Preteen attitude sucks!


#1

My usual way to handle this hormone nuclear bomb is a bottle of wine. I need new coping mechanisms.

So far my plan is to just get out of the house and away from her!!


#2

Get a striking shield pad, and some boxing gloves. When your child is in need of and attitude adjustment, have her hold the pad, while you hit it. You whale on it until you’re no longer stressed. You won’t hurt her, but she will see what could happen if you snapped.

I mentor two lads. One is polite, respectful and helpful to his single mom. His brother? Not so much. I tried reason, but got nowhere. Then I had him hold the pad. He got better after that. Then O taught his brother how to box. I told the problem child that if he ever laid a hand on his mother in anger, that his brother would light his ass up, mo pad.


#3

I have a heavy bag…


#4

There’s a couple I would love to see weigh in on this with their experience but they don’t use TS to my knowledge. Two current preteens, and have parented 7 others through to adulthood on top of that.

One thing I do know is they seem to enjoy parenting humour though. Venting some of the confounding, facepalm-inducing stories can help too.


#5

Usually my little one cracks me up…she is full of joie de vivre. But the last few months I’ve become the most annoying thing in the world to her. I know it’s just hormones. Her sister did the same and for the most part we’ve come out the other side and survived but this one seems to be tenfold.


#6

Hormones as well as brain development - another developmental wave of “I’m my own person, with my own ideas, the only one who actually understands or knows anything about what I go through, everyone else can join me or leave me alone to do what I want.” Almost like having taller toddlers, seems like.


#7

I feel your pain. We have two teenage girls in the house, seemingly trying to outdo each other and see who can be the most pointlessly unreasonable and bone-idle monster, while at the same time trying to get everything they want. There will be a winner and it wont be either of them lol.

As for advice, I’m thin on the ground other than take it for what it is - the beginnings of rebellion and discovery of self. It’s nothing personal. It is insanity inducing though! If they know it winds you up it just gets worse. I find imagining them as having a mental disorder helps, or at least makes me not want to kill them as much! I basically try and laugh it off or make light of it as much as I can.


#8

‘Almost like having a taller toddler’ - nailed it in one. The older they get though the more intellectual weapons they have in their arsenal!


#9

One thing I have had to learn is to not lose it over every challenge of my authority. A little rebelliousness and Independence is a good thing. It’s preparing her for the time when she must make her own decisions, and deal with the consequences of those decisions. Give a bit here, but dig in there. That’s what I’ve had to learn.

Like bedtimes. I did away with it. She can stay up as late as she wants, but she will get up at a set time for school. If she’s tired, oh well.


#10

Technically, It’s not child abuse if you’re wearing boxing gloves… just saying.


#11

I’m bookmarking this thread. I can use all this advice!


#12

Ending the school bedtime rule worked here too. It didn’t take long before the novelty of staying up lost to the chronic tiredness the day after: 'I don’t feel well, can I stay home? ‘Nope, you’re just tired and you’re going’. The constant battle over bedtime became a decision made from free will (most of the time!).


#13

I had a conversation about this with a child psychiatrist that really put things into perspective. He essentially said kids’ brains are like lizards. Rather than attempt to re-create that conversation, I found a link that goes into detail. Basically, just like a baby that cries for food because they are not yet developed, so do teens, just different situation, so being angry and impatient because they aren’t acting how we want/think they should be isn’t productive or helpful for anyone. I was glad to let go of my unrealistic expectations since I understood the situation, and I was actually able to laugh and take things less seriously after that conversation. Here’s the gist of child brain development. They’re animals!! :upside_down_face:https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentTypeID=1&ContentID=3051


#14

My daughter was (is) a nightmare. She decided at a young age that she will do what she wants, when she wants. Discipline made things worse. It got to a point where we gave up and just let her do what she wanted & She eventually dropped out of high school. I lover her to death. She’s smart and passionate but just can’t handle authority. She’s deffective. I’d ask for a refund if I knew who to ask.

I’m hoping she will pull her head out of her ass and do something with her life. At least shes into drinking, drugs or crime like I was when I was her age.

If I had to do it again sober, I’d definitely get some boxing gear!

Kids… Amirite?!?


#15

I don’t necessarily struggle with her (well, really both of them) behaving how I want them to behave…it is really the disrespect part. I’m just tired of them dismissing and being rude to me. I know I shouldn’t take it so hard, but it hurts.

Maybe it’s the codependent in me (I’m starting to understand that I really am codependent). I do so much for them every day, I really feel like I NEED them to recognize it and honestly be thankful. I shouldn’t “need” this, but I do. Still, to be good human beings they should no be rude. They do need to learn that.


#16

Have a 14 yr old girl who can burn your soul with her eyes. Runs her mouth like you wouldn’t believe. Says things that had I said to my dad, I’d have been grounded for a year. And cries on a dime. I’m hopeful I’ll survive until this ends but it is trying for sure


#17

We’ve got two daughters. 27 and 20. Looking back i see that I too was codependent. What worked
Giving them space
Not trying to “fix” their problems
Just listen, really listen
Give them more responsibility
Walk away A lOT
Dont try to be right find middle ground
Say it once they really are listening
A huge shift in me and my 27yr olds relationship came when I apologize for being a drunk ass parent. Admitted I made bad decisions and said horrible things while drinking. I also apologized for things she felt I did to her though I disagreed. It’s not about being right, it’s about making amends when needed and moving forward. I did it through text as we sometimes conflict in person. She can’t read expressions well. (Asperger’s) and an exceptional memory. :wink:

Watch them outside of the family. I bet your raising likable, yes likable, responsible kids. we were, it just didnt show at home as often as I would have liked.
Stay sober it gets better. They grow up and move out and you will become friends again.


#18

They do, and I always corrected impoliteness and disrepect - as you should. All kids do it, and yeah, it hurts. Just dont take it too personally. But it’s like riding a bike and falling off - it’s part of the learning to be a good human/ride a bike and grownup process. They fall down, do dumb mean stuff, you lovingly correct and nurture, then one day they grow up and suddenly they love and appreciate you. Mine do now, most kids do. Just be patient with yourself and the process.


#19

@VSue. Imho, maybe they need to do more for themselves (laundry, cooking meals for family, cleaning house, planning family activities). Sounds like she wants more responsibility. Just saying. :unicorn:


#20

Yes! Yes! Yes! Mine are 14 and 16, both girls.