So, as some of you know my fiancé, who ive been with for almost 8 years, quit drinking at the same time. We had a lot of anger and agression in our relationship and it became incredibly toxic. Over the past year we have reconnected, gone to therapy, worked really hard to build a relationship we both respect and trust and we very rarely fight. Maybe 2 times in the past year. Of course we will have little spats or get frustrated with each other but weve developed skills to work through those things with proper communication. Now, some backstory before the issue here… his cousin died two weeks ago from a drug overdose and the funeral was today. It absolutely crushed him and it breaks my heart to see him so hurt. Ive worried about his sobriety and general wellness but hes really been holding up well and I’m very proud of him. Hes been very testy and a little more angry than he has been today and i absolutely understand that. Ive been very patient and supportive with him because i know how much it hurts to lose someone. However i did reach a little bit of a breaking point. I couldnt find my phone and he said “Youve been losing things again like youre drinking” my response was just simply “That was really mean” and his response to me was “K bud.” So i said “If I were to say you were acting like youre drinking you would be SO upset. That was really hurtful” No yelling or anything just monitone hurt in my voice. He turned around went to the bathroom and slammed the door. In my head he either accused me of drinking OR he intentionally was trying to mean and used a very sensitive topic to do it. We arent like actively fighting, we kind of just moved on. Id like an apology but i know i wont get one and i understand how much hes hurting so i wont push it. Especially because this isnt a common or recurring thing with him or anything, and he really doesnt need that right now. I just needed to vent. I know its such a small thing. It just really knocked the wind out of me a bit because ive been SO supportive throughout these last few weeks, ive been patient, understanding, and have put my feelings aside. I understand lashing out but attacking the person who has been by your side with nothing but love and positivity? It just hurt. And then beyond that, i didnt even LOSE my phone. It fell out of my pocket while i was carrying all his stuff inside and i found it in our parking lot. I just… i know he understands how hard sobriety can be. And i worked really hard to get to this point and i thought he would know better than to say something like that without a real cause or from a point of concern.
Like i said, were not fighting and likely wont revisit the topic. Just needed to vent so i could get it out.
I would be incredibly upset with that comment. Sobriety is such a sensitive topic in my opinion. I remember when my husband made a comment similar to that while we were in early recovery and i was soo hurt bcuz it takes sooo much work to get clean and sober. It almost felt like all that work meant nothing to him. Im sorry that u had to experience that. Especially when uv been so supportive. I hope ur evening calms down and u are able to get back to calmer terms.
Sometimes the people we love the most get the blunt of our hurts and hang ups. Definitely a very sensitive area. Just keep being the beautiful sober person you have become and stay strong in it. Hopefully it will keep tearing down the layers of anger he’s dealing with
Good thing to come here and speak out your frustrations for release.
Thank you. I really couldnt tell if i was being dramatic. I went for a walk and when i came back he thanked me for being so patient and supportive. We worked through it but man I still feel some type of way about it.
I’m a very sensitive alcoholic, so I understand. I try not to argue with people or fume over things. Especially not with people close to me. No matter how well I think I know someone, or they think they know me, my recovery is my own personal thing. And no one knows exactly how I feel about it. I’ll always choose my sobriety over any other personal relationship, I don’t even try to explain it to people. I can be very dramatic, but I have to like just count to ten, or “pout” lol. It seems childish, but it’s better than the alternative. I have completely ended relationships instantly, because I take lots of things personal. It has benefited me sometimes, but sometimes I have lost good people. It’s something I struggle with personally so your post helped me today. I am not an angry person, I’m just so sensitive that it makes me angry at lots of different people for different reasons. Sometimes it’s justified and leads me to a better place, sometimes it’s disastrous lol, and I have to resist the temptation to relapse out of sheer embarrassment. Whatever happens it’s better than going back out there !
I agree with that on so many levels. Fortunately, we did work through it and then i worked through it on my own. Its hard because we are both on this sobriety journey together but also as individuals so those wires get crossed sometimes and shit stops working right every now and again
Glad you could vent here. That kind of comment would hurt me too, especially after more than a year of sobriety. I am impressed you are being so understanding about it. Your feelings are valid and understood here.
I’m sorry love - that would be hard for me to hear (it takes so much time, energy and effort to stay sober and it is so devastating to be compared to the old self that we are working so hard to heal from).
You are doing great work with your sobriety and glad you were able to be supportive to your finace during his difficult time. No excuse for him saying what he said or not appreciating your support.
Thank you! I understand why some programs say to not date within the first year. Its very triggering. But weve been together for almost 8 years and were doing this together. We each have different trigger points and different levels of sensitivity. With him grieving the loss of someone so close to his heart, i needed to take a step back and put myself in his shoes. It was fair to just move on from it, but i appreciated his acknowledgedment and accountavility for his behavior. Ultimately it all worked out okay. So grateful for a space where i can vent. In the past i would have caused a massive fight over that. But I’m really proud if my growth as a person, partner, and alcoholic.
Thank you! I wont lie, im a little impressed with myself as well. A year ago…my initial reaction would have been volitile. While I am, to my core, one of the most empathetic people i know… when my feelings get hurt bad enough i can say some really shitty things. When i used to call my mom to vent about issues i was having with someone she would always tell me “Dont go for the jugular. You can let someone know they have hurt you in a respectful way. You dont always need to go for the kill.” And in that moment im glad i stood up for myself, but without being hurtful and nasty. Had i reacted any other way, wed probably still be fighting instead of having that amazing connection verbally where we told each other how we felt and him being able to be vulnerable and tell me he needed my help. He has since thanked me for all my support and love, and taken accountability for his recent behavior. Im gratful that sobriety has done so much for our relationship. 1-2 years ago…this whole thing wouldve gone horribly horribly wrong.
This is lovely to read. It’s great that the two of you are both working the sobriety journey and are able to support each other through the rough patches.
Totally understand how hard it is to start / maintain a relationship during sobriety and I’m sure it’s even harder when both of you are working on the sober journey simultaneously. So much patience and learning anger control is needed. I know for me the quick anger reactions took months to try understand.
You two are doing great . Happy for the both of you!
For what it’s worth, when I am accused of some kind of misbehavior and the stated example is not true, I’d phrase it close to the way you did but a little padding so no one lands on their face in the conversation. This is generally how I’d try to land the plane (because you’re co-pilots in a relationship in some sense)
Oh, I didn’t misplace my phone like I thought. It fell out of my pocket earlier.
No sanctimoniousness, no bitterness, just bring it back to the tone you want to keep the conversation at - this is without being a clear “winner”, but instead just not making it worse. It’s hard to do this for a long time but you can get really good at releasing tension this way no matter how mad someone is (short of being violent, I never really experienced that).
After 3 times I’d consider it a pattern though, and only specifically address it then, and how we can avoid living like that long term. Good luck, hope that helps if anything.
