Ew. Never been one to “blog”. But I, like everyone else on here, am on the journey of sobriety, trying to find ways to help cope/deal with the addiction.
I started using porn when I was maybe 13/14, at the time living at home with my parents so my “sessions” were relatively short, getting up to 2-3 hours when I was 17-18 and I’d stay up late at night edging.
Then I moved out and went to uni, and I was free to spend as much time as I wanted watching porn and wanking. My tastes became more varied, and I began reading gay erotica and having cybersex with people on Omegle (mostly guys as there were more of them on there). I had my first male-on-male experience when I met up with a guy off Craigslist and performed oral sex on him.
A little later I got into a relationship with a girl, and went maybe a month without porn or masturbation (as we were having lots of sex and this was fulfilling my hunger for dopamine). However I did start reusing porn and masturbating, now with the addition of stealing my GFs lingerie and wearing it while masturbating and having cybersex, sending pictures of myself to guys.
We left uni and went long distance, again the shackles were off and I could watch porn and wank pretty much whenever I wanted. Then 18 months later we moved in together and I had less freedom to wank and watch porn. Interestingly we pretty much stopped having sex, and I would watch porn and edge when my GF was on night shifts, often I’d kiss her goodbye, run to the bedroom and wank until I heard her keys in the door when she was back from her 12 hour shift.
I moved away for a new job and we broke up. I was sad, but also kind of relieved. I felt like we’d been forcing the relationship and breaking up to avoid another spell of long distance was an easy out for both of us.
Being single, I got on the dating apps, looking for flings and hookups, while continuing to masturbate, watch porn, and have cybersex. My brain was needing more and more dopamine and I ended up downloading grindr. This led to me fetishizing a transwoman and meeting up with a few more guys for oral sex.
It eventually got to the point where it crossed a boundary for me, I had gone round to a male couple’s house for oral sex and it ended up with one of them having anal sex with me. I left feeling disgusted and ashamed of myself.
After this I tried to quit it all cold turkey but couldn’t keep it up and came back to porn after a couple of weeks. In this time I started sleeping with another girl, so this satisfied my need for dopamine, and she was happy to explore sexually and try out kinky stuff, enter even more dopamine.
A few months later she moved away for a job and we continued to talk, but I started relying more heavily on porn and cybersex again.
We entered a long distance relationship and we’re making it work, at this point she wasnt fully aware of my issues with porn. In truth, neither was I. A previous “fuckbuddy” had described me as a sex addict but I just kind of laughed it off and she said it worked for her as she was getting lots of sex.
As our relationship went on, she became more and more aware of my addiction, and eventually I told her about my previous experiences with guys, she initially took it well, then had a bit of a freakout (understandably). We got through it and she suggested speaking to a therapist. I found this very daunting and put it off for a while but eventually spoke to someone as an initial consultation, unfortunately they were pretty useless so I didn’t speak to them again.
I can’t remember when but my GF started telling me my reliance on porn and masturbation sessions were not healthy, and she continued to suggest I see a therapist, begrudgingly I tried another, this one I saw a few times with some success in reducing my porn intake, but then I fucked it all up when I kissed a random woman in a club on a night out. I told my GF the next day and she ended things. I relapsed HARD, binging porn, cybersex, and masturbating for approx. 24 hours straight. I was numb. I didn’t care that I’d lost the girl I really loved and cared about. As soon as I finished masturbating, the reality of what happened came crashing down. I was horrified. I could not stop sobbing. I didn’t leave the house for days, and barely left my room.
It was here I first took responsibility for my issue, I felt like I finally wanted to quit for real rather than going through the motions and expecting the therapist to come up with some magical solution to fix me.
I went 103 days without porn. My (ex?)GF and I were trying to make things work, I was putting in the effort. I had aimed for 90 days as the therapist had said this was the time that breaks the addiction. After the 90 days I was still getting urges and was confused why they hadn’t gone away. I managed to push through 13 more days but was emotionally distant with my GF as I was getting urges to sleep with other people. I was going numb again. We broke up on day 103 and I relapsed again. After this relapse I remember sitting in a chair, feeling physically sick, I could barely move, I could barely see. I was scared, I didn’t know what was happening, I broke out in cold sweats. Since then it’s been a battle of relapsing every 2-3 weeks. I stopped seeing the first therapist, and found another one who specialises in sex addiction. She has been very good so far.
Then my "ex"GF and I moved out and I’m in a new house with people I’ve never met before. I lasted a few days before I relapsed. And then it hit me again, if I don’t stop this destructive cycle, I’m never going to have a meaningful connection and I’m going to be alone forever.
I’m currently on day 15 of my “current streak”. One of the things I’ve found most helpful is realigning my thoughts. Rather than trying to push for a number of days, it’s a journey taken one step or one day at a time. There is no end date, no number I’m trying to reach. I’m not a porn addict waiting to relapse. I’m sober, and I’m not going to relapse.
I still get urges, but I’m accepting that. I’m an addict, I’m going to get urges, but I don’t have to act on them.
I’m taking it one step at a time, thinking about what triggers me and how I can avoid and deal with triggers in a healthy way.
TLDR: watched loads of porn, wanked a lot, had sex which didn’t align with my values, fucked myself and my relationships up, now on the road to recovery.
Hopefully this dies a death with no one seeing it, but it was pretty cathartic to type out.
I am a sex addict too.