SLAA or SAA are also helpful if there are meetings in your area. There are A LOT of men there with your problem.
Dig in hard and read as much as you can. There’s not a lot of resources here but yourbrainonporn.com could be a helpful place to help you sort out what’s going on in your head. If you know more about your enemy, the easier it will be to fight it.
I have also struggled with porn and masterbation most of my life. For me they ended up not being enough, my addiction was progressive and destructive, and led me to cheating on my wife.
I will repeat what others have said about checking out a 12 step program. I go to SA (SA.org) meetings and they have helped me tremendously. Something @KevinesKay mentioned on another thread recently was that it’s not enough to just quit the behavior, there is work to be done at getting to the underlying problem.
I agree with @Mtrav0040 that it’s up to you to define your own sobriety. For me I had to give up both or one would surely lead to the other eventually.
@Mtrav0040@MikeSeekingHope Thank you both for responding, I thought was doing something wrong by tackling them both at the same time because I kept falling back to my old patron.
It is indeed quite often that I would do it to blow off steam from school and work. So I will polish off my old running shoes to get the stress out of my system.
I am somewhat unfamiliar with the concept of SLAA and SAA (either because it is not that well-known in the Netherlands or I just never noticed it), but I will go look into it
I am so glad that I found this forum! You people are giving me already so much tips and more. Even with all the support I get from my surroundings, it is still good to feel that there are people out here to share and connect with that had/have the same troubles as me.
Welcome @Artiom, this is all good advice. I would add you might try a 90 day “fast” from any kind of sex with your girlfriend and just concentrate on building intamancy .
Much love and respect for your willingness to share your struggle. Admitting it is a problem is a giant step, doing it in front of others even when it’s online is even greater. I can absolutely relate to your struggle. “The Game Plan” by Joe Dallas helped me a a lot.
Another big thing that has helped me was making a list of 20 reasons why I don’t want to masterbate/ watch porn and to re-read it to myself daily. It kept my purpose in mind so when temptation hit me, all the reasons why I shouldn’t do it would hit me as well.
I really like the idea of a 90 day fast, I will make sure to ask my girlfriend to join me with this. And also the 20 reasons why will make a great difference.
I used to go to the TS forum to help me coup with the addiction, but now that I actually interact with you all if feel more motivated then ever
I’m glad to hear that you are feeling motivated Artiom. I try and check in to Sober Talking daily so feel free to hit me up anytime. I struggled for many years with porn and my victory over it didn’t happen fast. It’s been a difficult journey. Still, there is hope.
I will So hereby Day 2 of being sober. The first few days for me are always easier. At around Day 5/7 it will probably gets really hard, but I will make sure to check in as much as I can.
So it is now day 12 and I wanted to post a short update on how it is going so far.
After a few days I realised that I couldn’t fight both addictions at ones. It took all my focus to not fall do it. I even had to leave work earlier this weekend because I thought I went insane.
So I decided to do this as followed
Quit Porn all together
Only mastrubate when it really gets difficult and everything else has failt
As soon as I hit a point where I feel completely clean from porn, I will take on that other dragon
So far it is going well I do have sometimes the nagging feeling of my porn addiction coming up as I work at my computer (Why do all uoutube music videos I listen to have suggestive images?!), but otherwise everything is going fine
I also took the challenge of 90 days without sex but with our own spin to it. It already makes me feel more connected in the moment with my girlfriend, bringing us together in a more healthier way.
I want to thank everybody again for their amazing tips. Couldn’t have done it without the support this platform brings.
That’s great. What you say worries me though. In my experience, the porn addiction does not go away, especially if you’re still giving in to some other form of self-indulgent sex addiction. I hope that works for you though. Are you working some other form of a program?
The addiction will indeed never go away, but I see both of them as a separate thing. By eliminating the porn first I created a smaller, more managable goal for myself. And by keeping the mastrubation in check by talking with other people about it and being aware of what my brain does, the number of times I do it already decreased a lot.
Currently waiting for my first appointment with the sex therapist, so looking forward to that.
Congratulations on the 12 days.
No one’s addiction if the same and neither is no one’s recovery the same so if splitting porn and masturbation is working for you then outstanding! It’s great your girlfriend is on board with the 90 day
I can imaginen that my view on what healthy sexuality could be indeed distorted after all those years. I hope I can fix that with some professional help.
